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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1 Jokes 
    Ascended Member Ascended's Avatar
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    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven. St. Peter motions the first one to come forward and tell how he died.

    The man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I live on the 10th floor so I snuck up the stairs and tried to sneak into our apartment but I used the wrong key the first time. I finally burst into the apartment and ran to the bedroom. My wife was naked in bed but I searched everywhere and couldn't find anyone. Then I looked out the kitchen balcony and saw a guy running down the fire escape. I was so angry the only thing I could think to do was roll the refrigerator to the balcony and heave it over. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

    "I see. Well, you may enter," said St. Peter, and let the man in.

    The second man comes up and St. Peter asks for his story.

    "You see, I live on the 5th floor of my apartment building, and I was late for work this morning so I decided to take the fire escape. Just as I reached the ground, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and kills me, and now I'm here."

    St. Peter says, "Hmmm, interesting. You may enter."

    St. Peter asks the third man to come forward and tell his story.

    "Well, sir, it's like this: I'm hiding in this refrigerator, minding my own business..."


    Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it. - confucius
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  3. #2  
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    A homeless man knocks on the door of a big mansion. When the lady of the house answers he explains that he'd like a handout so he can buy some food. The lady says, "I didn't get to be rich by handing out money to beggars. If you want money from me, you'll have to work for it!"

    The man says he doesn't mind working to earn the money and asks what she wants him to do. "Paint the porch around back and I'll give you $20. You'll find the paint & equipment in the shed. And," the lady adds, "you'd better do a good job or you'll get nothing!"

    An hour later the man knocks on the front door again. When the lady answers he tells her he's through and asks for his money. The lady exclaims, "It's a huge porch! It should have taken you all day!

    You couldn't possibly have done a good job. I'm not paying you a penny! Now get out of here before I call the police!"

    The man says, "I did do a good job! And for your information, it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"


    Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it. - confucius
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  4. #3  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Q: How many homeopaths does it take to change a light bulb?

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    A: 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
    Last edited by Cogito Ergo Sum; December 31st, 2013 at 06:11 AM.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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    A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"

    The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."

    The Yugo guy said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in my Yugo!"

    The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

    The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in my Yugo!"

    The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. The Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

    The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in my Yugo!"

    The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

    The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb! It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Rolls went out searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night, parked, with all the windows fogged up. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his head out.

    "I now have a bed in my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

    The Yugo guy looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"
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  6. #5  
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    Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine . It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
    Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'

    Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

    'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.

    'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'

    She smiles and they start kissing.

    Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me lower.'

    Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

    ' Pierre ! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

    'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'

    She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

    Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre , kiss me much lower!

    'Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.

    He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

    Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ' PIERRE , WHAT #@ DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

    Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
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    During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

    After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about Pre-Menstrual Syndrome."

    The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

    During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.

    On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

    The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
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  8. #7  
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    Harry and Martha have been married for 55 years....and they have their SAME routine every night.

    Martha goes into the bathroom first, takes her teeth out washes her face and then buck naked does her leg exercises on the bed, while Harry takes off his glasses, gets his teeth brushed and ready for bed.

    Over the headboard she lifts her legs...one, two, three.......four...

    Martha gets her legs stuck on the top of the headboard.

    At that moment, Harry walks out.

    He see's Martha in bed, and he says to her...

    ''Ya know Martha, with your hair up and your teeth out like that, you look just like your mother.''
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  9. #8  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    For the psychologists:

    Q: Hey Freud, do you have orange juice?

    F: I am a-Freud not.
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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  10. #9  
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    1) how many rogerian psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

    2) how many narcissist does it take to change a lightbulb?

    3) how many science forum avatars does it take to change a lightbulb?
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  11. #10  
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    Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. ''Follow me son'' the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

    ''First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.'' And they did.

    ''Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.'' And they did.

    ''Now we eat everybody.'' And they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked, ''Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?''

    His wise father replied, ''Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!''
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  12. #11  
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  13. #12  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    From xkcd:
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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  14. #13  
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    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Q: What is the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic?

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    A: A quantum mechanic can get the car in the garage without opening the door.
    Last edited by Cogito Ergo Sum; December 31st, 2013 at 06:12 AM.
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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  16. #15  
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    Sometimes it is better not knowing than having an answer that may be wrong.
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  17. #16  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chrispen Evan View Post
    No offense, but, don't know if I want to open that!! *laughing*....not sure what I'd see!!..........maybe a little hint?
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    It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

    Apparently, the French were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The French were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

    The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed chicken.''
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    An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman were standing beside a cliff, accompanied by the rich and eccentric Countess of Aquitane. Planting herself on a rock with a good view of the water and rocks below, she beckons them over.

