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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1101  
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    A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again. "Mom's weighing the mailman."
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  2. #1102  
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    Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they would do it, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Gepetto about the problem.
    Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.
    A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?" Pinocchio said, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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  3. #1103  
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    I thought this was HILARIOUS
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  4. #1104  
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they would do it, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Gepetto about the problem.
    Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.
    A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?" Pinocchio said, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
    Even God laughed! It was an ancient joke but a good one.
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  5. #1105  
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    A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon.
    Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he
    missed a shot would shout 'Shit, missed'.

    The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder; the priest
    could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his
    friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologized and the game
    continued.

    As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Shit, missed." and
    continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.
    The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist
    that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and
    punish you!"

    Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy
    putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Shit, missed". Immediately
    the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the
    priest and killing him stone dead.

    Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"
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  6. #1106  
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    An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
    "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you
    will always remember me."
    "But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex
    watch instead?"
    "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna
    have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a
    bambinos."
    "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with
    another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say
    "Times up"?"
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  7. #1107  
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    A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
    house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
    with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for
    the night?"

    "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
    as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
    Chinese tortures known to man."

    "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well,
    and entered the house.

    Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful,
    and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man
    since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the
    old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he
    night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night
    of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man
    wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.


    He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
    rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large
    rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the
    best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked
    the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he
    did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock
    tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that
    was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was
    better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As
    he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
    "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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  8. #1108  
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    A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed
    gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely.
    Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a
    baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

    ''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten
    the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls
    down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's
    incapacitated.''

    ''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

    ''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.''
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  9. #1109  
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    A Catholic priest was about to leave his mission in the jungles where he has
    spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he
    never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk
    in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

    The priest was pleased with the response.

    They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
    rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

    The priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
    rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of
    natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

    The priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike." The chief
    looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

    The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
    teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could
    he kill these people in cold blood that way?

    The chief replied, "My bike."
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    A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week.
    When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick
    the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you
    were away, the cat died."

    The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the
    news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he
    was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day,
    you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on
    patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he
    had passed away."

    The brother thought about it and apologized.

    "So how's Mom?" asked the man.

    "She's on the roof and won't come down."
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    A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on
    her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and
    make
    small talk. She accepted.

    "What's your name?" he asked her.

    "Carmen," she replied.

    "That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

    "Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

    "Why did you do that?" he asked.

    "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got
    my name. What's your name?"

    "Beerpussy," the man replied.
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    The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge. A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildo. She looks at the shelf behind the register.
    ''How much for the white one?''
    "$10."
    ''How much for the black one?''
    ''$20." She buys the white one. A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildo. After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one. A third lady comes in for a dildo. She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one. She makes her purchase and leaves. The proprietor returns and asks how things went. "Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"
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  17. #1117  
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    Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
    "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
    "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
    When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
    "Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
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  18. #1118  
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    This is SOOOOOOO BAD!!


    A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

    "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

    "Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
    "Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
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  19. #1119  
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    This old man goes to the doctor's.

    "Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."

    "So what's the problem?"

    "I can't remember where I live."
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  20. #1120  
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    Still LOL on this one.

    A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her.
    She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen
    table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep
    thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his
    eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks.
    "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
    we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes, I do," she replies.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
    making love?"

    "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
    him.

    The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
    face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for
    20 years?’"

    "I remember that, too," she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out
    today."
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  21. #1121  
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    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
    are the only animals that stutter", she says.

    A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
    volunteered.

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
    the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

    Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
    it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

    "That must've been scary", said the teacher.

    "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,

    Fffff'.......And before she could say "Fuckoff," the Rottweiler ate her!"
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  22. #1122  
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    A guy comes home at 3 o'clock in the morning.
    He has obviously had more than his share of booze.
    His wife meets him at the front door, and the following conversation
    ensues:
    "Where in the fuck have you been?"
    "Hey, mama, I was just out having a good time!"
    "Well, how much money did you spend?"
    "Ninety dollars."
    "WHAT!? Ninety Dollars! You asshole, do you know how long ninety dollars
    would last me?"
    "Hmmmm well....ya don't drink...ya don't smoke...ya got yer own pussy ....
    probably forever!"
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  23. #1123  
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    This one cracked me up.

    Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.
    As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can
    join them.
    The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure."
    About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy
    does for a living.
    So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman.
    They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my
    golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."

    So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there
    is a rifle with a huge scope attached.

    Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through
    here! May I look?"

    The hitman replies, "Sure."

    So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see
    through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my
    next door neighbor! And he's naked too!"
    This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit.
    The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
    Jack responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my
    wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it.
    Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing
    around with my wife."
    The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope.
    He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get
    really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for?
    The hitman replies, "Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"
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  24. #1124  
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    As a New York trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
    jumps out
    of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
    lowers the
    window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of
    your
    load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
    She jumps
    out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker
    lowers the
    window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my
    name is
    Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the
    trucker
    ignores her again and continues down the street.

    At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
    the
    blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
    lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
    losing
    some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
    light. When
    he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to
    the
    blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...


    "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New York and I'm driving the SALT
    TRUCK!"
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  25. #1125  
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    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
    He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers
    were killed."

    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
    watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the
    President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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  26. #1126  
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  27. #1127  
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  28. #1128  
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  29. #1129  
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    Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

    "I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

    "That's not going to work."

    "Why not?"

    "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
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  30. #1130  
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    Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks, "What is that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."
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  31. #1131  
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    Three women were at the doctor's office for the second trimester check up. The first woman, a brunette, said that she was sure that she would have a girl because when she made love to her husband, she was on top! The second affirmed with certainty that she would have a boy, because she was on bottom. The blonde grabbed her head between her hands. "Oh, crap! Puppies."
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  32. #1132  
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    A woman was engaged to get married. She had never had any sexual experience whatsoever. So she asked a couple of her friends what she could do to her husband on their wedding night to really impress him.
    One of her friends suggested that she give him a blowjob. She asked what a blowjob was, but they were all too embarrassed to tell her. Finally one friend told her to just go home and practice on a ketchup bottle. So she practiced for months.
    Finally the big night came. They got married, went to the hotel room and she got ready to do her thing.
    She unzipped his pants, got down on her knees, grabbed his penis in her hand, took a deep breath.... and started smacking the tip of it with the palm of her other hand.
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  33. #1133  
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    An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to
    revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?"
    asks the doctor.

    "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an
    aspirin for a headache."

    "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee,
    he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to
    let me know how everything went."

    A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he
    inquires as to how her love life has been. "Oh it was
    terrible, just terrible doctor."

    "What happened?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.
    The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the
    cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes
    off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the
    tabletop. It was terrible."

    "What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not
    good?"

    "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,
    but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"
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  34. #1134  
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    The Dam

    >>
    >> An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several
    >> years. He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables,
    >> horse shoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees.
    >> The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
    >> One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't
    >> been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
    >> to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting
    >> and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
    >> women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence
    >> and they all went to the deep end.
    >> One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
    >> The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
    >> naked or make you get out of the dam naked. Holding the bucket up he
    >> said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."
    >>
    >> Moral: Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.
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  35. #1135  
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    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
    something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
    came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
    them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
    that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
    Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
    chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well
    the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report,
    so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
    "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."
    "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she
    missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
    door shot himself."
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  36. #1136  
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    Our man Bob, has worked at the ballbearing factory in his home town, for
    the past fourty years without an accident. Suddenly one day everything
    went wrong, there was a huge explosion and the bulk of the factory is
    blown to bits.

    The next day Bob finds himself in the hospital, wrapped in bandages and
    surrounded by loved ones. Just then the doctor walks in and tells Bob the
    bad news. "Well," says the sawbones, "I guess threre's no easy way to
    tell
    you this son, but you've lost your penis. We did everything we could to
    save it but it was just too damaged."

    Well, Bob lay silent for a few moments, and then asked: "What the hell am
    I going to do now?"

    "Not to worry," replied the doc," I've got a drawer full of replacements,
    I'll simply graft one on after you've had a few weeks of rest."

