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Thread: Jokes

  1. #4301  
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    I lost a very close theatre friend who I did a few shows with last year.......everytime she had to go into oncology, she would ask me for a joke....here is one of the several of the last ones!


    A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby
    talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

    She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend "I went to visit myNana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

    She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

    She then asked Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

    "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

    Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest withgreat pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT".
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    A circus owner runs an ad for a 'lion tamer wanted' and two people showed up......

    One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties

    The circus owner tells them, I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."
    Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun ...... Who wants to try out first?"

    The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

    She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

    The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

    He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

    The old golfer replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
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    Q: Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
    A: So he can get oxygen to his brain.
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    An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
    He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
    Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
    4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
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    A Piece of Advice

    Never play leapfrog with a unicorn
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    So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
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    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

    As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

    He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

    Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

    She turned, smiled and said, "Business, the Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

    "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

    "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent".

    "We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

    Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry, "she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

    "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
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    3 women die together in a car accident. They're standing at the Pearly Gates awaiting entry when St Peter says, 'We only have one rule in Heaven'
    Almost in unison the 3 women ask 'What's that"
    As St. Peter lets them through the gates he tells them they must never step on a duck
    What a surprise it was for the women to see that heaven was full of ducks. So many ducks that it was almost impossible not to step on one.
    Sure enough, less than 24 hours after getting into heaven, one of the gals steps on a duck Along comes St Peter who chains her to the ugliest man she'd ever seen "This is your punishment, you will spend the rest of eternity chained to this man"
    A couple days later another one of the gals steps on a duck In a flash St. Peter is there and chains her to an absolutely grotesque looking man. As with the other woman, she is told that the punishment for stepping on a duck was spending eternity chained to this ugly individual
    The third woman manages to avoid stepping on a duck, months go by Then St Peter shows up and chains the best looking man she'd ever seen to her for eternity
    'What did I do to deserve this?', she asks the man The guy answers, " I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck"
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    3 women die together in a car accident. They're standing at the Pearly Gates awaiting entry when St Peter says, 'We only have one rule in Heaven'
    Almost in unison the 3 women ask 'What's that"
    As St. Peter lets them through the gates he tells them they must never step on a duck
    What a surprise it was for the women to see that heaven was full of ducks. So many ducks that it was almost impossible not to step on one.
    Sure enough, less than 24 hours after getting into heaven, one of the gals steps on a duck Along comes St Peter who chains her to the ugliest man she'd ever seen "This is your punishment, you will spend the rest of eternity chained to this man"
    A couple days later another one of the gals steps on a duck In a flash St. Peter is there and chains her to an absolutely grotesque looking man. As with the other woman, she is told that the punishment for stepping on a duck was spending eternity chained to this ugly individual
    The third woman manages to avoid stepping on a duck, months go by Then St Peter shows up and chains the best looking man she'd ever seen to her for eternity
    'What did I do to deserve this?', she asks the man The guy answers, " I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck"
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    A truck locks up it's brakes and slides to a dusty stop in the parkinglot of a bar. The trucker runs inside and orders a whiskey double downs the drink and says "god damn"
    orders another whiskey double downs the drink, says "Jesus Cheeeerist GOD DAMN!" and orders another downs the drink and almost shouts "Mary and Jesus, GOD DAMN SON OF A BITCH!" and orders another whiskey double
    The bar tender, politely mute up to this point says: "Ok buddy, but I'm gonna have to ask you t...o keep the swearing down a bit."
    "Why the hell should I?" asks the trucker
    "because" responds the bartender, "If you don't hold the 'god damns' down I'm gonna catch holy hell from the sisters at the convent next door.
    " "convent?" , "sisters?" really?
    "Yes" responds the bartender.Whereupon, the trucker almost leaps over the bar, grabs the bartender and says: "God bless you and thanks" "I would have sworn that I just ran over 2 six foot tall penguins
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    Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.
    That night over dinner, the first man tells his stor...y. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
    The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move,
    So, I came back to camp."
    "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
    "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal,
    "I couldn't find her head."
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    GROANER
    Cannibal cooking class
    Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
    ... The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
    The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
    "Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder... those are friars!"
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    I think this is a Henny Youngman joke:

    So I went to the psychiatrist and when he told me I was a paranoid schizophrenic I said I wanted a second opinion. The psychiatrist said no problem, I also think you are stupid!
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    never do that right
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    There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

    True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the sťance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."
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    A father phones his son.....
    "My boy, tomorrow is going to be one of the greatest days of your life"
    Son: "But Dad, I don't get married for a couple more days"
    Dad: "I know"
    Last edited by zinjanthropos; September 2nd, 2017 at 09:12 PM.
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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    Quote Originally Posted by dywyddyr View Post

    oh baby!
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    Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle ... especially in public.

