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Thread: Jokes

  1. #101  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    How true!

    Never Satisfied

    A group of girlfriends are on vacation when
    they see a five-story hotel with a sign that
    reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without
    their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to
    go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
    to them how it works.

    "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor,
    and once you find what you are looking for, you
    can stay there. It's easy to decide since each
    floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

    They start going up, and on the first floor
    the sign reads, "All the men here have it short
    and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation
    move on to the next floor.

    The sign on the second floor reads, "All the
    men here have it long and thin." Still, this
    isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
    up.

    They reach the third floor, where the sign
    reads, "All the men here have it short and thick."
    They still want to do better, and so, knowing
    there are still two floors left, they continued
    up.

    On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All
    the men here have it long and thick." The women
    get all excited and are going in when they realize
    that there is still one floor left. Wondering
    what they are missing, they head on up to the
    fifth floor.

    On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads,
    "There are no men here. This floor was built
    only to prove that there is no way to please
    a woman."
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  2. #102  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by PhDemon View Post
    I think she's referring to post #99. Your cartoon has a Schroedingers cat like existence, sometimes it's there sometimes it's not.

    Here is a link to the cartoon:
    http://images1.fanpop.com/images/pho...97-715-498.jpg
    That opened for me!! HILARIOUS!!!! Thanks you!
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  3. #103  
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    Career Dreams

    A father is asked by his friend, "Has your
    son decided what he wants to be when he grows
    up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,"
    replied the boy's father.

    His friend thought for a moment and responded,
    "That's a rather strange ambition to have for
    a career."

    "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that
    garbage collectors only only work on Tuesdays!"
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  4. #104  
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    Joe Misses Out Or Scoreless Joe

    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What
    would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
    "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled
    over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.
    She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won
    a prize.

    Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When
    the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she
    would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she
    said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since
    they had been there before, he guessed her correct
    weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again
    he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed,"
    she responded. By this time, Joe figured she
    was really weird and took her home early, dropping
    her off with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind
    date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura,
    it was wousy."
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  5. #105  
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    Now I know what my problem is.

    Signs That You are Burnt Out

    You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."


    Your friends call to ask how you've been,
    and you immediately scream, "Get off my back,
    jerk!"

    Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

    You wake up to discover your bed is on fire,
    but go back to sleep because you just don't care.


    You have so much on your mind, you often forget
    how to think.

    Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make
    it through ...er.... Monday.

    You sleep more at work than at home.

    You leave for a party and instinctively take
    your ID badge.

    Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

    You think about how relaxing it would be if
    you were in jail right now.



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  6. #106  
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    If Ever You're Choking...

    A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town
    in the South. She orders some chicken and starts
    to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke
    on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country
    boys in the next booth, notice she is choking.
    So they get up and go over to help her. Buford
    drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck
    starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches
    these two go at it and is so grossed out that
    she launches forward and throws up all over the
    place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
    Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to
    Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver
    works like a charm."
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  7. #107  
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    A Lesson Learned

    Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby
    suburban girl's junior college. During class
    one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison,
    would you please name the organ of the human
    body, which under the appropriate conditions,
    expands to six times its normal size, and define
    the conditions."

    Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch,
    I don't think that is a proper question to ask
    me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.
    "With that she sat down red-faced.

    Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked
    the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure,
    replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."


    "Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss
    Simison, I have three things to say to you. One,
    you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have
    a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be
    faced with a dreadful disappointment."
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  8. #108  
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    The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says,
    "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church?"
    "No," said the priest.
    Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the city?"
    "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church," says the priest.
    Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest. Once again, Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the state?"
    "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church!" exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The dwarfs continue their interference.
    Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country?"
    The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world! Now sit down!!" Soon afterwards, a chant could be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."
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  9. #109  
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    This cartoon summarizes the threads that have been made on the SF lately:

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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  10. #110  
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    A farmer had 5 female pigs and times were getting tough, so he went to the country fair to sell his pigs. At the fair, he came across a farmer who had 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The two farmers lived 60 miles away from each other so they agreed to each drive 30 miles, and find a field to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had left, and drove the 30 miles.
    While the pigs were going at it, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?"
    The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not.
    The next morning they were rolling in the mud so he hosed them down, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!
    This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife and and said, "Honey, look outside the and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." Neither one," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is beeping the horn."
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  11. #111  
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    The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist - were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
    The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
    The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
    The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
    The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:
    "DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE VASELINE!"
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  12. #112  
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    Little Pianist

    A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist.
    He walks up to the man and says, "That's amazing how did you get that."
    The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish.
    So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish.
    So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." The genie says, "
    OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."