    "Now, my good gentlemen, I have for you a challenge of your strength and bravery. To whomever can jump off of this cliff and survive, I shall award you a million Euros!."

    The Welshman leaps off immediately and, for several seconds, experiences perfect weightlessness, followed by a thousand fatal G's as he hits a rock.

    The Irishman, not to be outdone, careens off the edge with a spin, hits the wall twice, and splits like a watermelon as he catches one of the outcroppings.

    The Englishman steps back and bows. "After you, madam."
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  20. #19  
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    A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so he thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
    The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
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  22. #21  
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  23. #22  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ascended View Post
    It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. Etc.
    Unfortunately that's not as funny to the cognoscenti.
    The device is certainly not unique - it's a standard test method used by many companies and nations.
    Plus, the USAF at one time did use frozen chickens, on the grounds that "if the canopy survives that then it'll easily survive a non-frozen genuine mid-air with a bird".
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  24. #23  
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  25. #24  
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    From Cyanide and Happiness:

    Last edited by Cogito Ergo Sum; December 31st, 2013 at 06:12 AM.
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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  26. #25  
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    COGITO!! Bad Bad bad!! *L*
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  27. #26  
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    http://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hp...21062072_n.jpg

    a friends description of me....*laughing*
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  28. #27  
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    As someone who is keen on science, I love the one by Liam Williams: “The universe implodes. No matter.”

    If I were to submit my own entry, I suppose it would go something like this: “Heard about the guy who didn’t believe in electricity until he touched the + terminal of a high-voltage DC source? He was positively shocked.”
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  29. #28  
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    Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium are dating?

    OMG!
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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  30. #29  
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    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs upon Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
    The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken". "No", said the little girl.. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".
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  31. #30  
    Bassaricyon neblina Olinguito's Avatar
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    “The universe implodes. No matter.”
    I think this can be improved: “What was there before the Big Bang? No matter.”

    In fact I think that’s a perfect reply to that question!
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  32. #31  
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    The young Aggie Priest ,at his first mass was so scared that he could hardly speak. So before his second week in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor ( a old veteran of this work) "How can I relax. The Monsignor said " My son,this sunday it might help if you put some martinis in the water pitcher instead of water and after a few sips , everything should go smoother!
    So Sunday came and the young priest did as suggested and he really talked up a storm. after the mass he asked the old veteran how he had done. The Monsignor replied " Just fine except there are a few you things you need to get straight before your next mass!
    1.Next time ,sip the martini rather than gulping it down by the glassfull.
    2.There are 10 Commandments,not twelve.
    3.there are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4.david slew Goliath; he didn't kick the shit out of him.
    5.We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as "J.C. and The Boys.
    6. WE don't refer to the cross as the "BIG T".
    7. We don't refer to the Father,Son abd the Holy Ghost , as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'
    8.Next Sunday there is a taffy pull at St. Peters Church, not a peter pulling at St Taffys!
    9.The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign "Toot & Tell or Go To Hell" has to go. 10. Last but not least, we say the Virgin Mary, Not "Mary with a Cherry"
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    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

    The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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  34. #33  
    Forum Professor Daecon's Avatar
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    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because it was dead.
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  35. #34  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daecon View Post
    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because it was dead.
    I love this...astill laughing....said with a straigh face..perfect one liner!! *L* and in the same mental frame as this


    *L*


    Woman is in check out counter with one banana, 1/4 loaf of break, 1/2 dozen eggs.......


    Grocery check clerky looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

    She smiles and says, "WHY, YES!! How did you know?"

    He replies, "Cause your ugly."


    VERY BAD BAD BAD JOKE
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  36. #35  
    Bassaricyon neblina Olinguito's Avatar
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    Q: Who is or was the most impotent man in history?

    A: (Warning: May be offensive to some people.)
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Jesus. After more than two thousand years, there is still no sign of his second coming.
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  37. #36  
    Forum Freshman efbjr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Three. One to insert the light-bulb, one to pray for the light-bulb to turn on (and flicking the switch when no one is looking), and one to explain how the light turning on is evidence of an intelligent designer.
    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only one, but the bulb has to want to be changed.
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    "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati"
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  38. #37  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar.
    And doesn't.
    Ascended, babe and frumpydolphin like this.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  39. #38 The bell ringer... 
    Forum Freshman efbjr's Avatar
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    The economy being what it is, jobs are hard to come by.

    A local cathedral ran an ad for a bell ringer. A man came to the church and met with the bishop who explained his duties: "You have to ring the bells before every service." The man replied: "No problem, I can do that!" The bishop replied: "We do have a problem...the rope for the bells broke and you have to climb up the ladder to the top of the steeple and grab the remaining piece of rope to ring the bells."

