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Thread: Jokes

  1. #2501  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    A US Air Force C-130

    was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During

    the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is
    still

    full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base ops and an
    airman

    who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

    The young man finally gets to the flight line and makes his way to the
    aircraft

    only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is
    frozen

    solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more
    time.

    He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has
    to do.

    Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully

    (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

    As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude
    and

    performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally
    see to

    it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up
    tall

    and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the

    United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months
    without

    any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.

    I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature

    is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an
    aircraft.

    Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
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  2. #2502  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    AIR FORCE ONE !

    The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
    George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
    $1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
    happy."

    Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100.00
    bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

    Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10.00
    bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

    Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
    co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them
    out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."
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  3. #2503  
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    THAT IS SO SO SO SIR DUCKY!!
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  5. #2505  
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    "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

    The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
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  6. #2506  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
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    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
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    Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."
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    Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
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  10. #2510  
    Forum Freshman kimboley's Avatar
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    A wife needed a few things from her husband. She knew the best time to ask him for anything was in the morning, after she had made him a big breakfast.
    So, when morning came, after a big breakfast, the husband was sitting at the table reading the paper.
    Wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just got, its not going into the spin cycle. I was hoping you could take a look at it and see if you could fix it?"
    Husband lowers the newspaper and says, "What do I look like? The Maytag repair man? You call up the place where we got that washer and have somebody come out and fix it!!"

    Wife says, "Well honey, um, you know that new truck we just got, something is wrong with it. It won't go into reverse. I was hoping you could take a look at it and see if you could fix it"

    Husband lowers the newspaper again and says, "What do I look like, Mr Goodwrench? you call up the place where we got that truck and have somebody else come and fix it.!!"

    Husband goes to work, knock at the door. It's the neighbor, Fred. He says to wife, "I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with your husband and I think I can help you out"

    Wife says, "Oh, that would be wonderful. But what would you want for fixing these things?'

    Fred says, "I tell you what, you can either bake me a cake or give me a blow job"

    So later that day husband comes home. Wife greets him at the door. "Honey, Fred came over and fixed the washer and the truck!"

    Husband says, "Oh no. Fred never does anything for free, what did he want?"

    Wife says, "Well he said I could bake him a cake or give him a blow job."

    Husband says, "Well what did you do??"

    Wife replies, "Well what do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"
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  11. #2511  
    Forum Freshman kimboley's Avatar
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    Do you know why single women can't FART?




    .

    .
    Because they don't get ass holes till they are married.

    (this is the only one liner I know, roles could be reversed, depending on what sex you are) lol
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  12. #2512  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She
    promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.

    Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.


    The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

    "Why, yes, I do," he replied.

    "What does it smell like?"

    "Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine
    tree."
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  13. #2513  
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    A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes
    later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the
    seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor,
    crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and
    immediately falls asleep.

    After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air
    sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
    bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him,
    and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to
    decide what to do.

    Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of
    nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer
    and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

    About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the
    vomit all over him.

    "So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"
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    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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    scheherazade, Bad Robot and babe like this.
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    Northern Horse Whisperer Moderator scheherazade's Avatar
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    This one is for babe and wegs due to their recent frustrations with computers.

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  24. #2524  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scheherazade View Post
    Don't get it.
    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  25. #2525  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Okay, having read through this thread I have a couple of questions: if we inherit morality from our parents do I
    A) have to wait until they're both dead to get my share, and
    B) have to pay tax on it when I do?
    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  26. #2526  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    Okay, having read through this thread I have a couple of questions: if we inherit morality from our parents do I
    A) have to wait until they're both dead to get my share, and
    B) have to pay tax on it when I do?
    Both!!

    AND you have to take me out to dinner to a 5 star restaurant!

    Sucks, doesn't it!
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    Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

    Sarah Palin: ''The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!''

    Barack Obama: ''Let me be perfectly clear: if the chickens like their eggs, they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.''

    John McCain: ''My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.''

    Hillary Clinton: ''What difference, at this point, does it make why the chicken crossed the road?''

    George W. Bush: ''We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. Heh, heh! We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.''

    Dick Cheney: ''Where's my gun?''

    Colin Powell: ''Now, to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.''

    Bill Clinton: ''I did not cross the road with that chicken.''

    Al Gore: ''I invented the chicken.''

    John Kerry: ''Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.''

    Al Sharpton: ''Why are all the chickens white?''

    Dr. Phil: ''The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before he goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.''

    Oprah: ''Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.''

    Anderson Cooper: ''We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.''

    Nancy Grace: ''That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.''

    Pat Buchanan: ''To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.''

    Martha Stewart: ''No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.''

    Dr. Seuss: ''Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.''

    Ernest Hemingway: ''To die in the rain, alone.''