    So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads.
    He goes back in and tells the man what happened and the man says, "I know,
    do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist."
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  13. #113  
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    This is a true post from another place I chat....names are changed


    I have been laughing for at least 10 minutes....

    [Quote] ******- replying to ***** [Quote] -- 10:08pm -- Sat, Aug 31, 13 PST is it true that if a woman squirts, does it mean she is unclean?

    No, it means she got a garden hose for Christmas...............[Unquote
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  14. #114  
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    A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their
    honeymoon. " Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asks.
    "Shh" said the bride. "all the neighbors will know what were about to do.
    These walls are paper thin. In the future we will have to ask each other in
    code. For example, how about asking if you left the washing machine door
    open.
    So the following night the husband asks, " I don't suppose you left the
    washing machine door open, did you?"
    "No I definitely shut it" replied the wife who then rolled over and fell
    asleep.
    When she woke up she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her
    husband and said," I think I did leave the washing machine on after all.
    Would you like to do some washing?"
    "No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand.
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  15. #115  
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    Quote Originally Posted by bad robot View Post
    a newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their
    honeymoon. " care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asks.
    "shh" said the bride. "all the neighbors will know what were about to do.
    These walls are paper thin. In the future we will have to ask each other in
    code. For example, how about asking if you left the washing machine door
    open.
    So the following night the husband asks, " i don't suppose you left the
    washing machine door open, did you?"
    "no i definitely shut it" replied the wife who then rolled over and fell
    asleep.
    When she woke up she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her
    husband and said," i think i did leave the washing machine on after all.
    Would you like to do some washing?"
    "no thanks" said the husband. "it was only a small load so i did it by hand.

    ahahahahahahahahaa
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  16. #116  
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    Some of these are good.


    Great Sayings by Women

    The hardest years in life are those between
    ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)

    I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I
    think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber

    Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every
    time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my
    breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
    -Jan King

    Things are going to get a lot worse before
    they get worse. -Lily Tomlin

    A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic
    who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow

    Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette
    Davis

    A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A
    woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome

    Every time I close the door on reality it comes
    in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited

    Whatever women must do they must do twice as
    well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily,
    this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton

    Thirty-five is when you finally get your head
    together and your body starts falling apart.
    -Caryn Leschen

    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes
    several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited

    If you can't be a good example, then you'll
    just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine
    Aird

    When I was young, I was put in a school for
    retarded kids for two years before they realized
    I actually had a hearing loss...and they called
    ME slow! -Kathy Buckley

    Behind every successful woman...is a substantial
    amount of coffee. -Stephanie Piro
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  17. #117  
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    If I had to guess, this sounds true.

    Facts of female life

    The differences between your 1st, 2nd and 3rd
    babies.

    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes
    as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for
    as long as possible.

    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
    clothes.

    Preparing for the Birth

    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

    2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because
    you remember that last time, breathing didn't
    do a thing.

    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th
    month.







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  18. #118  
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    Eye of Gratitude

    In the prime of her career, a world famous
    painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful
    that she might lose her life as a painter, she
    went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

    After several weeks of delicate surgery and
    therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter
    was so grateful that she decided to show her
    gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
    Part of her work included painting a gigantic
    eye on one wall.

    When she had finished her work, she held a
    press conference to unveil her latest work of
    art -- the doctor's office.

    During the press conference, one reporter
    noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,
    "What was your first reaction upon seeing your
    newly painted office, especially that large eye
    on the wall?"

    The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself,
    'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'
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  19. #119  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    If I had to guess, this sounds true.

    Facts of female life

    The differences between your 1st, 2nd and 3rd
    babies.

    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes
    as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for
    as long as possible.

    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
    clothes.

    Preparing for the Birth

    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

    2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because
    you remember that last time, breathing didn't
    do a thing.

    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th
    month.