    Without hesitation, the man started scrambling up the ladder, seeking to impress the bishop with his enthusiasm. Up, and up, he climbed (the steeple was 300' high), upon reaching the top, he reached for the rope, had a coronary from the exertion, fell face forward into the bells, and fell to his death.

    The police were called to investigate and asked the bishop who the deceased was. The bishop replied: "I don't know his name, but his face sure does ring a bell!"

    Part 2:

    The next day, the twin brother of the deceased job applicant knocked on the bishops door and asked to apply for the job of bell ringer to honor the memory of his dead twin brother. The bishop, after doing a double take, agreed to let him try out also, after explaining the problem with the broken rope.

    The second applicant took off like a shot up the ladder in the steeple. Nearing the top, he reached for the rope, had a coronary, and fell face forward into the bells, and dropped to his death.

    The police returned to the cathedral and asked the bishop who the second guy was. The bishop replied: " I don't know his name either, but he was a dead ringer for the other guy!
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  40. #39  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    From xkcd:

    Ascended, Daecon and umbradiago like this.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  41. #40  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    The follow up: Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey.

    A similar joke to babes (a favourite of my 8 year old nephew)

    Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

    Because they're ugly and they stink.

    *ducks*
    YOU ARE DUCKING On that one......darling you had better start running fast....cause I have the bloodhounds out.....and we're gonna track ya down! *L*

    BRAT!
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  42. #41  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum View Post
    From xkcd:

    OH MY GOD! COGITO!! ahahahahahhahha
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  43. #42  
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    A young brave was being inducted through his manhood ceremony to join the warriors of the tribe. He was faced with three tents.

    In the first one was a gallon of plum wine, which he had to drink in one go. In the second was a mountain lion with toothache; he had to remove the painful tooth. In the third was a woman who had never had an orgasm, who he had to pleasure.

    The young brave entered the first tent, and after a while staggered out, very drunk, holding the empty wine skin. The warriors all applauded.

    The young brave then staggered into the second tent with the tribal members all holding their breath. There were terrible screams and growls, which got worse and worse as time went on, culminating in such a loud shriek that the tribe was convinced the young brave must be dead.

    But finally the young brave staggered out, bruised and bleeding, and said, "Now take me to the woman with a toothache...."
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  44. #43  
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    Well You Asked

    A market researcher called at a house and his
    knock was answered by a young woman with three
    small children running around her. He asked her
    if she minded replying to his questions and she
    agreed.

    He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-
    Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among
    their many products was Vaseline and she certainly
    knew of that product.

    When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."


    Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist
    sexual intercourse."

    The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always
    ask that question because everyone uses our product
    and they always say they use it for the child's
    bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know
    that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since
    you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly
    how you use it?"

    "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the
    kids out."
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  45. #44  
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    a religious experience

    There was a lady sitting on a bench when an
    old man came over to sit down. He moved over
    to her side and said "Do you believe in the hereafter?"
    and she said "Yes" Then he replied, "Then you
    know what I'm hereafter."
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  46. #45  
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    Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry
    humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog
    was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

    After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and
    stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked
    what she owed.

    "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

    "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's
    what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying
    to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the
    winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

    "Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
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  47. #46  
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    fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses

    A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central
    Park in New York and was astonished to see an
    old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a
    beautiful bed of red roses.

    "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What
    a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over
    a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So
    the kind fellow walked up to the old man and
    asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

    "Fishin', sir."

    "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come
    have a drink with me?"

    The old man stood put his rod away and followed
    the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered
    a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

    His host, the kind fellow, felt good about
    helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me,
    old friend, how many did you catch today?"

    The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar,
    blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are
    the sixth today, sir!"
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  48. #47  
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    The Clever Widow

    A widow, recently married to a widower, was
    accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked,
    "I suppose, like all men who have been married
    before, your husband sometimes talks about his
    first wife?"

    "Oh, not any more," the other woman replied.


    "What stopped him?" asked the first.

    "I started talking about my next husband,"
    replied the second woman.
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  49. #48  
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    The Birthday Present

    A fellow was talking to his buddy, and said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.
    She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
    His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have
    two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella
    did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion?

    How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth,
    and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
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  50. #49  
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    I'm still trying to figure out if this is a joke or a good idea.

    I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving
    and take advantage of it.

    I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my
    driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

    At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

    Received from Able to Grin.
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  51. #50  
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    I'm still laughing at this one.

    therapeutic technique

    Worried about their less than exciting sex
    life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist
    who wound up treating him with self hypnosis.
    And, to her joy, everything got much better.


