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Thread: Jokes

  1. #201  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    A Day at the Zoo

    It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his
    wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the
    day and at closing time they walked past the
    gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla
    looking at his wife.

    "That gorilla is getting excited just looking
    at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take
    your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"


    At first she declined but finally persuaded
    by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.
    The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
    jumping up and down.

    "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow
    his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll
    see what he does." Again she said no and again
    he persuaded her. This time the ape really went
    bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did
    flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food
    all over the cage.

    The husband went over to the cage, opened the
    door and pushed his wife in.

    "Now," said the husband with an evil smile,
    "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"
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  2. #202  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    The Cukoo Clock

    The other night I was invited out for a night
    with the guys. I told my wife that I would be
    home by midnight... "promise!"

    Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer
    was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as
    a skunk, I headed for home.

    Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock
    in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
    Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so
    I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud
    of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution,
    even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.


    The next morning my wife asked me what time
    I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't
    seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one,
    I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo
    clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well,
    last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh
    f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
    cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice
    more.... then farted."
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  3. #203  
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    The Harried Pharmacist

    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the
    door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
    "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly
    this morning on the phone."

    Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront
    the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he
    could say more than a few words, the druggist
    told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen
    to my side of it...

    This morning the alarm failed to go off, so
    I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
    and hurried out to the car, just to realize that
    I locked the house with both house and car keys
    inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
    Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
    ticket.

    Later, about three blocks from the store, I
    had a flat tire. When I got to the store there
    was a bunch of people waiting for me to open
    up. I opened and started waiting on these people,
    and all the time the darn phone was ringing off
    the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of
    nickels against the cash register drawer to make
    change, and they spilled all over the floor.
    I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
    nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I
    came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
    which made me stagger back against a showcase
    with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of
    them hit the floor and broke.

    Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with
    no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It
    was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
    a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all
    I did was tell her!"
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  4. #204  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    I am definitely going to try this one when I am going out:

    babe likes this.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  5. #205  
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    Traffic Ticket

    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper
    for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture
    the farmer about his speed, and in general began
    to throw his weight around to try to make the
    farmer uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing
    out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept
    swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
    his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems
    with circle flies there, are ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and
    said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I
    never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well,
    circle flies are common on farms. See, they're
    called circle flies because they're almost always
    found circling around the back end of a horse."


    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing
    the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and
    says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to
    call me a horses ass?"

    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too
    much respect for law enforcement and police officers
    to even think about calling you a horses ass."


    The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing,"
    and goes back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard
    to fool them flies though."
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  6. #206  
    Forum Professor Daecon's Avatar
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    Some people have DNA, others have C30H46O3
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  7. #207  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    You should also wear this T-shirt...

    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  8. #208  
    Forum Masters Degree mat5592's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    Nice. Without the structure, it took we a while to work it out though!

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    It's moronic acid
    You could have been like me and just googled it
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  9. #209  
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    Medical terminoligy

    The man told his doctor that he wasn't able
    to do all the things around the house that he
    used to do. When the examination was complete,
    he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in
    plain English what is wrong with me."

    "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied,
    "you're just lazy."

    "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical
    term so I can tell my wife."
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  10. #210  
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    The Truth

    Two young boys were discussing their parents,
    when one realized he really knew very little
    about his mother. Arriving home that evening,
    he gave her a third degree examination.

    "How old are you?" he asked.

    "None of your business," replied his mother,
    shortly.

    "Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

    "That's not your business either, young man."


    The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final
    bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you
    and daddy got divorced?"

    Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed
    without supper.

    The next day, the kid reports his failure to
    his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just
    look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll
    tell you everything you want to know."

    Later that day, mom finds her son next to her
    disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license.
    "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"
    she yells. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I
    wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but
    my friend said it's all right here. See, you're
    40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy
    divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."
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  11. #211  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    You should also wear this T-shirt...