    1st baby, you can't afford them, so you wear your others till you have to get maternity clothes

    2nd baby, you look 3 months at 6 weeks...you pull out your OLD maternity clothing

    3rd baby......you remember what your forgot doing a natural delivery of 1st and 2nd baby! *L*


    *laughing* good one!
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  20. #120  
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    The Top Ten Times in History When Using the "F" Word was Appropriate
    10. "What the fuck was that?"
    -- The Mayor of Hiroshima
    9. "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
    -- General Custer
    8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
    -- Albert Einstein
    7. "It does SO fucking look like her!"
    -- Pablo Picasso
    6. "How the fuck did you work that out?"
    -- Pythagorus
    5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
    -- Michaelangelo
    4. "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."
    -- Joan of Arc
    3. "Scattered fucking showers...my ass!"
    -- Noah
    2. "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"
    -- JFK
    1. 1. "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"
    -- Bill Clinton
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  21. #121  
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    Taking the Edge Off

    A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
    "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast?
    Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines.
    "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
    off my appetite."

    At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl
    of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
    she inquires.

    He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
    off my appetite."

    Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
    She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like
    maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved
    or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes."

    He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
    off my appetite."

    "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"
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  22. #122  
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    Quality of Life

    An American businessman was at the pier of
    a small coastal Mexican village when a small
    boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
    small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.
    The American complimented the Mexican on the
    quality of his fish and asked how long it took
    to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little
    while, Senor."

    The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay
    out longer and catch more fish?"

    The Mexican said he had enough to support his
    family's immediate needs.

    The American then asked, "But what do you do
    with the rest of your time?"

    The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late,
    fish a little, play with my children, take siesta
    with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village
    each evening where I sip wine and play guitar
    with my amigos. I have a full and busy life,
    Senor."

    The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and
    could help you. You should spend more time fishing
    and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with
    the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy
    several boats, eventually you would have a fleet
    of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch
    to a middleman you would sell directly to the
    processor, eventually opening your own cannery.
    You would control the product, processing and
    distribution. You would need to leave this small
    coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City,
    then LA and eventually NYC where you will run
    your expanding enterprise."

    The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how
    long will this all take?"

    To which the American replied, "15-20 years."


    "But what then, Senor?"

    The American laughed and said, "That's the
    best part. When the time is right you would announce
    an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
    and become very rich, you would make millions."


    "Millions, Senor? Then what?"

    The American said, "Then you would retire.
    Move to a small coastal fishing village where
    you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
    your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll
    to the village in the evenings where you could
    sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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  23. #123  
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    Ascended, Bad Robot, babe and 1 others like this.
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  24. #124  
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    I was at my late Mother In Law's yesterday, finally, getting in to start cleaning out closets of her clothing.

    The phone rings.

    Man asks, "Is I**** there?"

    "No." I replied.

    "Can you tell me when it is a good time to call her?", he requests.

    "That would be difficult," I replied, "as she is dead."

    DEAD SILENCE then....

    "Oh I am so sorry for your loss. We'll take her off our list."

    Damn....with me around, who needs donotcall.gov?
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  25. #125  
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    A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he
    felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they
    run?" he asked the clerk.

    "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to
    $2,000."

    "Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

    The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just
    stick this button in your ear and run this little string
    down to your pocket," he instructed.

    "How does it work?" the customer asked.

    "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But
    when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
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  26. #126  
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    Some of these really hit the spot.

    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully
    in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
    do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and"Keep away from children"
    --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
    for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

    4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
    like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

    5)"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
    job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
    end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

    6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
    enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

    7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
    infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
    considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

    8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
    them?" --Marilyn Pittman

    9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
    treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
    should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
    before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

    10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
    the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
    teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

    11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
    skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
    --Conan O'Brien

    12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
    my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
    learner." --Lynda Montgomery

    13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
    York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
    cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

    14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
    would be dead." --Johnny Carson

    15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."--Paul Rodriguez

    16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
    that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

    17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
    you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
    What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren
    Hutcherson

    18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
    --Oscar Wilde

    19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of
    Congress . . . . But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

    20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
    least they can find Afghanistan!" --A. Whitney Brown

    21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
    man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

    22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
    the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

    23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

    24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
    look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
    that!'" --Dave Barry

    25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
    taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased.
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  27. #127  
    ▼▼ dn ʎɐʍ sıɥʇ ▼▼ RedPanda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully
    in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
    That was Bob Monkhouse.
    When he was good, he was very good.