    So, a few weeks go by and Bob ends up at the doctors office. After a bit
    of small talk they get down to business.

    "Now Bob," says the doc, "I've got quite a few different penises here for
    you to look at, and each has a different price tag."

    So the doctor opens the drawer in his file cabinet and there are some
    smallish penises in it.

    "They're pretty small," says Bob, "if I have to pay for this I want the
    biggest and best you've got."

    So the doc opens the second drawer of the cabinet and there are some
    penises that are a bit bigger than the first. "How much for one of them,"
    askes Bob.

    "These are the eight inchers, and they go for about eight hundred," says
    the doc.

    "I said, I want the biggest and best you've got." replies Bob.

    The doc then jumps to the next drawer. "These are the ten inchers, and
    they go for about one thousand dollars," he says.

    Bob takes a good long look, then takes another look, and finally says,
    "These are just about perfect, do have any in white?"
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  37. #1137  
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    "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get
    it up for my wife anymore.

    "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can
    do."

    The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your
    clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie
    down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

    The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
    "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
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  38. #1138  
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    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a
    parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the
    bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid
    higher and higher and higher.

    Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid -
    the parrot was his at last!

    As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I
    sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this
    much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

    "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you
    think kept bidding against you?"
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  39. #1139  
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    Redneck Etiquette

    Ears:
    While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
    that should be done in private using one's own
    truck keys. (NOTE: Keys must also be cleaned
    regularly, because ear wax buildup can
    short circuit a starter switch.)

    Brushing & Flossing
    Scientists have proven that the use of a toothbrush
    (and toothpaste when available) can help people
    keep their teeth into their thirties and even beyond.
    Dental floss, the modern equivalent of broom straw,
    is also helpful. A lightweight monofilament
    fishing line works just as well. Remove lures first.

    Manicures and Pedicures:
    Dirt and grease under the nails is a social no no,
    as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
    and alter the taste of finger foods.
    Corns and calluses can be removed using
    a common potato peeler, remember never
    to cut against the grain.

    Hair Care

    (FOR MEN)
    Contrary to popular belief, dandruff is
    not an incurable disease. Rubbing motor oil
    into the scalp once a week will turn the flakes dark
    and then they will not be noticeable.

    If you can't afford hair tonic, brake fluid
    holds the hair in place and gives it
    a dark, Elvis like sheen.

    (FOR WOMEN)
    While a tall hive of hair is the current rage,
    it can be an open invitation to bees and hornets.
    A 50/50 mixture of Black Flag and hairspray
    can prove to be a girl's best summertime friend.

    Driving
    When approaching a four way stop,
    remember that the vehicle with the largest
    tires always has the right of way.

    When sending your wife down the
    road with a gas can, remember that it is
    impolite to ask her to bring back a beer.

    Remember that the median
    is not a passing lane.

    Never tow another car using
    panty hose and duct tape.
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  40. #1140  
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    The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
    activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak
    very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

    After a short time on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
    right, so
    some family members grabbed her straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on
    her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so
    again
    the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

    Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
    they tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who
    arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking
    good! How are they treating you?"

    Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
    grandson...

    "They won't let me fart. "
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    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
    needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
    friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
    together.
    Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl
    said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

    The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

    The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in
    to
    identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's
    pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

    The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

    The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

    Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

    "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

    "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town,
    folks
    would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
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    Two guys have 9 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A young nurse preps them for surgery. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table. Then, she takes his manhood in her hands and masturbates him. She tells him that it is standard procedure to make sure there are no blockages.

    Once done, the nurse tells him to sit down and repeats her instructions to the second guy. When he is on the exam table, the nurse gives him a blow job. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "That's not fair. Why does he get a blow job?"

    The nurse says, "Sorry, that's the difference between Blue Cross and an HMO."
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  45. #1145  
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    A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

    The priest asks, "What do you mean 'almost'?"

    "Well, we got undressed and pressed together, but then I stopped."

    The priest replies, "Pressing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

    The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.

    The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."