    What does it mean?
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  12. #212  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    One day a little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex.
    He said "Mommy what are you doing to daddy?"
    She responded, "Since daddy's so fat I'm trying to flatten his stomach."
    The little boy repiled, "Why bother, the maid comes to blow him back up every weekend!"
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  13. #213  
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    One day a little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex.
    He said "Mommy what are you doing to daddy?"
    She responded, "Since daddy's so fat I'm trying to flatten his stomach."
    The little boy replied, "Why bother, the maid comes to blow him back up every weekend!"
    That sounds a lot like a little Johnny joke.
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  14. #214  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Little Johnny's dad had to go out of town on a business trip. So he squats down to have a serious talk with Johnny. "Johnny, I have to go out of town for a few days. So you have to be the man of the house and take care of everything for me. Can you do that?"

    Johnny stands up straighter and replies proudly, "I will Dad!"

    When his Dad came home he asked Johnny how everything was.

    Johnny said, "Everything's fine now, but we almost lost Mom"

    Alarmed, Dad asked, "What do you mean?!"

    Johnny said, "Well, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and when I passed your room I heard something and stopped and looked into the room. Mom was yelling, 'Oh God, I'm coming', and if Uncle Bob wasn't holding her down she would have gone!"
    ================================================== ==============================

    The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

    One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

    When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

    Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

    Johnny said "Yes"

    "Well, what did the principal say?"

    "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
    ================================================== ==============================

    Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

    Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

    Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

    To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
    ================================================== =============================

    On his 10th birthday, little Johnny's father took him aside. "I think you're old enough now that we should have a talk about the birds and the bees."

    "No!" said little Johnny. "When I turned 6 you told me there was no Easter Bunny and when I turned 8 you told me there was no Santa Claus."

    "So now if you're going to tell me adults don't really fuck, I don't wanna hear it!"
    ================================================== ==============================

    Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

    The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

    Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

    Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

    Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

    The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

    "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

    Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."
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  15. #215  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    One day a little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex.
    He said "Mommy what are you doing to daddy?"
    She responded, "Since daddy's so fat I'm trying to flatten his stomach."
    The little boy replied, "Why bother, the maid comes to blow him back up every weekend!"
    That sounds a lot like a little Johnny joke.

    Little Johnny is hilarious!
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  16. #216  
    Forum Professor Daecon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    You should also wear this T-shirt...

    What does it mean?
    It's a mineral that was first discovered in 1824 near the town of Cummington, Massachusetts.

    Because of that, it's called "Cummingtonite".
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  17. #217  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daecon View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    You should also wear this T-shirt...

    What does it mean?
    It's a mineral that was first discovered in 1824 near the town of Cummington, Massachusetts.

    Because of that, it's called "Cummingtonite".
    *cough* men don't have a problem with that!
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  18. #218  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    *cough* men don't have a problem with that!

    Unless he needs C22H30N6O4S.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  19. #219  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    Judging by the posts on this forum Bad Robot is the expert on that particular compound
    I could be expert about a lot of things based on what I post.


    What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?

    Pack his lunch and send him to work.

    ================================================== =====

    What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?

    Cowboy hats are for assholes!

    ================================================== =====

    A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

    "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..."

    ================================================== =====

    A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

    His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

    "You'll see", he replies.

    They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

    "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

    His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."

    ================================================== ======

    A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?

    "Yes, I did."

    "Did you call him stupid?"

    "Yes."

    "And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"

    "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

    ================================================== =======

    A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

    He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

    He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

    "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

    "Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
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  20. #220  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    *cough* men don't have a problem with that!