    "They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!"

    But mostly, he was very smarmy.
    Bad Robot likes this.
    SayBigWords.com/say/3FC

    "And, behold, I come quickly;" Revelation 22:12

    "Religions are like sausages. When you know how they are made, you no longer want them."
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  28. #128  
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    Money to a Bum

    A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.
    "I feel really good today. I started out this
    morning with an act of unselfish generosity.
    I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

    "You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's
    a lot of money to just give away. What did your
    husband say about it?"

    "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to
    do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
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  29. #129  
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    Walking Economy

    A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
    He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."


    His friend replies, "How's that?"

    "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession,
    my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the
    combination of these factors is putting me into
    a deep depression."
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  30. #130  
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    What do you do with 365 used rubbers? Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around. What's the ultimate rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
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  31. #131  
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    Working with Buddy

    An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch
    in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer
    came to help with his big strong horse named
    Buddy.

    He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,
    "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

    Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
    Buddy didn't respond.

    Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco,
    pull!" Nothing.

    Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy,
    pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out
    of the ditch.

    The motorist was most appreciative and very
    curious. He asked the farmer why he called his
    horse by the wrong name three times.

    "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he
    was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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  32. #132  
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    A Lesson Learned

    Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby
    suburban girl's junior college. During class
    one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison,
    would you please name the organ of the human
    body, which under the appropriate conditions,
    expands to six times its normal size, and define
    the conditions."

    Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch,
    I don't think that is a proper question to ask
    me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.
    "With that she sat down red-faced.

    Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked
    the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure,
    replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."


    "Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss
    Simison, I have three things to say to you. One,
    you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have
    a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be
    faced with a dreadful disappointment."
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  33. #133  
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    Little Tommy Turtle

    A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree.
    After long hours of great effort, he reaches
    the top, jumps into the air waving his front
    legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into
    the ground. After recovering consciousness he
    starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more,
    but again crashes to the ground.

    The little turtle does this again and again,
    while all the time his heroic efforts are being
    watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched
    on a nearby branch.

    Finally, the female bird says to the male bird,
    "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy
    he is adopted?"
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  34. #134  
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    Teachers pet - monster

    Discovering one of her students making faces
    at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped
    to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the
    teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I
    was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like
    that."

    Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well
    you can't say you weren't warned
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  35. #135  
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    Johnny and the old man

    Little Johnny was walking down the road one
    day and an old man was sitting on his front porch
    rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.


    The old man said, 'Whatcha got there, son?'


    Johnny said, 'Got me some chicken wire.'

    'Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son?'
    asked the old man.

    'Gonna catch me some chickens,' said Johnny.


    'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire,'
    said the oldster.

    Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked
    on down the street.

    About half an hour later, Johnny came back
    passing the old man's front porch with three
    chickens entangled in the chicken wire. The old
    man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.


    A little later Johnny passed the old man's
    porch. 'Whatcha got now, son?'

    'Got me some duct tape.'

    'And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?'
    the old man asked.

    'Gonna catch me some ducks.'

    'You can't catch ducks with duct tape,' said
    the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders
    and kept on walking.

    About half an hour later, back comes Johnny
    with three ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again,
    the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

    Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing
    the old man's porch.

    'Whatcha got now, son?' asked the old codger.


    'Got me some pussy willow.'

    The old man said, 'Wait right there while I
    get my shoes!'
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  36. #136  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Johnny and the old man

    Little Johnny was walking down the road one
    day and an old man was sitting on his front porch
    rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.


    The old man said, 'Whatcha got there, son?'


    Johnny said, 'Got me some chicken wire.'

    'Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son?'
    asked the old man.

    'Gonna catch me some chickens,' said Johnny.


    'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire,'
    said the oldster.

    Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked
    on down the street.

    About half an hour later, Johnny came back
    passing the old man's front porch with three
    chickens entangled in the chicken wire. The old
    man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.


    A little later Johnny passed the old man's
    porch. 'Whatcha got now, son?'

    'Got me some duct tape.'

    'And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?'
    the old man asked.

    'Gonna catch me some ducks.'

    'You can't catch ducks with duct tape,' said
    the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders
    and kept on walking.