    Grandpa: ''In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.''

    Barbara Walters: ''Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.''

    Aristotle: ''It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.''

    John Lennon: ''Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.''

    Bill Gates: ''I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.''

    Albert Einstein: ''Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?''

    Colonel Sanders: ''Did I miss one?''
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  29. #2529  
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
    I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
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  30. #2530  
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    AND you have to take me out to dinner to a 5 star restaurant!
    Sucks, doesn't it!
    Sounds about right.
    I can't afford to patronise a restaurant classy enough to have a roof.
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  31. #2531  
    Northern Horse Whisperer Moderator scheherazade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    AND you have to take me out to dinner to a 5 star restaurant!
    Sucks, doesn't it!
    Sounds about right.
    I can't afford to patronise a restaurant classy enough to have a roof.
    Only five stars? That's just a small hole in the roof.
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  32. #2532  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scheherazade View Post
    Only five stars? That's just a small hole in the roof.
    Only 5 visible at a time.
    You have to wear blinkers so you can't see how ugly the other customers are.
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    The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?" The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
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    A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
    dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
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  36. #2536  
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    This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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  37. #2537  
    Northern Horse Whisperer Moderator scheherazade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by scheherazade View Post
    Don't get it.
    What's to explain?
    The only way to get a man to go shopping 'willingly', ( and I use that word reservedly) is to hold him to ransom.
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  38. #2538  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scheherazade View Post
    What's to explain?
    The only way to get a man to go shopping 'willingly', ( and I use that word reservedly) is to hold him to ransom.
    Er,... yeah.
    I have no idea what NidoKidoS is? Why would I want to go shopping?
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  39. #2539  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    AND you have to take me out to dinner to a 5 star restaurant!
    Sucks, doesn't it!
    Sounds about right.
    I can't afford to patronise a restaurant classy enough to have a roof.

    awwww then I'd cook....maybe some DUCK L'ORANGE???????
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  40. #2540  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    awwww then I'd cook....maybe some DUCK L'ORANGE???????
    Oranges are an evil fruit. I detest them.
    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  41. #2541  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    awwww then I'd cook....maybe some DUCK L'ORANGE???????
    Oranges are an evil fruit. I detest them.
    I love them!! You shall be.....um......QUITE TASTY!!!
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  45. #2545 Life with kids.. 
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  58. #2558  
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    A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."
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  59. #2559  
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    Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."
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  60. #2560  
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    A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?"

    The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl!"

    "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
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  61. #2561  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope cosmictraveler's Avatar
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    When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.
    Jimi Hendrix
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  62. #2562  
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  72. #2572  
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    Christmas Joke,

    I little boy got a new bike for Christmas. He was riding his bike and came up to a stop sign. There was a cop on a horse there. The cop looked down at the boy and said, "Wow, that's a cool bike, did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?"

    The boy smiling from ear to ear, said, "yes, yes he did"

    The cop got down off his horse and got out his ticket book and told the boy, "Well next year, you tell Santa that the bike needs a reflector, it needs a horn, registration, needs a light." And he wrote the boy a big ticket.

    The cop gets back on the horse and the little boy says to the cop, "Hey, did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?"

    The cop laughs and says, "Yes he did!"

    The little boy says, "Well next year, you tell Santa to PUT THE DICK UNDERNEATH THE HORSE!"
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    The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it. Albert Einstein
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  73. #2573  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Don't be silly: that's two DIFFERENT people in an identity line-up.
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    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  74. #2574  
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    A cop pulls a man over for speeding.
    Driver says, "Hello officer, why did you pull me over?"
    Cop says, "You were going 102 MPH, Let me see your drivers license."
    Driver says, "Well, I don't have a license, it has been suspended."
    Cop says, "Is this your car?"
    Driver says, "No sir, this is not my car"
    Cop says, "Who does it belong to, do you have the registration?"
    Driver says, "I'm not sure who it belongs to, I did see registration in the glove box next to the gun"
    Cop tells the guy to get out of the car and calls for backup.
    Cop asks, "Who does the gun belong to?
    Driver says, "Hell, I don't know, why don't you ask the guy in the trunk!"
    Back up arrives and the cop tells his sergeant, "This guy has a suspended license, it's not his car, there is a gun in the glove box and a man in the trunk"
    After some investigating of the license, glove box, trunk, the sergeant is very confused.
    The driver's license is not suspended. No gun in glove box, car is his, no man in trunk.
    Sargent says, What is going on?"
    Driver says, "I suppose that lying cop said I was going 102 MPH too?"
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    The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it. Albert Einstein
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  75. #2575  
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    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofabed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
    Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. I told her "It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
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    The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it. Albert Einstein
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  76. #2576  
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  82. #2582  
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  84. #2584  
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    Zade!! I hope ya still love me!!!!