    Unless he needs C22H30N6O4S.
    Viagra? BRING IT ON!! *chuckle*
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  21. #221  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Last edited by Admin; February 12th, 2014 at 06:38 AM. Reason: Removed Malware image. Replaced with a copy.
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  22. #222  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  23. #223  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cogito ergo sum View Post
    oh my goddess!
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  24. #224  
    Forum Masters Degree pavlos's Avatar
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    A blind guy walks into a bar ( yes that old cliché ) and orders a drink, whilst he sitting he's chatting to the barmaid. He says "hey do you want to hear a blonde joke" She replies "I wouldn't if I was you, I'm blonde the waitresses are all blonde and the cook is a burly blonde Russian ex-shotputter." "Perhaps your right" he said "I'd only be repeating it all night"
    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  25. #225  
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    This guy just got of the train a kings cross and he is dying for a poop, but all the toilets are shut as it's past eleven, So he's walking down the road and notice's that Poundland has large recessed door which is in the shadows so he says to himself I'll poop there, anyhow he drops his trousers and relieves himself. Just as he's pulling up his trouser a copper comes along, so he quickly put his baseball cap over the top of the poop. The copper says "what's going on here then" and he replies "well officer I caught this rare bird and it's under me cap, could you guard it whilst I go and get a cage" and off he goes leaving the copper guarding the poop, well along comes sergeant panda in the panda car, he says "what you standing here for" so the copper explains. The Sarg then says " we cant wait here all night, I'll count to three and grab the cap you grab the bird." " 1. 2. 3. Did you get it" says the Sarg "No! But I scared the s**t out of him. "Look!"
    babe likes this.
    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  26. #226  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    Little Johnny accidentally steps into the bathroom while his mother is showering.
    He stares at her privates and asks, 'mom, what's that?'
    Mom tells him that it's her sponge
    Later on mom drops a cup of milk on the floor while making dinner
    Frantic, she looks for a way to clean it up
    Not successful she begins to scream, 'where's my sponge, has anybody seen it?
    Just as this is happening Little Johnny runs into the kitchen from next door
    'I know where your sponge is mommy, says Little Johnny
    "Where is it, son?
    'It's next door, Mrs Johnson has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it right now'
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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  27. #227  
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  28. #228  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Little Johnny likes to gamble.
    One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
    Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
    So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
    The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
    The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
    She says yes I know who you are.
    Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
    The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
    She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
    That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
    So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
    The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
    Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
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  29. #229  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    I love the little Johnny jokes!

    Hilarious

    Thanks boys!
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  30. #230  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Not so much a joke but highly amusing:
    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  31. #231  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    (inducible Nitric Oxide Synthases (iNOS) are involved in immune responses and produce nitric oxide as an immune defense mechanism)
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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  32. #232  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    Not so much a joke but highly amusing:
    That vid should take care of some pre-existing stereotypes
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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  33. #233  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    Somebody told me that Gorilla jokes were once the rage. I heard this one over a campfire....

    A guy leaves his house to go to work but before he can get in his car he notices a gorilla perched upon his roof. Not concerned with how it got there, the guy knows that going to work is out of the question until he can deal with the gorilla problem. He pulls out his cell phone and calls 911. He explains the situation and before long a fire truck shows up at his house. Upon arrival, a lone fireman assesses the scene and then begins to unload his truck. He pulls out an extension ladder, a chair, a mattress, a gun and a bulldog with 6" fangs. He explains to the owner that he is going to use the ladder to climb onto the roof, use the chair like a lion tamer and force the gorilla to fall off onto the mattress below where the bulldog with 6" fangs will latch onto the gorilla's nuts as it is trained to do. The fireman now hands the guy the gun. 'WTF is this for?', he asks. To which the fireman looks him straight in the eye and says," if that gorilla throws me off that roof, then shoot that goddam dog."
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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  34. #234  
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    Not what you would expect from a little girl.

    Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said"Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him "I'm parking my car in yours mom's garage. Go back to bed."
    Well the next day, the girl next door came over to play with johnny. He said " I have a new game for us to play." what's it called the girl replied . It's called parking the car . Wanna try it he said. Sure said the little girl.
    Well Johnny tells her how to play and they get off to a good start. A few minutes later all you can here is little Johnny screaming . His mom rushes into the room and says" what the hell is going on here? . The girl tries her best to explain. She said "You see we were playing park the car and johnny got his car all most all the way in. The back tires wouldnt fit so I cut them off!
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  35. #235  
    Forum Masters Degree pavlos's Avatar
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    Obama and Assad are having a conversation via Russian television. Assad tells Obama, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can only see total peace in the future!"
    Obama replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what exactly you see?"
    Assad answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."
    Obama says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell you what I see for the future of Syria... I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are lots of signs hanging in the middle of the street."
    Assad asks, "And what do they say?"
    Obama answers, "How the hell, do I know. I can't read Hebrew!"
    sculptor and babe like this.
    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  36. #236  
    Forum Masters Degree pavlos's Avatar
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    A guy picks up a large girl in a bar. He's been there all night drinking and now he just wants to have sex.
    An hour later, they're busy going at it when he says, "Can we switch the light off?"
    "Why dear?" she asks, ..."don't you want to look at me?"
    "No," he replies, "it's burning my arse!"
    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  37. #237  
    Forum Masters Degree pavlos's Avatar
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    Charlie and his wife, Sandra are having financial problems, so they
    decide she should go on the game ( become a whore)
    She's not quite sure what to do, so Charlie says, "Stand outside that bar and wait for a guy to pull up.
    Tell him a hundred quid. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
    Sandra's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says,
    "How much?" .."A hundred dollars," she smiles.
    He says, "S**t! All I've got is thirty."
    She says, "Hold on." Sandra runs back to Charlie and says,
    "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Charlie says, "Give him a handjob."
    She runs back and tells the guy, all he can have is a handjob.
    Sandra gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge penis.
    She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "Hold on."
    She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Charlie, Charlie, lend this guy this seventy quid?"
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    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  38. #238  
    Forum Masters Degree pavlos's Avatar
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    A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says
    that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