    About half an hour later, back comes Johnny
    with three ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again,
    the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

    Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing
    the old man's porch.

    'Whatcha got now, son?' asked the old codger.


    'Got me some pussy willow.'

    The old man said, 'Wait right there while I
    get my shoes!'
    ahahahahahahaa
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  37. #137  
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    Special Coffeecake

    An overweight business associate of mine decided
    it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took
    his new diet seriously, even changing his driving
    route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning,
    however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic
    coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile
    remained cherubic.

    "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained.
    "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning
    and there in the window was a host of goodies.
    I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord,
    if you want me to have one of those delicious
    coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly
    in front of the bakery', and sure enough," he
    continued, "the eighth time around the block,
    there it was!"
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  38. #138  
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    Fallen seeks something to raise

    Two prostitutes were riding around town with
    a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES
    -- $50.00."

    A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them
    and told them they'd either have to remove the
    sign or go to jail.

    Just at that time, another car passed with
    a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

    One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you
    don't stop them?!"

    "Well, that's a little different," the cop
    smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

    So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
    took their sign down and drove off.

    The following day found the same cop in the
    area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
    with a large sign on their car again.

    Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
    catch up with them when he noticed the new sign
    which now read:

    "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."
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  39. #139  
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    Dorrigo Three Kick Rule

    A big city California lawyer went duck hunting
    in rural New South Wales. He shot and dropped
    a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on
    the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
    farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him
    what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
    shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
    I'm going into retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied. "This is my property,
    and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the
    best trial attorneys in the States and, if you
    don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
    take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently,
    you don't know how we do things up here in the
    Northern Rivers. We settle small disagreements
    like this with the Dorrigo Three Kick Rule."


    The lawyer asked, "What is the Dorrigo Three
    Kick Rule?"

    The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you
    three times and then you kick me three times,
    and so on, back and forth, until someone gives
    up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
    contest and decided that he could easily take
    the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
    custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from
    the tractor and walked up to the city feller.


    His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
    work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped
    him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped
    the man's nose off his face. The barrister was
    flat on his belly then the farmer's third kick
    to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and
    managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you
    old coot - now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give
    up. You can have the duck."
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  40. #140  
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    Pigeon at first sight

    For decades, two heroic statues, one male and
    one female, faced each other in a city park,
    until one day an angel came down from heaven.


    "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced
    to them, "That I'm going to give you a special
    gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for
    thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything
    you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel
    brought the statues to life.

    The two approached each other a bit shyly,
    but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly
    emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and
    shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the
    two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins
    on their faces.

    "You still have fifteen more minutes," said
    the angel, winking knowingly.

    Grinning even more widely, the female statue
    turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only
    this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll
    crap on its head."
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  41. #141  
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    Senior Personal Ads

    FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
    80's, slim,5'4" used to be 5-6), searching for
    sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white
    shoes and belt a plus.

    LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
    fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a
    six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath
    not a problem.

    SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises,
    the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent
    type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and
    enjoy quiet times.

    WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
    seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on
    the cob and caramel candy.

    BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
    cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to
    play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a
    groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
    eight-track tapes.

    MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
    If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put
    our two heads together.

    MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition,
    some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea,
    valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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  42. #142  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Fallen seeks something to raise

    Two prostitutes were riding around town with
    a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES
    -- $50.00."

    A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them
    and told them they'd either have to remove the
    sign or go to jail.

    Just at that time, another car passed with
    a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

    One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you
    don't stop them?!"

    "Well, that's a little different," the cop
    smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

    So the two ladies of the night frowned as they
    took their sign down and drove off.

    The following day found the same cop in the
    area when he noticed the two ladies driving around
    with a large sign on their car again.

    Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to
    catch up with them when he noticed the new sign
    which now read:

    "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."
    ahahaha

    I think I am in love! *L*
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  43. #143  
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    "I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike."

    Willie Nelson


    "Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes, that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city five feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius."

    Larry the Cable Guy
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  44. #144  
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    Heavenly Justice

    Once, there was a preacher who was an avid
    golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be
    on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
    One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing.
    The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and
    the temperature was just right.

    The preacher was in a quandary as to what to
    do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame
    him. He called an assistant to tell him that
    he was sick and could not do church, packed the
    car up, and drove three hours to a golf course
    where no one would recognize him. Happily, he
    began to play the course.