    However, she could not help but notice that
    each night, early into their lovemaking, the
    husband would dash out to the bathroom for several
    minutes. This tormented her until finally, one
    night, she followed him.

    There, in front of the mirror, she found him
    applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not
    my wife ... She's not my wife ... She's not my
    wife ..."
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  52. #51  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bad robot View Post
    i'm still laughing at this one.

    therapeutic technique

    worried about their less than exciting sex
    life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist
    who wound up treating him with self hypnosis.
    And, to her joy, everything got much better.


    However, she could not help but notice that
    each night, early into their lovemaking, the
    husband would dash out to the bathroom for several
    minutes. This tormented her until finally, one
    night, she followed him.

    There, in front of the mirror, she found him
    applying this therapeutic technique: "she's not
    my wife ... She's not my wife ... She's not my
    wife ..."

    brat face!! *l*
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  53. #52  
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  54. #53  
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    doctor - affair - meatballs

    A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
    Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
    Not wanting hiswife to know, he gave the nurse
    a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and
    have the baby there. "But how will I let you
    know the baby is born?" she asked.

    He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write
    'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
    Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the
    money and flew to Italy.

    Six months went by and then one day the doctor's
    wife called him at the office and explained,
    "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in
    the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand
    what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until
    I get home and I will explain it to you."

    Later that evening, the doctor came home,
    read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
    attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The
    lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

    He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac
    arrest.

    So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti,
    Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage
    and meatballs, two without.'"
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  55. #54  
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    Blondes working on a house

    Two blondes were working on a house. The one
    who was nailing down siding would reach into
    his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
    it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
    figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
    "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

    The first explained, "If I pull a nail out
    of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw
    it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed
    toward the house, then I nail it in!"

    The second blonde got completely upset and
    yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward
    you aren't defective! They're for the other side
    of the house!"
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  56. #55  
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    I like this guys thinking.

    The Bitter Soldier

    The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed
    and upset when his girl sent him a "Dear John"
    letter, breaking off their engagement and asking
    for her photograph back.

    The serviceman went out and collected from
    his friends all the unwanted photographs of women
    that he could find. Then he bundled them all
    together and sent them back to the girl with
    a note saying: "Regret cannot remember which
    one is you - please keep your photo and return
    the others."
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  57. #56  
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    Grazing Men

    One afternoon, a man was riding in the back
    of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass
    by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop
    and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating
    grass?" he asked one man.

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor
    man replied.

    "Oh, come along with me then."

    "But sir, I have a wife with two children!"


    "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!"
    he said to the other man.

    "But sir, I have a wife with six children!"
    The second man answered.

    "Bring them as well!"

    They all climbed into the car, which was no
    easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
    Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
    "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
    all of us with you."

    The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand,
    the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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  58. #57  
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    Oops!! This one just slipped through.

    More More More

    A woman walks into her sex therapists office
    and tells her that her husband is not a very
    good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore,
    and asks what to do about it?

    The therapist tells her that she has a new
    drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She
    tells the woman to give him one pill that night,
    and come back in the morning to tell her what
    happens

    The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling
    the therapist the Viagra worked, and she and
    her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her
    therapist what would happen if she gave her husband
    two pills? The therapist replies she doesn't know
    but says to go ahead and try it.

    The next day, the same thing happens, the woman
    comes in telling the therapist that the sex was
    even better than the night before. She asks the
    therapist what would happen if she gave him
    five pills? The therapist once again tells her
    to give it a try.

    The following day the woman comes back in LIMP
    BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps
    getting better and better. She asks what would
    happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle?
    The therapists tells her its a new drug and she
    doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a
    person. The woman leaves the office and puts
    the rest of the pills in her husbands morning
    coffee.

    A week later a boy walks into the therapists
    office and asks: are you the "idiot" who gave
    my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra? Why yes young man
    I did, Why?

    Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, My
    A-- Hurts And Dad just sits in the corner going,
    "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..."

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  59. #58  
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    If I was the groom I'd be worried about this in a big way.

    An Unusual Offer

    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached
    the pastor with an unusual offer.

    "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change
    the wedding vows. When you get to me and the
    part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and
    obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful
    to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
    leave that part out." He passed the minister
    a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

    It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride
    and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony
    where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time
    for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young
    man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to
    prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
    command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed
    every morning of your life and swear eternally
    before God and your lovely wife that you will
    not ever even look at another woman, as long
    as you both shall live?"