    "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

    She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams
    in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes
    her ankle and screams and so it goes on.

    The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
    She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

    "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  39. #239  
    Forum Masters Degree pavlos's Avatar
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    Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the
    street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

    She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again... but for no reason."

    The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big problem, don't you like getting flowers?"

    The brunette says, "Oh sure ... but he always expects sex after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

    The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase then?"
    Bad Robot and Cogito Ergo Sum like this.
    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  40. #240  
    Forum Masters Degree pavlos's Avatar
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    This guy is supremely drunk, he gets up to leave the pub and fall on his face, breaking his nose, He crawls to the door grabs hold of the door frame pulls himself up and falls flat on his face again this time cutting his ear, this goes on all the way home, by the time he gets in his house and up to his bed he has two black-eyes, four missing teeth, a broken nose and a split ear.
    Next morning he wakes up looks over to his wife a says, "I got drunk last night." "Drunk! Drunk! I'd say you were drunk, you left your wheel chair behind."
    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  41. #241  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
    First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
    Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
    Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
    "Does a fart have lumps?"
    The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
    "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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  42. #242  
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    Cannibal cooking class

    Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal
    says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender
    missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em,
    I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even
    tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem
    to get them tender."

    The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary
    do you use?"

    The other replied, "You know, the ones that
    hang out at that place at the bend of the river.
    They have those brown cloaks with a rope around
    the waist and their sort of bald on top with
    a funny ring of hair on their heads."

    "Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder... those are
    friars!"
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  43. #243  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Blondes outsmarting the Game Warden

    Three blondes are sitting by the side of a
    river holding fishing poles with the lines in
    the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them,
    taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me,
    ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."


    "We don't have any," replied the first blonde.


    "Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing
    licenses." said the Game Warden.

    "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we
    aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end
    of our lines and we're collecting debris off
    the bottom of the river."

    The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and,
    sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied
    on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no
    law against it," said the Game Warden, "take
    all the debris you want." And with that, the
    Game Warden left.

    As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight,
    the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
    "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said
    to the other two, "doesn't he know that there
    are steelhead trout in this river?!"
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  44. #244  
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    Set the record straight -- all men should read
    this!

    A man takes his wife to the stock show. They
    start heading down the alley that had the bulls.
    They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:
    "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife
    turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times
    in a year, you could learn from him."

    They proceed to the next bull and his sign
    stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
    The wife turns to her husband and says, "This
    one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5
    times a month. You can learn from this one, also."


    They proceeded to the last bull and his sign
    said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
    The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He
    mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!!
    You could really learn from this one."