    An angel up above was watching the preacher
    and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said,
    "Look at the preacher. He should be punished
    for what he is doing."

    God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed
    up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and
    it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed
    right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect
    hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

    The angel was a little shocked. He turned to
    God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought
    you were going to punish him."

    God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"
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  45. #145  
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    Getting into heaven

    You Can't Fool The Kids In Sunday School!

    You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they
    are way too smart...

    "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
    sale, and gave all my money to the church, would
    I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my
    Sunday school class.

    "NO!" all the children answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the
    yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would
    I get into heaven?"

    Again the answer was, "NO!"

    "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to
    heaven?"

    A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be
    dead!"
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  46. #146  
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    ME First!!

    A sales rep, an administration clerk and the
    manager are walking to lunch when they find an
    antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
    out in a puff of smoke.

    The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
    wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
    "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
    without a care in the world." Poof!

    She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!"
    says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
    relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
    an endless supply of pina coladas and the love
    of my life." Poof! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, "I want those two back in the
    office after lunch."

    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have
    the first say.
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  47. #147  
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    Top 10 reasons why trick or treating is better
    than sex:

    10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little
    something in the sack.

    9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes
    and go at it again.

    8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to
    get some.

    7. You don't have to compliment the person
    who gives it to you.

    6. It's OK if the person you're with fantasizes
    that you are someone else, because well ... you
    are.

    5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy
    candy.

    4. If you don't like what you get, you can
    always go next door.

    3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear ya moaning
    and groaning.

    2. Less guilt the morning after.

    1. And the No. 1 reason why trick or treating
    is better than sex is............. YOU CAN DO
    THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!
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  48. #148  
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    Anti-men Jokes (Ladies Enjoy)

    My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly
    and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
    He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
    I squirted it all over the doorknobs.He couldn't
    get back in.


    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
    going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
    The woman says, "I'll miss you."


    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack
    says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey,
    what do you think the neighbours would think
    if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that
    I married you for your money," she replied.

    He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've
    wanted to make love to you really badly. She
    said - Well, you succeeded.


    He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
    She said -That's a good idea...you stand by the
    ironing board while I sit on the sofa and watch
    TV.


    He said - What have you been doing with all the
    grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways
    and look in the mirror.


    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
    sensitive man?
    A: A rumor
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  50. #150  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Anti-men Jokes (Ladies Enjoy)
    Hmm.
    What's the difference between men and government bonds?
    Government bonds mature...
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    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  51. #151  
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    About a dozen messing with Sasquatch commercials, some you haven't seen yet. (very funny)

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  52. #152  
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    that is HILARIOUS, robot! ^^^
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  53. #153  
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  55. #155  
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    Physics worms:
    babe likes this.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  56. #156  
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  58. #158  
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    AHHH To Be 6 Again

    A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
    birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
    On the morning of her birthday, he got her up
    bright and early and off they went to a local
    theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride
    in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
    the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!


    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
    park, her head reeling and her stomach upside
    down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where
    her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
    fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
    it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic,
    a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous
    adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
    collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly
    asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
    again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my
    dress size."

    The moral of this story: Even when the man
    is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
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  59. #159  
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    TV Healing

    Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
    evangelical show and the preacher said, if the
    viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one
    hand on the television set and the other hand
    on the body part where they wanted to be healed.


    Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television
    set, placed her righthand on the set and her
    left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
    causing her to have great pain.

    Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed
    his right hand on the set and his left hand on
    his crotch.

    Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you
    just don't get it. The purpose of doing this
    is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
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  60. #160  
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    It hurts

    A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down
    a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on
    the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf
    balls, next to a little old lady.

    The little old lady kept looking quizzically
    at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after
    many such glances from her he said, "It's golf
    balls."

    The little old lady continued to look at him
    thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt
    as much as tennis elbow?"
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  61. #161  
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    This is not a joke, but it was pretty funny, well to me!

    Ok......true story...........

    Flying back from Hawai'i to Northern Cali, and I am in my seat awaiting who will be my "seat partner" on the flight.

    Waiting and finally this 6'3, GORGEOUS about 60 years old Greek man, walks up and smiles and says......"I believe I am your companion on the flight."