    From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, they had ridden up his legs, and his lack of underpants had turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.


    Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

    On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The poor mechanic underthe car had to have three stitches in his head
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    Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when
    working under your vehicle ... especially in
    public.
    From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia
    comes this story of a couple who drove their
    car to K-Mart only to have their car break down
    in the parking lot. The man told his wife to
    carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
    car there in the lot. The wife returned later
    to see a small group of people near the car.
    On closer inspection she saw a pair of male
    legs protruding from under the chassis. Although
    the man was in shorts, they had ridden up his
    legs, and his lack of underpants had turned his
    private parts into glaringly public ones.
    Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully
    stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his
    shorts and tucked everything back into place.
    On regaining her feet she looked across the hood
    and found herself staring at her husband who
    was standing idly by. The poor mechanic under
    the car had to have three stitches in his head
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    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    Hey babe......Semper ubi sub ubi
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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    Just heard this one and before I forget it.....

    A man in a bar said during a conversation " All lawyers are assholes". A guy in a suit standing nearby said " I find that remark offensive" , " Oh really" said the first guy, " are you a lawyer?" the suit guy said " No, I'm an asshole".
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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    I have to get my joke hat back on!!


    SO sorry to see we are back
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    So God is getting a bit bored in heaven, and he asks his archangel Michael, "Michael, I need to get away from it all for a bit. Where should I go to clear my head?"
    Michael replies, "Well, you could always go to Pluto. You could go create a mountain and ski, have a bit of fun."
    God says, "No, I don't think so. I don't do so well with the cold, and frostbite was definitely not one of my better creations."
    The archangels says, "Alright, well you could always try Mercury. It's nice and warm, you could just take a bit of time to relax, get a nice tan."
    "Michael," God says, "do you see how white I am? I would burn to a crisp."
    Michael replies, "Alright, well then why don't you go to Earth?"
    "Fuck that," God says, "last time I went there I got some girl pregnant and I have NEVER heard the end of it."
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    n engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - You're in the wrong place."
    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
    One day God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
    God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him back up."
    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"
    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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    Two old ladies are sitting through a very long church service. Finally
    one whispers to her friend; My butt's asleep. Her friend reply's; yes,
    I know, I've heard it snore three times now.
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    Two old ladies are sitting through a very long church service. Finally
    one whispers to her friend; My butt's asleep. Her friend reply's; yes,
    I know, I've heard it snore three times now.
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    A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, ''Where is your mother?'' The boy states, ''She's in the backyard, screwing the goat.'' The man exclaims, ''Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!'' The boy says, ''Come on in and I'll show you.'' So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman screwing a goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, ''That is gross! Doesn't that bother you?'' The little boy answers, ''Naaaaaaaaah!''
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    One day a man went into the dentist's to get a tooth pulled. When the
    dentist told him he needed to give him some anesthetic he refused. The
    dentist told him this again and he refused saying''I have experienced the 2
    worst pains in the world I don't need anesthetic''. So the dentist pulled
    the tooth and the guy just sat there and didn't even flinch. When this was
    done the dentist says to the man ''What were those pains ?''. The guy
    says''the first when happened while i was out hunting, I squatted down to
    take a shit and got my balls caught in a bear trap''. The dentist asks him
    what the second one was and the guy says ''when I reached the end of the
    Chain''
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    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight'

    Wife says 'Why don't you wear Silver and come 2nd for a change?!'
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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    Replies: 53
    Last Post: May 2nd, 2013, 04:27 PM
  2. Philosophy Jokes
    By digiplaya in forum Philosophy
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: December 12th, 2012, 03:52 AM
  3. Geek Jokes
    By Fatboy Miller in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: December 11th, 2012, 11:16 AM
  4. Math jokes
    By Schemmy888 in forum Mathematics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: June 5th, 2011, 11:14 PM
  5. Mathematics jokes
    By JaneBennet in forum Mathematics
    Replies: 42
    Last Post: July 7th, 2008, 09:25 PM
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