    The groom gulped and looked around, and said
    in a tiny voice, "I do."

    The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed,
    "I thought we had a deal."

    The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand
    and whispered back, "She made me a much better
    offer."
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  60. #59  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Please be careful with this one, it could reach fatal laughter levels:
    PhDemon, danhanegan, babe and 2 others like this.
    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  61. #60  
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    Young Earth Creationism.
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  62. #61  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daecon View Post
    Young Earth Creationism.
    That might be a joke, but I don't see the humor of it.
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  63. #62  
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    Thrilled

    A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home
    one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him
    how much his wife loved him.

    She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man
    or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's
    home! My husband's home!"

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  64. #63  
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    This is an old theme, but still funny.

    Guard Dog

    In a town filled with crime, a young married
    couple were worried after 3 of their neighbours
    had been burgled. They decided they should get
    a guard dog.

    The wife went to the local pet store and asked
    the assistant, "Do you have any guard dogs?"
    The sales assistant replied, "Sorry Mam, we're
    all sold out. All we have left is a Scottie Dog...but
    he does know Karate."

    The wife didn't believe him, so the clerk says
    to the dog: "Karate the chair." The wee dog then
    goes up to the chair and wack, he brakes it into
    tiny pieces. Then he said to the dog: "Karate
    that table." The dog went up to the table and
    crunch, he breaks it in half.

    So the wife bought the dog and took it home
    to her husband who was expecting a big guard
    dog. He was of course very disappointed and skeptical
    about this little Dog's abilities as a guard
    dog.

    When she informed him that the dog knew Karate,
    he laughed and said: "Karate my a$$!".
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  65. #64  
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    The Zoo

    One day an out of work mime is visiting the
    zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street
    performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts
    to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags
    him into his office.

    The zookeeper explains to the mime that the
    zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has
    died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
    at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime
    a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can
    get another one. The mime accepts.

    So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla
    suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.
    He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
    all he wants, play and make fun of people and
    he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a
    mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of
    him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He
    begins to notice that the people are paying more
    attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
    Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
    he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across
    a partition, and dangles from the top to the
    lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
    but the crowd loves it.

    At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and
    gives the mime a raise for being such a good
    attraction.

    Well, this goes on for some time, the mime
    keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger,
    and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
    day when he is dangling over the furious lion
    he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
    lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The
    mime is so scared that he begins to run round
    and round the cage with the lion close behind.
    Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
    "Help, Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces.
    The mime soon finds himself flat on his back
    looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
    "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both
    fired?"
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  66. #65  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    A woman walks into her sex therapists office
    and tells her that her husband is not a very
    good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore,
    and asks what to do about it?

    The therapist tells her that she has a new
    drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She
    tells the woman to give him one pill that night,
    and come back in the morning to tell her what
    happens

    The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling
    the therapist the Viagra worked, and she and
    her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her
    therapist what would happen if she gave her husband
    two pills? The therapist replies she doesn't know
    but says to go ahead and try it.

    The next day, the same thing happens, the woman
    comes in telling the therapist that the sex was
    even better than the night before. She asks the
    therapist what would happen if she gave him
    five pills? The therapist once again tells her
    to give it a try.

    The following day the woman comes back in LIMP
    BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps
    getting better and better. She asks what would
    happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle?
    The therapists tells her its a new drug and she
    doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a
    person. The woman leaves the office and puts
    the rest of the pills in her husbands morning
    coffee.

    A week later a boy walks into the therapists
    office and asks: are you the ''idiot'' who gave
    my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra? Why yes young man
    I did, Why?

    Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, My
    A-- Hurts And Dad just sits in the corner going,
    ''Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...''
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  67. #66  
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    Soda Machine

    There was this beautiful young blonde walking up to a pop machine.
    A man decided to stand back and watch her. Well she put some
    money in, pushed the button, and a can of soda fell out. Then she
    put some more money in, pushed the button and another pop came out.
    She did this over, and over, and over, and over again, until she had a
    whole pile of soda cans lying all around her. Curious, the man walked
    up to her and says, "Why do you keep putting more money in, don’t you
    think you have enough pop already?"

    The blonde answers back "I can't quit now ... I’m winning"
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  68. #67  
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    This can't be a joke because it's all true.

    Me -vs- Da Boss

    When you take a long time, you're slow. When
    your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

    When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your
    boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

    When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When
    your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

    When doing something without being told, you're
    overstepping your authority. When your boss does
    the same thing, that's initiative.

    When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
    When your boss does it, he's being firm.

    When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're
    being rude. When your boss skips a few rules,
    he's being original.

