1. #1

Two mathematicians are in a bar, having an argument. One claims that the average person knows very little about mathematics while the other disagrees, saying that most people can cope with maths very well.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom. The second mathematician then calls the waitress over and tells her, “When my friend comes back, I’m going to ask you a question. All you have to do is answer, ‘One third x cubed.’ Understand?”

The waitress looks a bit surprised. “You mean you want me to say …”

“Yes,” says the mathematician, “‘one third x cubed’, that’s all. Can you say it? ‘One third x cubed’” …” he repeats the phrase over and over, and makes the waitress say it over and over again until he is satisfied that she has got it all memorized.

The first mathematician returns and his friend proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about maths. He says he will ask the blonde waitress a simple calculus question, and the first mathematician laughingly agrees. The second mathematician calls over the waitress and asks: “What is the integral of x squared?”

“One third x cubed,” replies the waitress, to the astonishment of the first mathematician and the chuckling delight of the other. She walks away, but in a moment she returns to their table and says, "Plus an arbitrary constant.”

2.

3. .....................

4. Originally Posted by JaneBennet
#1

Two mathematicians are in a bar, having an argument. One claims that the average person knows very little about mathematics while the other disagrees, saying that most people can cope with maths very well.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom. The second mathematician then calls the waitress over and tells her, “When my friend comes back, I’m going to ask you a question. All you have to do is answer, ‘One third x cubed.’ Understand?”

The waitress looks a bit surprised. “You mean you want me to say …”

“Yes,” says the mathematician, “‘one third x cubed’, that’s all. Can you say it? ‘One third x cubed’” …” he repeats the phrase over and over, and makes the waitress say it over and over again until he is satisfied that she has got it all memorized.

The first mathematician returns and his friend proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about maths. He says he will ask the blonde waitress a simple calculus question, and the first mathematician laughingly agrees. The second mathematician calls over the waitress and asks: “What is the integral of x squared?”

“One third x cubed,” replies the waitress, to the astonishment of the first mathematician and the chuckling delight of the other. She walks away, but in a moment she returns to their table and says, "Plus an arbitrary constant.”
I laughed really hard at that...am I a geek?

Selene, I enjoyed yours as well.

5. Why being a mathematician is the coolest:

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

6. Originally Posted by Chemboy
I laughed really hard at that...am I a geek?
Yeah, me too.

Let’s keep the jokes coming!

#4

One day a mathematician decides to quit his job and become a fireman. The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’ll be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”

The fire chief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a wooden shed, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “Okay, you’re walking in the alley and you notice the wooden shed here on fire. What do you do?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.”

The chief says, “That’s great! Perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley but the shed is not on fire?”

The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while before saying, “I set the shed on fire.”

The chief yells, “What? That’s a terrible thing to do! Why would you want to set fire to the shed?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.”

7. Nice One!

8. There are only 10 sorts of people, those who understand computer programming and those who don't.

Get it?

9. Originally Posted by thyristor
There are only 10 sorts of people, those who understand computer programming and those who don't.

Get it?
there are only one-zero sorts of people

10. Originally Posted by thyristor
There are only 10 sorts of people, those who understand computer programming and those who don't.
Most people belong to the 10nd group.

11. True :-D

12.

13. an oldie but goody... still makes me chuckle

14. lol, so that's just $0.002 ? @Jane bennet, I've seen that one before, funny one 15. Originally Posted by bit4bit lol, so that's just$0.002 ?

@Jane bennet, I've seen that one before, funny one
It's $1.002 if I'm not mistaken. And yeah, the last one from Jane Bennet is great. 16. Some funny math jokes: 17. This is a bad one... :-D I love the Happy Face math: 18. If Riemann would have known... Some advanced matrix algebra... 19. Always liked this one Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 is Dec 25... 20. Let me end with a few funny math quotes: The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematicians is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes. A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems (P. Erdos) An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care. Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. :-D Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different. -- Goethe There is no logical foundation of mathematics, and Gödel has proved it! A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R Darwin) A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas. A law of conservation of difficulties: there is no easy way to prove a deep result. A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact. Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated. 21. What's the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician? An introverted mathematician stares at his feet when he's talking to you. An extroverted mathematician stares at your feet when he's talking to you. 22. Originally Posted by Chemboy Originally Posted by bit4bit lol, so that's just$0.002 ?