    "Well, Father, I pressed up against it, and you said that was the same as putting it in."
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  46. #1146  
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    A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
    A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
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  47. #1147  
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    A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
    The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
    The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
    The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
    The man answers, "Yes!" The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
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  48. #1148  
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    When You Live In The DEEP South :

    * You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

    * You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

    * Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

    * Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

    * You burn your yard rather than mow it.

    * The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

    * Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
    spare a loved one.

    * You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
    it.

    * You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

    * You come back from the dump with more than you took.

    * You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

    * You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

    * You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

    * You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

    * You have a rag for a gas cap.

    * You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

    * Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

    * Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

    * Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take
    the wheels off.

    * Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

    * A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home
    improvements.
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  49. #1149  
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    Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to
    get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a
    dollar a pop.

    The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl
    won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long
    spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

    About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood
    bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to
    which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that
    toilet brush?"

    "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
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  50. #1150  
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    An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
    once more for old times sake.

    He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

    Before long he's going at it as well as he can for a guy of his age,
    but needing some reassurance, he asks,"How am I doing?"

    The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
    knots."

    "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

    She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
    your money back.
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  51. #1151  
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    A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows
    about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting
    into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

    Confused, the father asks what's wrong?

    "Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got
    the 'There's no Santa speech.'

    At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

    When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no
    Tooth Fairy' speech.

    If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't
    really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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  52. #1152  
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    A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the
    noon
    day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the
    hospital.
    His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started
    to
    blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor
    prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes,
    a mild sedative and Viagra.

    Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in
    that condition?"

    The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."
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  53. #1153  
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    True Account

    This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter

    of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
    board. This is a true story.

    Dear Sir,


    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
    Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
    of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
    following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On
    the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new
    six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some
    bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in
    excess of 500lbs.


    Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a
    barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
    building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went
    up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

    Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a
    slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident
    report form that I weigh 135lbs.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
    my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
    I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the
    vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding
    downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured
    skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section
    3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
    rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
    knuckles deep into the pulley.

    Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
    able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience
    pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit
    the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
    weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer
    you again to my weight.

    As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
    building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
    up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
    several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to
    change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough
    to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
    fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
    however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move,
    I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
    and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down
    onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
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  54. #1154  
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    The 'Crazy Cat Lady Starter Kit'.

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  59. #1159  
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    A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

    "I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

    "I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.

    "Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."

    The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"
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  60. #1160  
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    A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her cigarettes. He walks there only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use their vending machine.

    At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and eventually end up in her apartment. After they've had some fun, he realizes it's 3 a.m. and says, "My wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?"

    The woman gives him some talcum powder, which he rubs on his hands and then goes home.

    His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and screeches, "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

    "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her."

    "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

    She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"
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  61. #1161  
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    Q: What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?

    A: Cash and carry.
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  62. #1162  
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    A college psychology class was studing human reaction to sexual stimulus and of special interest was the frequency of amorous relations.

    ''How many students here,'' said the professor, ''engage more than once a week?''
    Five people raised their hands.

    ''And how many engage once a week?''
    Ten hands went up.

    ''How many twice a month?''
    Eight hands went up.

    ''Once a month?''
    Four hands were raised.

    ''And how may once a year?''
    A little guy in the back waved his hand frantically and giggled hysterically. ''If you engage only once a year,'' said the professor, ''I don't see what you're so overjoyed about.''
    Flush with excitement, the little guy said, ''Yeah, but tonight's the night!''
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    Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
    "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
    "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
    "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin". BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
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  64. #1164  
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    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't. (@OxfordEdScience)

    The Google Doodle today both is and isn't about Schrödinger's cat. (@bengreenman)

    Curiosity may have killed Schrodingers' cat (@redhatopen)

    There ought to be a range of Schrodinger’s Cat Food. Half the price but a 50-50 chance of the tin being empty. (@PontoonDock)

    Baa baa Schrödinger's sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, no sir, three bags simultaneously full and empty (@tdawks)

    It's not every day you get to make weak jokes about Schrodinger on Twitter. And at the same time, it IS.(@thatjoeden)

    Schrödinger's cat simultaneously has 3 million, 0 and an annoying 301 views on YouTube. (@UltimateHurl)

    Every time I hear a joke about Schrödinger's cat a little part of me dies and simultaneously doesn't die. (@GeorgeGavin1)

    Wanted: Schrodinger's cat. Dead and alive. (@Stahnnley)
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  65. #1165  
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    An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to
    counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an
    infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of
    live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been
    bitten.