    When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
    When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

    When you're out of the office, you're wandering
    around. When your boss is out of the office,
    he's on business.

    When you're on a day off sick, you're always
    sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must
    be very ill.

    When you apply for leave, you must be going
    for an interview. When your boss applies for
    leave, it's because he's overworked.
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  69. #68  
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    God jokes, you got to love them.

    Meet me halfway

    Joe found himself in serious financial trouble.
    He was desperate he decided to pray to God for
    help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me.
    I've lost my business and if I don't get some
    money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please
    let me win the lottery."

    Lottery night comes and somebody else wins
    it. Joe again prayed."God, please let me win
    the lottery! I've lost my business, my house
    and I'm going to lose my car as well".

    Lottery night comes and Joe is still out of
    luck. Once again, he prayed."My God, why have
    you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house,
    and my car. My wife and children are starving.
    I don't often ask you for help and I have always
    been a good person and loyal to you and the church.
    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... I beg you...just let
    me win the lottery this one time so I can get
    my life back in order."

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light
    as the clouds part and the heavens open up. Joe
    falls to his knees in awe, shielding his eyes
    from the light as God's voice booms "Meet me
    halfway on this, Joe. Buy a freaking ticket."
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  70. #69  
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    It's funny just read it

    A man is in his front yard attempting to fly
    a kite with his son. However, every time the
    kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing
    back down.

    This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks
    her head out of the front door and yells, "You
    need more tail."

    The father turns to his son and says, "Son,
    I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday,
    I told her I needed more tail, and she told me
    to go fly a kite!"
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  71. #70  
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    Proof that a healthy diet only prolongs your miserable life.

    Problems of a Healthy Diet

    An elderly couple were killed in an accident
    and found themselves being given a tour of heaven
    by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side condo,
    over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool,
    and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments,
    just stop by any of the many bars located throughout
    the area."

    "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint
    Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten
    years ago if you hadn't heard about all that
    stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
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  72. #71  
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    Good old catholic school.

    Catholic School = Math School

    A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents
    tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but
    to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a
    family friend, they decided to enroll their son
    in a private Catholic school.

    After the first day, the boy's parents were
    surprised when he walked in after school with
    a stern, focused and very determined expression
    on his face, and went right past them straight
    to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

    For nearly two hours he toiled away in his
    room - with math books strewn about his desk
    and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough
    to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate,
    went straight back to his room, closed the door,
    and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

    This pattern continued ceaselessly until it
    was time for the first quarter report card. The
    boy walked in with his report card -- unopened
    -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight
    to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it,
    and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A"
    under the subject of MATH.

    Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into
    their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable
    progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?," the
    father asked. The boy only shook his head and
    said, "No."

    "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
    "No."

    "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

    "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when
    I walked in the front door and saw that guy they
    nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant
    business!"
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  73. #72  
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    Happy Butt

    It was this little girl's first day of school
    and the teacher asked her what her name was and
    she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said,
    "Honey I don't think that's your name you need
    to go to the principal's office and get this
    straightened out." So she went to the principal's
    office and he asked, "What's your name?" And
    the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

    The principal called the girl's mother to get
    this straightened out once and for all. After
    getting off the phone he looked at the little
    girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys,
    not Happy Butt."

    The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt"
    what's the difference?
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  74. #73  
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    Advantages of breast milk

    The not necessarily well-prepared student sat
    in his life science classroom staring at a question
    on the final exam paper. The question directed:
    "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to
    write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever
    came into his head, hoping for the best:

    1. No need to boil.

    2. Cats can't steal it.

    3. Available whenever necessary.

    So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded
    a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once
    more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then
    sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He
    grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled
    his definitive answer:

    4. Available in attractive containers.
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  75. #74  
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    I had to throw away an entire bag of biscuits yesterday.
    I was really looking foward to eating the yummy animal shapes.
    But when I took the bag out of the cupboard I noticed the warning on the side that said "Do not eat if seal is broken".


    I'm in the process of suing Kellog's.
    Their advertising keeps saying that only their cornflakes are genuine cornflakes and that they don't make make cornflakes for anyone else.
    But my next door neighbour has some!

    (Even funnier: I told that one to my mother. And her response was "That's not a good idea, if you lose the court case it will cost you thousands!")
    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  76. #75  
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    The Frog

    This really really old guy is walking on the
    beach one day.

    He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling
    out "Hey Mister ... pssst ... come here."

    He looks around and sees a little tiny frog
    under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says
    "Hey Mister ... if you kiss me, I'll turn into
    a beautiful young woman and your wishes will
    be my commands forever."