    The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up
    and inquire if it was 365 times with the same
    cow."
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  45. #245  
    Forum Masters Degree pavlos's Avatar
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    Big Chief Bowel gets a letter from the council, there are building a road through his land and he will have to move.
    Well he's not happy, so he goes to town and unfortunately right next door to the council office is the local doctor, and Chief Bowel goes in there by mistake, He says loudly "Bowel no move" The doctor hears this and given him some laxative, Chief Bowel leave somewhat confused, anyway a week passes and he gets another notice to move, so he heads back to town, makes the same mistake and in a very loud voice says Bowel still no move" the doctor gives him a stronger laxative. Another week passes and he gets another notice to move, he heads back to town walks straight into the doctors and says "Bowel now move, teepee full of s**t"
    A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose. Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?" The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
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  46. #246  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    From here.
    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  47. #247  
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    Party at the tower of power(wherein was the president of the university's office) and the guest was the great man in the field.
    A doctoral candidate approached his idol, and began to hold forth about continuing the work started by the great man.
    To which, the great man responded: "Oh that silly thing, completely worthless, I gave up on that nonsense long ago".

    It always seems darkest just before it gets pitch black.
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  48. #248  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    Little Rastus is in class
    The teacher is asking the kids to use a word in a sentence.
    "OK, class the next word is dictate"
    No one answers but little Rastus is waving his arms frantically
    The teacher scans the room hoping that some other kid answers
    Eventually she knows she has to give in
    "Alright Rastus, go ahead"
    Little Rastus stands up, looks towards a girl he really likes,
    "Hey Vanessa, how'd my dick tate last night?
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    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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  49. #249  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pavlos View Post
    Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the
    street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

    She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again... but for no reason."

    The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big problem, don't you like getting flowers?"

    The brunette says, "Oh sure ... but he always expects sex after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

    The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase then?"
    I found this in card form and sent to my best friend as her birthday card. Hilarious!! Thanks!
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  50. #250  
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  51. #251  
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  52. #252  
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    On my way home.......

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  53. #253  
    Forum Ph.D. merumario's Avatar
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    Not really the laughing one but could use some jokes to relief me from myself#
    "I am sorry for making this letter longer than usual.I actually lacked the time to make it shorter."###
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  54. #254  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    From here.

    I love that Facebook group!
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  55. #255  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    On my way home.......
    It's obvious to me that more funding is required for those hilltop space observatories in Hawaii.
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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  56. #256  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by merumario View Post
    Not really the laughing one but could use some jokes to relief me from myself#
    Relief joke:

    Two sailors were adrift in a lifeboat after their boat sank
    After about a week a mermaid swam up to them
    She said she could offer them one wish to save their lives
    Without hesitation one sailor yelled out
    "I wish the ocean was made of beer"
    Poof! the mermaid was gone but the ocean had turned to beer
    The other sailor started crying
    The sailor who made the wish said " those must be tears of joy"
    'No', he said, 'I'm sad, because now we have to piss in the boat"
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    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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  57. #257  
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    Rain Dance

    A film crew was on location deep in the desert.
    One day an old Indian went up to the director
    and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.


    A week later, the Indian went up to the director
    and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there
    was a hailstorm.

    "This Indian is incredible," said the director.
    He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict
    the weather. However, after several successful
    predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for
    two weeks.

    Finally the director sent for him. "I have
    to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director,
    "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather
    be like?"

    The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know,"
    he said. "Radio is broken."
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  58. #258  
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    Reality ChecK!!!!!

    A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife
    packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"


    She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard
    prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what
    I do for you for free!"

    Later that night on her way out the wife walks
    into the bedroom and sees her husband packing
    his suitcase.

    When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
    "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live
    on $800 a year!"
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  59. #259  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Here's an oldie but goodie.

    Set up

    Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, but I wasn't
    feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to
    breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
    say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present
    for me.

    But, she didn't even say "Good Morning," let
    alone any "Happy Birthday."

    I thought, well...that's a wife for you. I
    guess, the children will remember. Then, the
    children came into breakfast, but, they didn't
    say a word.

    When I started to the office, I was feeling
    pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my
    office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
    Boss, happy birthday." And I felt a little better,
    someone had remembered.

    I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on
    my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
    day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go
    to lunch, just you and me."

    I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard
    all day. Let's go."

    So, we went to lunch. We didn't go where we
    normally go. We went out into the country to
    a little private place. We had two martinis and
    enjoyed lunch tremendously.

    On the way back to the office, Janet said,
    "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't
    need to go back to the office, do we?"

    I said, "No, I guess not."

    She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

    After arriving at her apartment, she said,
    "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into
    the bedroom, and slip into something more comfortable."