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  85. #2585  
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    A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
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  86. #2586  
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    A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her vagina... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"
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    Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
    The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
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  88. #2588  
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    It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. This girl has guts. An
    award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being
    smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger
    who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had
    to...deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

    A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking
    a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

    Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
    ticket on the counter and said, "I Have to be on this flight and it has to
    be First Class."

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
    I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work
    something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
    behind him could hear, "Do You Have Any Idea Who I Am?"

    Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
    microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard
    clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 Who
    Does Not Know Who He Is. If anyone can help him with his identity, please
    come to Gate 14."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
    the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "Fuck You!"

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get
    in line for that, too."

    Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
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  89. #2589  
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    Halfway across the Atlantic, an airliner experiences an engine loss. The
    plane is unable to maintain altitude on the one remaining engine, even after
    jettisoning all the luggage and cargo. The captain announces that to
    lighten the plane even more, some passengers will also have to be
    jettisoned. He announces that the selection will be alphabetical, and
    proceeds to call out, "All the African-Americans please stand up."

    No one stands up.

    He then calls out, "All right, all the Blacks please stand up."

    No one stands up.

    He then calls out, "OK, all the Colored people please stand up."

    No one stands up.

    A small black boy in the back asks his father, "Dad, aren't we considered
    Colored people?"

    His dad replies, "Not today, son. Today we is Niggers, and we come after
    them Mexicans."
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  90. #2590  
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    An airplane was about to crash; there were 5
    passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

    The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best
    NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't
    afford to die." So he took the first pack and left
    the plane.

    The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the
    wife of the former U.S President, a Senator from New
    York, and a potential future president. And I am the
    smartest woman in American history, so America's
    people don't want me to die." She took the second
    pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I am not going
    to jump. or at least I don't think I will Jump. I am
    Americas smartest man, a Yale graduate, Vietnam vet
    and the next U.S. President. America needs my
    leadership.! " He then pondered the situation for a
    minute, grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

    The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said
    to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I
    have lived a full life, and served my country well, I
    will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
    parachute."

    The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left
    for you. America's smartest man took my school bag"
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  91. #2591  
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    The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash
    over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. "Oh, this
    is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you
    here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we
    weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you
    in and we can't send you back..." Then he got an idea. He picked up the
    phone, "Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here.
    They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up
    for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few
    of days. What d'ya say?" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days
    later... St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come
    get these guys. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is
    saving everybody, and that Roberts has raised enough money to buy air
    conditioning."
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  92. #2592  
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    Alabama License Application

    Last name: _________________
    First name:
    (Check appropriate box)
    [_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
    [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
    [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
    [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
    [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
    [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

    Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

    Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

    Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

    Occupation:
    [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
    [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
    [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

    Spouse's Name_________________________
    2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
    3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

    Lover's Name: ________________________
    2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

    Relationship to spouse:
    [_] Sister [_] Aunt
    [_] Brother [_] Uncle
    [_] Mother [_] Son
    [_] Father [_] Daughter
    [_] Cousin [_] Pet

    Number of children living in household: _____
    Number of children living in shed: _____
    Number that are yours: _____

    Mother's Name: ___________________
    Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave
    blank)

    Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

    Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
    ___ Total number of vehicles that you own
    ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
    ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
    ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
    ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

    Where your firearms are kept:
    [_] truck [_] kitchen
    [_] bedroom [_] bathroom
    [_] shed

    Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

    Do you have a gun rack?
    [_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
    _____________________

    Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    [_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
    [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
    [_] Rifle and Shotgun

    ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

    How often do you bathe:
    [_] Weekly
    [_] Monthly
    [_] Not applicable

    Color of teeth:
    [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
    [_] Brown [_] Black
    [_] N/A
    How many?_____

    Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

    How far is your home from a paved road?
    [_] 200-400 miles
    [_] over 400 miles
    [_] what's a miles?
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  93. #2593  
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    After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
    that was enough, since they could not afford a larger bed.
    So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told
    him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any
    more children.
    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
    vasectomy that could fix the problem but it was
    expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor,
    was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in
    Alabama), light it, put it in an empty beercan, then
    hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
    The Alabamian said to the doctor,
    "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't
    see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
    my ear is going to help me."
    So he wanted a second opinion, and he visited a doctor in
    Georgia. That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but
    seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go
    home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in an empty beer
    can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
    Since the second doctor told him to do exactly the same
    thing as the first doctor, the Alabamian figured the
    procedure MUST work.
    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
    beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
    "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
    at which point he paused, placed the beer can between
    his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...
    This procedure also works in Tennessee,
    Mississippi, Kentucky,West Virginia, and Arkansas.
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