    So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the
    post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake
    present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was
    justifiable.

    The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box
    on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live,
    rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short
    note. The note said, "I missed!"
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  66. #1166  
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    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
    and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

    So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
    engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
    designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning
    and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's
    it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
    flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
    going to come up with next."

    God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
    never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
    him."

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
    going to get a lawyer?"
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  67. #1167  
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    Sam and Bessie have been married for forty years. During those years, Sam
    always wanted to own an expensive pair of cowboy boots.

    Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home.

    He walks into the kitchen and asks Bessie "So, do you notice anything different
    about me?"

    "What's different? It's the same old shirt you wore yesterday and the same
    pants. So what's different?"

    Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely
    naked, wearing only his new boots.

    Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different now?"

    "Whats different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
    and it'll be hanging down tomorrow."

    Angrily, Sam yells, "do you know why it's hanging down? Cause it's looking at
    my new boots!"

    Bessie replies, "You should'a bought a hat."
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  68. #1168  
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    A Palistinian suicide bomber blows himself up while killing 4 and wounding 6
    Israelis. He shows up at the gates of Heaven where he meets St. Peter.

    St. Peter: "I suppose you are here to collect your reward of 72 virgins."

    Terrorist: "Praise Alah it is true!"

    St. Peter: "Then follow me." and he shows the terrorist to a large wooden door.
    "The virgins are in there."

    The terrorist enters the room and closes the door behind him. About 30-seconds
    later, he terrorist comes running out yelling "St. Peter!
    Wait for me!"

    St. Peter: "What's your problem?"

    Terrorist: "Those virgins were the most horrible looking women I have ever
    seen!"

    St. Peter: "Hey buddy, don't come crying to me! Didn't it ever dawn on you that
    there's a reason why they would all be virgins?"
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  69. #1169  
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    The Internal Revenue Service sends an auditor to asynagogue.

    The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi,"and says, "I
    noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

    "Yes," answered the Rabbi.

    "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candledrippings?" he asked.

    "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have
    enough, we send them back to the candlemaker and every now and then, they send
    us a free box of candles."

    "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
    actually had a practical answer.

    "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs
    from the matzo?"

    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs
    from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
    manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

    "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
    circumcisions?"

    "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save up all
    the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal
    Revenue Service"

    "Internal Revenue?!," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue ... and about once a year, they
    send us a little dick like you."
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  70. #1170  
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    A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous
    anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland.
    There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

    She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she
    started to climb the big tree.
    As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

    In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got a
    large number of splinters in her crotch.

    In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor.

    She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was and how she came
    to get all the splinters.

    The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go
    into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

    She waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

    The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

    He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
    Protection Agency, the Forest Service, the Bureau of Land Management and Fish &
    Wildlife Service before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational
    area, and I am sorry, but they all turned me down."
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  71. #1171  
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    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.?

    One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"??

    The other replies, "Oh sure I do."??

    The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"?

    The second old lady replies,? "I suck a lifesaver."

    After a few moments, the first old lady asks,? "Who drives you to the beach?"
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  72. #1172  
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    Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make
    this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as
    clergy.

    As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really
    outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went
    to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

    They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the
    scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking
    straight towards them.

    They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said,
    "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of
    them individually, then passed on by.

    They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

    The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits.
    These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them.

    Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
    After a while, the same gorgeous blonde - wearing a string bikini this time
    came walking toward them.

    Again she approached them and greeted them individually:" Good morning,
    Father," "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

    One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
    "Yes," she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how
    in the world did you know we are priests?"

    "Father, it's me, Sister Helen...!"
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  73. #1173  
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    A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a
    woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their
    ages.

    She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're
    eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins,
    Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

    "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

    The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get
    nothin'."
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  74. #1174  
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    1,000 Step Joke

    A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
    God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that
    on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to
    laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be
    able to enter Heaven.