    He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and
    starts to walk back toward home.

    The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't
    ya want to kiss me?"

    The old man says, "No ... to tell you the truth,
    at my age, a talking frog is worth a whole lot
    more to me."
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  77. #76  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    That's a photo of my step ladder.
    My real one left home when I was 4.
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    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  78. #77  
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    Oklahoma Joke

    A fellow went to the doctor who told him that
    he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
    So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the
    man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor
    if there was anything he could do.

    "What you should do is go out and buy a late
    '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the
    Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman
    you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer
    house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

    The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

    "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what
    time you do have seem like forever."
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  79. #78  
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    Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer
    decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

    The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard,
    first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

    I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to
    service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll
    need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some
    fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

    Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen
    house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen
    in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really
    shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen,
    sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after
    a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all
    the geese.

    By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and
    pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive
    rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to
    bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone
    cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.

    The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
    animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace
    yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've
    done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures
    circling in the sky and says,

    "Shhh, they're getting closer".
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  80. #79  
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    Me first

    A couple traveling cross country decided to stop
    for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere
    in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth
    near the counter sipping their coffee, a local
    cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest
    stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over
    the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts ever
    heard by a human. The tourist jumps up and yells,
    "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

    The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely
    and says, "I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know
    we was a takin' turns."
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  81. #80  
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    First things first

    Fresh out of business school, the young man
    answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he
    was being interviewed by a very nervous man who
    ran a small business that he had started himself.
    "I need someone with an accounting degree," the
    man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone
    to do my worrying for me."

    "Excuse me?" the accountant said.

    "I worry about a lot of things," the man said.
    "But I don't want to have to worry about money.
    Your job will be to take all the money worries
    off my back."

    "I see," the accountant said. "And how much
    does the job pay?"

    "I'll start you at eighty thousand."

    "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
    "How can such a small business afford a sum like
    that?"

    "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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  82. #81  
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    Whew, scientific proof. What a relief to learn this!

    Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget
    what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these
    strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have
    discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an
    Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories
    from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room
    and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like
    this. It's not our age, it's that damn door !

    Did I send this to you already?
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  83. #82  
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    This short Japanese beer commercial may not be a joke, but it should bring a smile to your face.

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  84. #83  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post


    Did I send this to you already?
    Yes, many times.
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  85. #84  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Evolution in a nutshell:

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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  86. #85  
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    Clean whats zat

    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation
    drifted from politics to cooking.

    "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could
    never do anything with it."

    "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the
    other.

    "You said it. Every one of the recipes began
    the same way - 'Take a clean dish."
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  87. #86  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    This is not a joke, but it was pretty funny, well to me!

    Ok......true story...........

    Flying back from Hawai'i to Northern Cali, and I am in my seat awaiting who will be my "seat partner" on the flight.

    Waiting and finally this 6'3, GORGEOUS about 60 years old Greek man, walks up and smiles and says......"I believe I am your companion on the flight."

    I think I died and went to "heaven".

    He strikes up a conversation with me and we talk and laugh and have our dinner, and I look at him and tell him I have taken my "flying pill" and had my champagne and I will probably fall asleep and hope he isn't offended.

    Well, I fall asleep.

    I wake up......laying ON this man's chest, and he has his arm around me!

    I apologize still sleepy, and he proceeds to look down at me, and says, "You're fine, just go back to sleep."

    I did.

    My husband said, "ONLY YOU.......babe.....only you."
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  88. #87  
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    Roster compitetion

    An old farmer decided it was time to get a
    new rooster for his hens. The current rooster
    was still doing an okay job, but he was getting
    on in years. The farmer figured getting a new
    rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a
    young cock from the local rooster emporium, and
    turns him loose in the barnyard.

    Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting
    around, and he gets a little worried. "So, they're
    trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster.
    "I've got to do something about this."

    He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're
    the new stud in town? I bet you really think
    you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready
    for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still
    the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge
    you to a race around that hen house over there.
    We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes
    first gets to have all the hens for himself."

    The young rooster was a proud sort, and he
    definitely thought he was more than a match for
    the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster.

    "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give
    you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win
    easy," said the young rooster.

    The two roosters go over to the hen house to
    start the race with all the hens gathering around
    to watch. The race begins and all the hens start
    cheering the roosters on. After the first lap,
    the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
    After the second lap, the old guy's lead has
    slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
    Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues
    to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap
    he's just barely in front of the young rooster.


    By now the farmer has heard all the commotion.
    He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and
    runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something
    is after his chickens. When he gets there, he
    sees the two roosters running around the hen
    house, with the old rooster still slightly in
    the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims,
    fires, and blows the young rooster away.