    I think I died and went to "heaven".

    He strikes up a conversation with me and we talk and laugh and have our dinner, and I look at him and tell him I have taken my "flying pill" and had my champagne and I will probably fall asleep and hope he isn't offended.

    Well, I fall asleep.

    I wake up......laying ON this man's chest, and he has his arm around me!

    I apologize still sleepy, and he proceeds to look down at me, and says, "You're fine, just go back to sleep."

    I did.

    My husband said, "ONLY YOU.......babe.....only you."
    he said...'you're fine, just go back to sleep?'' that's weird. i'm sorry, that's a weird thing to say to a stranger.
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  62. #162  
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  63. #163  
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    Surrogate Father

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children,
    and decided to use a surrogate father to start
    their family. On the day the proxy father was
    to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said,
    "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
    baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to
    make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...."
    "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting
    you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer
    asked. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty of
    babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped.
    Please come in and have a seat." After a moment
    she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
    the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple
    on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
    fun too; you can really spread out!"

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
    work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of
    us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
    we try several different positions and I shoot
    from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
    pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his
    time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
    but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."


    "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.


    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
    out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
    done on the top of a bus in downtown London."


    "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging
    at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned
    out exceptionally well-when you consider their
    mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take
    her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.?
    People were crowding around four and five deep,
    pushing to get a good look."

    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes
    widened in amazement.

    "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more
    than three hours, too. The mother was constantly
    squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.
    Then darkness approached and I began to rush
    my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels began
    nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all
    in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they
    actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

    "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready,
    I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."


    "Tripod??"

    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my
    Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very
    long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
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  65. #165  
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    Morals are good - Aren't they?

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
    Get their parents to tell them a story with a
    moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
    came back and one by one began to tell their
    stories.

    Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have
    a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking
    our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
    of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road
    and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
    a mess."

    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked
    the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"


    "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens
    for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one
    time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
    chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't
    count your chickens until they hatch."

    "That was a fine story Lucy." "Johnny, do you
    have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about
    my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer
    in Desert Storm; her plane got hit. She had to
    bail out over enemy territory and all she had
    was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun; a machete.
    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
    break; then she landed right in the middle of
    100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
    with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets,
    then she killed twenty more with the machete
    till the blade broke; then she killed the last
    ten with her bare hands.

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
    "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from
    that horrible story?"

    "Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been
    drinking!"
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  66. #166  
    Forum Cosmic Wizard Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post

    Do Microorganisms have Microorganisms?

    Microception.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  67. #167  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post

    Do Microorganisms have Micro Orgasms?

    Microception.
    Fixed that for you, but I am laughing. Sorry I thought you made a typo.
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  68. #168  
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    As if coughing wasn't bad enough.

    The Cough Cure

    Outside a pharmacy, in a busy street, a poor
    man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not
    breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle.
    He was just standing there, frozen.

    The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in
    front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and
    asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't
    he in here earlier?"

    Assistant repies, "Yes he was. He had a terrible
    cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to
    help."

    Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."


    Assistant says, "Sure he does. I gave him a
    box of our strongest laxatives on the market.
    Now he won't dare cough."
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  69. #169  
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    Silly Blonde Joke

    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
    state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead,
    ask me, I know all of them!"

    Her friend said, "O.K., what's the capital
    of Wisconsin?"

    The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! W."
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  70. #170  
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    Holding a Grudge

    A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich
    man to the people mentioned in the will:

    "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by
    me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her
    the house and $2 million."

    The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica,
    who looked after me in sickness and kept the
    business going, I leave her the yacht, the business
    and $1 million."

    The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan,
    who hated me, argued with me, and thought that
    I would never mention him in my will - well you
    are wrong.

    Hi Dan!"
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  71. #171  
    Forum Cosmic Wizard Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post

    Do Microorganisms have Micro Orgasms?

    Microception.
    Fixed that for you, but I am laughing. Sorry I thought you made a typo.

    I have just demonstrated that I have an innocent mind.
    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  72. #172  
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    If you need a hug watch this.

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  73. #173  
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    A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

    One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

    He put on his shoes and drove home.

    "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

    "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

    "You lying *******!

    You've been playing golf!"

    ************************************************** ************************************************** **
    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

    The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

    The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

    He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

    He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
    ************************************************** ************************************************** **
    A mortician was working late one night.