@Jane bennet, I've seen that one before, funny one
It's $1.002 if I'm not mistaken. And yeah, the last one from Jane Bennet is great. Isn't e<sup>iπ</sup>=-1, and ∑<sub>n=1</sub><sup>∞</sup> 1/2<sup>n</sup> = 1 ? so 0.002-1+1=$0.002?

What's the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted mathematician?

An introverted mathematician stares at his feet when he's talking to you.
An extroverted mathematician stares at your feet when he's talking to you.
lol, I've heard that one before too, but when I heard it, it was an engineer and not a mathematician.

23. Originally Posted by bit4bit
Isn't e<sup>iπ</sup>=-1, and ∑<sub>n=1</sub><sup>∞</sup> 1/2<sup>n</sup> = 1 ? so 0.002-1+1= \$0.002?
∑<sub>n=1</sub><sup>∞</sup> 1/2<sup>n</sup> is a geometric series so it coverges to a/(1-r)
a = 1, r = .5,
1/(1-.5) = 1/.5 = 2.
0.002 + (-1) + 2 = 1.002.

24. a is the first term in the series. The first term is 1/2.

25. If the sum was from n=0 to n=∞, then the first term would be 1/2<sup>0</sup>=1, and the series would converge at 2, but since n=1 is the starting point, the first term will be 1/2<sup>1</sup>=1/2, and the series will converge at 1.

26. here's one I heard the other day...

What's the difference between a bachelor's degree in mathematics and a large pepperoni pizza?

the pizza can feed a family of 4.

28. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician...?

... He worked it out with a pencil.

29. Originally Posted by william
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician...?

... He worked it out with a pencil.
no!!! he worked it out using logs. Hahhaha

30. Originally Posted by DivideByZero
Originally Posted by william
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician...?

... He worked it out with a pencil.
no!!! he worked it out using logs. Hahhaha
That joke is so old, the punch line used to be, he worked it out with a slide rule.

women are the product of time and money

woman=money x time

time is money so..

woman = money x money = (money)^2

money is the root of all evil so...

woman = sqrt of (evil)^2

woman = evil

32. Originally Posted by Harold14370
Originally Posted by DivideByZero
Originally Posted by william
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician...?

... He worked it out with a pencil.
no!!! he worked it out using logs. Hahhaha
That joke is so old, the punch line used to be, he worked it out with a slide rule.
thats intense

33. Originally Posted by Feifer

an oldie but goody... still makes me chuckle
how can you have 10th of a cent

34. a limerick

[/list]

The integral z-squared dz
From one to the cube root of three
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Equals log of the cube root of e

35.

36. Originally Posted by mathformonkeys
how can you have 10th of a cent
It's 1/5 of a cent.

37. Proof that all numbers are interesting

Assume that not all numbers are interesting, so there must be a smallest number that is not interesting. However a smallest not interesting number is also interesting. Contradiction!

38. Pizza theorem:

This one gives the volume of a pizza of thickness a and radius z: pizza

39. For the mathematical experts:

Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.

The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we introduce the following logical system:

Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in the cage.
Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.

The geometrical inversion method
We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.

The projective geometry method
Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point.

The Bolzano-Weierstraß method
Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of arbitrarily small diameter.

The set theoretical method
We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.

The Peano method
In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to its own length.

A topological method
We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless.

The Cauchy method
We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider the integral

1 [ f(z)
------- | --------- dz
2 \pi i ] z - \zeta

C

where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].

The Wiener-Tauber method
We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the general Wiener-Tauber theorem [4] every other lion L will converge toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)

:-D

40. I thought any mathematician would just build a cage about him- or herself and declare him- or herself to be outside the cage. You can catch a good many things by this method.

41. you make my day very happy..

42. Q: Why did the mathematical tree fall over?

A: It had no real roots.

43. Originally Posted by JaneBennet
Q: Why did the mathematical tree fall over?

A: It had no real roots.
Mathematicians do not need Viagra, they use a Firmulation tablet.

Sincerely,

William McCormick

44. Originally Posted by mathformonkeys

women are the product of time and money

woman=money x time

time is money so..

woman = money x money = (money)^2

money is the root of all evil so...

woman = sqrt of (evil)^2

woman = evil
I do not necessarily agree with the logic or math, however the answer by practical observation appears to be correct. Ha-ha.

Sincerely,

William McCormick

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