    As he walks away slowly, he says to himself,
    "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought
    this month."
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  89. #88  
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    The Big Shot

    Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away
    to attend college and law school. He decided
    to come back to the small town because he could
    be a big man in this small town. He really wanted
    to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
    his new law office.

    The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
    He decided to make a big impression on this new
    client when he arrived. As the man came to the
    door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the
    man in, all the while talking.

    "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns
    in New York that I won't settle this case for
    less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court
    has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
    be handling the primary argument and the other
    members of my team will provide support. Okay.
    Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week
    to discuss the details. "

    This sort of thing went on for almost five
    minutes. All the while the man sat patiently
    as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put
    down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry
    for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
    What can I do for you?"

    The man replied, "I'm from the phone company.
    I came to hook up your phone."
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  90. #89  
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    Training is important

    One day a pirate and a bartender were talking
    to each other in a bar. The bartender asked the
    pirate, "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

    The pirate responded, "We were sailing the
    seas when a big old shark came up to me while
    I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

    Later the bartender asked, "Where did you get
    that hook then?"

    The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and I
    were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

    The bartender then asked, "Then where did ya
    get the eye patch from?"

    The pirate said, "In a harbor I looked at a
    gull flying over-head and it took a dump right
    in me eye."

    The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate,
    "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

    The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
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  91. #90  
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    Ouch!!!!!!

    Chris and Paul were having a beer at the neighborhood
    bar.

    "What's the matter?" asked Chris of his buddy.
    "You look kind of down."

    "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is
    just like a news bulletin."

    "Why's that?"

    "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually
    a disaster."
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  92. #91  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    And now a faeces joke from C&H:

    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  93. #92  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    Talking of pirates...
    Tom Baker. Best. Pirate. Ever!
    Edmund hires a ship - Blackadder - BBC - YouTube
    The later scene became a classic line in our office (as an excuse for many "sins of omission" of work).
    (Paraphrased).
    Edmund: When do the crew get here?
    Captain (Baker): Crew:
    Edmund: Shouldn't a ship have a crew?
    Captain: There's two schools of thought on that: I say no and everyone else says yes.
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  94. #93  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Cogito, it didn't work for me!! *sigh*
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  95. #94  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Cogito, it didn't work for me!! *sigh*

    I am afraid I cannot follow.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  96. #95  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    I think she's referring to post #99. Your cartoon has a Schroedingers cat like existence, sometimes it's there sometimes it's not.

    Here is a link to the cartoon:
    http://images1.fanpop.com/images/pho...97-715-498.jpg
    babe likes this.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  97. #96  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Complaints of a fetal nature

    A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm,
    while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing
    those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they
    cute, what are their names?"

    The man giving the lady an angry look replied,
    "I don't know."

    The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"

    The man looking angrier than before replied
    "I don't know."

    The woman then started to scold the man, "What
    kind of a father are you?".

    The man replied, "I am not their father, I
    am just a condom salesman and these are the 2
    complaints that I am taking back to my company."
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  98. #97  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Don't Mess With Morris

    A strong young man at the construction site was
    bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat
    of strength. He made a special case of making
    fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After
    several minutes, Morris had enough.

    "Why don't you put your money where your mouth
    is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that
    I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
    that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel
    back."

    "You're on, old man," the braggart replied.
    "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

    Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow
    by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man,
    he said, "All right. Get in."
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  99. #98  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Got A Reputation

    Brother John entered the'Monastery of Silence'
    and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is
    a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long
    as you like, but you may not speak until I direct
    you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery
    for five years before the Chief Priest said to
    him "Brother John,you have been here five years
    now, you may speak two words."

    Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

    "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said.
    "We will get you a better bed."

    After another five years, Brother John was
    called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another
    two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother
    John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the
    food would be better in the future.

    On his 15th anniversary at the monastery,
    the Chief Priest again called Brother John into
    his office. "Two words you may say today."

    "I Quit." said Brother John.

    "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest.
    "You've done nothing but complain since you got
    here."
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  100. #99  
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    Fertilizer

    A farmer was driving along the road with a
    load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in
    front of his house, saw him and called, "What've
    you got in your truck?"

    "Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

    "What are you going to do with it?" asked the
    little boy.

    "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

    "You ought to live here," the little boy advised
    him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
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  101. #100  
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    Lost in the YMCA

    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
    himself in the women's locker room. When he was
    spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
    grabbing towels and running for cover.

    The little boy watched in amazement and then
    asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever
    seen a little boy before?"
    jrmonroe likes this.
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