    The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so
    she could not enter Heaven.

    The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so
    she could not enter Heaven either.

    Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she
    started laughing.

    "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

    "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
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  75. #1175  
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    THIS IS VERY VERY VERY BAD!!
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  76. #1176  
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  77. #1177  
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  78. #1178  
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  79. #1179  
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  80. #1180  
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  81. #1181  
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    A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
    He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
    Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
    Last edited by babe; November 23rd, 2013 at 02:41 AM.
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  82. #1182  
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    Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

    A: Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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  83. #1183  
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    Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

    A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
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  84. #1184  
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  85. #1185  
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    Thursday night he gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function & all around his head, hell of a pain over his left ear. It was obvious he’d been in a serious accident.
    A drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over him. She looked deep & steady into his eyes and he heard her slowly say,
    "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
    He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?"
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  86. #1186  
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    ME: Boss im not going to be in work today coz im sick
    BOSS: Really, how sick are you???
    Me: well i killed my mum last nite and im in my sisters bed
    lol sick for more jokes go to sikipedia funny as any site ive ever been on for jokes since i started out on the net in 96-97, ive got a family guy seth macfarlane sence of humour crossed with a bit of south park and a bit of brittish humour/sarcasm. nothing shocks me if its said to the right people in the right context and it dosent cause "too much offence" i.e blatent racism for angry ego purposes.
    yeh sikipedia for jokes people, hilarious,#
    thanks
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  87. #1187  
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    No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

    An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple
    had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old
    neighborhood after they retired.. Holding hands, they walked back to
    their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old
    desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.


    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
    practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not
    sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money
    - fifty thousand dollars!


    Andy said, "We’ve got to give it back."


    Sally said," Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid
    it in their attic.

    The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood
    looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either
    of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

    Sally said, "No."


    Andy said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."


    Sally said, "Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile."

    The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

    One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."


    Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
    yesterday ... "


    The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We’re outta
    here!"
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  88. #1188  
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    The Ten Commandments of Love

    I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

    II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind
    my back.

    III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

    IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too darned weird.

    V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to
    be seen with thee.

    VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou
    knowest what's good for thee.

    VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor
    use my credit
    cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

    VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

    IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.

    X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor
    stereo, nor BMW.

    Charlie Giggle

    A smile a day, keeps the blues at bay!
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  89. #1189  
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    So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a
    fourth.

    Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they
    decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

    "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes
    late, so wait for me."

    So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and
    find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them
    all.

    Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play
    again the following Saturday.

    "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so
    wait for me."

    The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this
    time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they're getting ready
    to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten
    minutes late, so wait for me."

    Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he
    decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.

    After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says,
    "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes
    late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or
    right-handed. What's the story?"

    "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
    morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play
    left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play
    right-handed."

    "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

    "Well... That's when I'm about ten minutes late."
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  90. #1190  
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    10 Pints

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears
    his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
    "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
    I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in
    here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
    offer.

    One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the
    same gentleman who left shows back up and taps
    the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
    good?" asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to
    line up 10 pints of Guinness.

    Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10
    of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits
    in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
    "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go
    for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to
    the pub down the street to see if I could do
    it first."
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  91. #1191  
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    10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex

    1. A below par performance is considered damn good.
    2. You can stop in the middle and have a burger and a couple of beers.
    3. Foursomes are encouraged.
    4. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
    5. Three times a day is possible.
    6. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
    7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
    8. You don't have to cuddle your partner when you're finished.
    9. If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
    10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
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  92. #1192  
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    As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a
    Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman
    approached them carrying belts.
    After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they
    were from.

    "America," the husband replied.

    Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not
    from the States."

    "Yes I am." said the wife.

    He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"

    "Yes." she replied.

    Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
    The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he
    replied, "she's not for sale."

    After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband
    what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was
    trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
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  93. #1193  
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    Three children come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
    The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have
    some fuckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his
    language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child
    what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast
    for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally
    she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't
    know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin'
    French toast."
    Last edited by Bad Robot; November 23rd, 2013 at 05:30 PM.
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