    "Sure," I excitedly replied.

    Janet went into the bedroom and, in about six
    minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
    cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens
    of my friends. All were singing "Happy Birthday"
    .. and there I sat on the couch ... naked.
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  60. #260  
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    Manly Communication

    Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
    Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.
    As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
    points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

    The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
    "Dog crap, 20 feet."
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  61. #261  
    Moderator Moderator Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    A classic 'knock knock' joke:


    (I am not sure about how one detects cancer with a stethoscope​)
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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  62. #262  
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    The Perfect Mate

    At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding
    on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her
    friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light
    amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes,
    sing, and stay home at night!"

    An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey,
    if that's all you want, get a TV!"
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  63. #263  
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    Two Irish Friends

    Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local
    pub drinking a few beers.

    So, Thomas O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, "Liam,
    me buddy, me ol' pal. When I die would you please
    pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?"

    Liam said, "Why certainly, but could I pour
    it through me bladder first?"
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  64. #264  
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    Gifts

    A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring
    for Christmas.

    After hearing about this extravagant gift,
    a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one
    of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

    "She did," he replied. "But where the hell
    was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
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  65. #265  
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    Money to a Bum

    A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.
    "I feel really good today. I started out this
    morning with an act of unselfish generosity.
    I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

    "You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's
    a lot of money to just give away. What did your
    husband say about it?"

    "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to
    do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
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  66. #266  
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    A doctor brings a guy into the office to tell him the results of some medical tests. The doctor says "I'm afraid I have two pieces of bad news. First of all you have cancer." The patient says, "That's terrible, Doc, what's the other news?" The doctor says "You also have Alzheimer's disease." The patient says, "Well, that's not so bad, I guess. It could be worse. At least I don't have cancer."
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  67. #267  
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    Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education
    program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the
    gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older
    students.

    My observations were confirmed the day a new student
    walked into our library area and glanced at the
    encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

    "What are all these books?" he asked.

    Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were
    encyclopedias.

    "Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"
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  68. #268  
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    Proof that Vodka is good for your brain

    Proof that Vodka is good for your brain: When
    NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
    discovered that ball-point pens would not work
    in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA
    scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing
    a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
    underwater, on almost any surface including glass
    and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
    to over 300C. When confronted with the same problem,
    the Russians used a pencil
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  69. #269  
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    A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in
    logic.

    "Here is the situation," she said.

    "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river,
    fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins
    splashing and yelling for help.

    His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and
    runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the
    bank?"

    A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all
    his savings?"
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  70. #270  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Proof that Vodka is good for your brain

    Proof that Vodka is good for your brain: When
    NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
    discovered that ball-point pens would not work
    in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA
    scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing
    a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
    underwater, on almost any surface including glass
    and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
    to over 300C. When confronted with the same problem,
    the Russians used a pencil
    Nitpick:
    snopes.com: NASA Space Pen

    I know- it's the jokes thread... But what life be without the resident jerk to ruin the mood?
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  71. #271  
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    In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
    Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
    The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
    Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
    The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
    Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
    The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
    He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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    The teacher is going around the room, saying the names of animals, and the kids have to make the sound that the animal does.
    She says cow, and cindy raises her hand and says, moooo. very good cindy.
    She says duck, and bobby raises his hand and says, quack quack. very good bobby
    She says pig, little johnny raises his hand and says, freeze or i`ll shoot.
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  73. #273  
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    My favorite TV dialogue scene of all time. I think I posted this a few years ago here but what the hell, it deserves an encore. It's from Cheers:

    Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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  74. #274  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    3 women die together in a car accident.
    They're standing at the Pearly Gates awaiting entry when St Peter says, 'We only have one rule in Heaven'
    Almost in unison the 3 women ask 'What's that"
    As St. Peter lets them through the gates he tells them they must never step on a duck
    What a surprise it was for the women to see that heaven was full of ducks. So many ducks that it was almost impossible not to step on one.
    Sure enough, less than 24 hours after getting into heaven, one of the gals steps on a duck
    Along comes St Peter who chains her to the ugliest man she'd ever seen
    "This is your punishment, you will spend the rest of eternity chained to this man"
    A couple days later another one of the gals steps on a duck
    In a flash St. Peter is there and chains her to an absolutely grotesque looking man.
    As with the other woman, she is told that the punishment for stepping on a duck was spending eternity chained to this ugly individual
    The third woman manages to avoid stepping on a duck, months go by
    Then St Peter shows up and chains the best looking man she'd ever seen to her for eternity
    'What did I do to deserve this?', she asks the man
    The guy answers, " I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck"
    All that belongs to human understanding, in this deep ignorance and obscurity, is to be skeptical, or at least cautious; and not to admit of any hypothesis, whatsoever; much less, of any which is supported by no appearance of probability...Hume
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  75. #275  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope zinjanthropos's Avatar
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    Last one before I hit the sack... I've had this one primed and ready for some time but it's somewhat politically risque. However I heard it from a black man I've known for years, so if it's good enough for him then, well you never know...... it's a joke, not meant to offend so I'll apologize now to those who are. Made me laugh when I heard it, how he told it and the punchline which I altered a little bit as to not get censored.

    Little Rastus was watching some workmen out in the street mixing concrete
    He got a little too close and before you know it he was covered in concrete dust
    Didn't take long for Little Rastus to realize he now looked white
    He got all excited and ran into his house where he bumps into Grandpa
    "Grampy, Grampy, look at me, I is white"
    Grampa just shrugs him off and tells Rastus to go see his mother in the kitchen
    Rastus runs into the kitchen, 'Momma, Momma, look....I is white
    Momma was too busy to care and she sent Rastus into the backyard to talk to his father
    "Poppa, Poppa, lookie here, I is white"
    Dad was too busy drinking his wine, "Rastus go play in the street, you is bothering me'
    Mad as hell, Little Rastus runs out to the street and mutters to himself
    "Shit, I ain't been white no mo' than 10 minutes and already I doesn't like black folks"
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  76. #276  
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    Quote Originally Posted by zinjanthropos View Post
    On my way home.......
    It's obvious to me that more funding is required for those hilltop space observatories in Hawaii.
    I believe they are speaking of adding another. Funding is in place.
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  77. #277  
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    Quote Originally Posted by zinjanthropos View Post
    Dad was too busy drinking his wine, "Rastus go play in the street, you is bothering me'
    Mad as hell, Little Rastus runs out to the street and mutters to himself
    "Shit, I ain't been white no mo' than 10 minutes and already I doesn't like black folks"
    I know the alteration- as I've heard this one before. Also told to me by a black guy.
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  78. #278  
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  79. #279  
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    Bad Robot and babe like this.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  80. #280  
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    How Many A Head?

    Three days in a row, a guy walked into the
    barber shop and asked, "How many people ahead
    of me?"

    The barber would tell him the number - four,
    six or whatever. On the fourth day when he walked
    in and asked, the barber said "Two," and the
    guy ran out again.

    "Where in hell does he go when he leaves here?"
    the barber asked the room in general. "Over to
    your house," came the reply.
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  81. #281  
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    The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few
    minutes.

    When she returned, she found the children in perfect
    order.

    Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

    She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen
    anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please
    tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well
    behaved and quiet?"

    Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and
    said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back
    and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
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  82. #282  
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    Two in One

    A woman and her little girl were visiting the
    grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their
    way through the cemetery back to the car, the
    little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury
    two people in the same grave?"

    "Of course not, dear," replied the mother.
    "Why would you think that?"

    "The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies
    a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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  83. #283  
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    fertility specialist

    With the help of a fertility specialist, a
    65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives
    come to visit and meet the newest member of their
    family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65
    year old mother says "not yet." A little later
    they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother
    says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we
    see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the
    baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to
    wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says,
    "because I forgot where I put it."
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  84. #284  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Two in One

    A woman and her little girl were visiting the
    grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their
    way through the cemetery back to the car, the
    little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury
    two people in the same grave?"

    "Of course not, dear," replied the mother.
    "Why would you think that?"