    He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

    "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

    So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

    "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

    "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
    ************************************************** ************************************************** *
    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

    "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

    She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

    "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

    "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

    "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

    No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

    Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

    "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
    ************************************************** ************************************************** *
    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

    "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

    "One Cent?" the man thought.

    He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

    "A nickel," the barman replied.

    "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

    The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

    The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

    The bartender replied,

    "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
    ************************************************** ************************************************** *
    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

    He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

    "There's no need to," his wife replied.

    "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

    "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
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  74. #174  
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    babe and prometheus 2 like this.
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  75. #175  
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    Redneck Wedding Cake.

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  76. #176  
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    Does this really happen?

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  77. #177  
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    Quote Originally Posted by wegs View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    This is not a joke, but it was pretty funny, well to me!

    Ok......true story...........

    Flying back from Hawai'i to Northern Cali, and I am in my seat awaiting who will be my "seat partner" on the flight.

    Waiting and finally this 6'3, GORGEOUS about 60 years old Greek man, walks up and smiles and says......"I believe I am your companion on the flight."

    I think I died and went to "heaven".

    He strikes up a conversation with me and we talk and laugh and have our dinner, and I look at him and tell him I have taken my "flying pill" and had my champagne and I will probably fall asleep and hope he isn't offended.

    Well, I fall asleep.

    I wake up......laying ON this man's chest, and he has his arm around me!

    I apologize still sleepy, and he proceeds to look down at me, and says, "You're fine, just go back to sleep."

    I did.

    My husband said, "ONLY YOU.......babe.....only you."
    he said...'you're fine, just go back to sleep?'' that's weird. i'm sorry, that's a weird thing to say to a stranger.
    *laughing*

    well I was laying on his chest!! *L*...and I did go back to sleep..thank goodness for flying pills!
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  80. #180  
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  83. #183  
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  84. #184  
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    Someone really captured the look here.
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  87. #187  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Does this really happen?

    Does this happen?
    How many posters do we get here who claim to do science?
    Or understand science?
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    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  88. #188  
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    Quote Originally Posted by prometheus 2 View Post
    Oh my GOD!!

    ahahahaha

    YOU actually have a sense of humor!! You are SO STERN in the Forum!

    I am thrilled!
    That was funny!
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  89. #189  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Does this really happen?

    Does this happen?
    How many posters do we get here who claim to do science?
    Or understand science?
    I have never claimed either.
    Starting a comforter.
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  90. #190  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    THIS IS SO SO SO BAD!!



    "A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities. His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."
    She said, "Pardon?"
    He said, "I said I love you."
    She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."
    She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"
    He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
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  91. #191  
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    Football and the Blonde

    Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes football make sense!

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
    "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
    Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

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  92. #192  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope sculptor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Redneck Wedding Cake.

    OK
    I would'a guessed "COPS"
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  93. #193  
    Forum Cosmic Wizard Cogito Ergo Sum's Avatar
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    Sometimes, I can relate to this when I read about certain investigations:

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    "The only safe rule is to dispute only with those of your acquaintance of whom you know that they possess sufficient intelligence and self-respect not to advance absurdities; to appeal to reason and not to authority, and to listen to reason and yield to it; and, finally, to be willing to accept reason even from an opponent, and to be just enough to bear being proved to be in the wrong."

    ~ Arthur Schopenhauer, The Art of Being Right: 38 Ways to Win an Argument (1831), Stratagem XXXVIII.
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  94. #194  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

    At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

    So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

    So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

    When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?"

    Adam says, "Yes."

    "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
    1) There is too much front end protusion
    2) It chatters at high speeds
    3) The rear end wobbles too much
    4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

    "Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

    So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

    The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

    He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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  95. #195  
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  96. #196  
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  97. #197  
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  98. #198  
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  99. #199  
    Bassaricyon neblina Olinguito's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    "A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities. His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."
    She said, "Pardon?"
    He said, "I said I love you."
    She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."
    She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"
    He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
    Iíve read the whole book.
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  100. #200  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Olinguito View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    "A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities. His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."
    She said, "Pardon?"
    He said, "I said I love you."
    She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."
    She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"
    He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
    I’ve read the whole book.
    So did I when I was like twelve.....*chuckle*....and BRAT!
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