    "The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies
    a lawyer and an honest man.'"
    He could be dual........
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    "I am sorry for making this letter longer than usual.I actually lacked the time to make it shorter."###
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  85. #285  
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    A truck locks up it's brakes and slides to a dusty stop in the parkinglot of a bar.
    The trucker runs inside and orders a whiskey double
    downs the drink and says "god damn"
    orders another whiskey double
    downs the drink, says "Jesus Cheeeerist GOD DAMN!"
    and orders another
    downs the drink and almost shouts "Mary and Jesus, GOD DAMN SON OF A BITCH!"
    and orders another whiskey double
    The bar tender, politely mute up to this point
    says: "Ok buddy, but I'm gonna have to ask you to keep the swearing down a bit."
    "Why the hell should I?" asks the trucker
    "because" responds the bartender, "If you don't hold the 'god damns' down I'm gonna catch holy hell from the sisters at the convent next door"
    "convent?" , "sisters?" really?
    "Yes" responds the bartender.
    Whereupon, the trucker almost leaps over the bar, grabs the bartender and says:
    "God bless you and thanks"
    "I would have sworn that I just ran over 2 six foot tall penguins."
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  86. #286  
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    A teacher at an infant school is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he was doing.


    "Well Miss, the spider's name is Herbert and watch this." Johnny then bends down to the spider and whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a bit in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.


    The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbert, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" but Herbert doesn't move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After several attempts, Johnny is now shouting at the spider "Run, Herbert, Run" but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks "Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?" Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf"
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  87. #287  
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    One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
    "If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
    "None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.

    "That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."
    Then little Johnny asks the teacher, "If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one biting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"

    "The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
    "That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."
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  88. #288  
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    Mental Hospital

    After hearing that one of the patients in a
    mental hospital had saved another from a suicide
    attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the
    director reviewed the rescuer's file and called
    him into his office.

    "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior
    indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only
    sorry that the man you saved later killed himself
    with a rope around the neck."

    "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied.
    "I hung him up to dry."
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    Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
    were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You
    know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up
    today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south
    and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our
    experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.
    That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then
    I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

    The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks.
    I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.
    I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every
    imaginable way all afternoon.
    Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move,

    So, I came back to camp."

    "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
    "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal,

    "I couldn't find her head."
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  91. #291  
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  92. #292  
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post

    The expression "beam me up" becomes really ambiguous.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  93. #293  
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    Terrible Pain

    The doctor was examining a young blonde model
    who was having terrible pain in her abdomen.

    "My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the
    doctor said.

    The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't
    try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined,
    not complimented."
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  94. #294  
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    You got the warning

    Finding one of her students making faces at
    others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to
    gently reprove the child.

    Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher
    said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told
    if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and
    I would stay like that."

    Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith,
    you can't say you weren't warned."
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  95. #295  
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    Psychological Profile

    The psychology instructor had just finished
    a lecture on mental health and was giving an
    oral test.

    Speaking specifically about manic depression,
    she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient
    who walks back and forth screaming at the top
    of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair
    weeping uncontrollably the next?"

    A young man in the rear raised his hand and
    answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"
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  96. #296  
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    Hillbilly View

    A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from
    a shopping spree, was walking down the street
    when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her
    skirt. The hillbilly standing nearby just looked
    and smiled.

    The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that
    you're no gentleman!"

    The hillbilly replies, "And I kin see you ain't
    one, neither!"
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  97. #297  
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    Single atheist consider yourself warned.

    The Proposal

    One evening, a young woman came home from a
    date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony
    proposed to me an hour ago."

    "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

    "Because he also told me he is an atheist.
    Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

    Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
    the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong
    he is."
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  98. #298  
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    Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
    Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
    "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
    Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

    So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
    At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
    He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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  99. #299  
    Forum Ph.D. merumario's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
    Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
    "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
    Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

    So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
    At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
    He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
    That's a nice one man......this jokes are really helping#
    "I am sorry for making this letter longer than usual.I actually lacked the time to make it shorter."###
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  100. #300  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by merumario View Post

    That's a nice one man......this jokes are really helping#
    Yeah! Little Johnny jokes are great and there seems to be more of them every day.

    One day the teacher told her class to think of something exciting that happened recently.


    Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.


    Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.


    Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.
    He said, "Hell if I know, but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door killed himself."
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