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Thread: Got any science jokes?

  1. #1 Got any science jokes? 
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    Topic speaks for itself :L


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    I like the following one.

    A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."


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    I'm thinking that joke is scientifically inccorect. A neutron has a charge, a neutral charge.

    Instead of having no charge it has both positive and negative charges equally.

    Whatever happened to that easy going youngster I used to be?
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  5. #4  
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    Quote Originally Posted by question for you View Post
    I'm thinking that joke is scientifically inccorect. A neutron has a charge, a neutral charge.

    Instead of having no charge it has both positive and negative charges equally.

    Whatever happened to that easy going youngster I used to be?
    Maybe you'll like this one better.

    Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
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    Careful you're in danger of getting booed off stage!

    I'll join in just to take the heat off ya...

    One girl said to her friend ' I think i'm pregnant'. Are you sure? asked the friend... 'yes i'm positive'.
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    Quote Originally Posted by arKane View Post
    Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
    I do hope that atom wasn't hydrogen... as if it lost it's electron the it is no longer an atom strictly speaking. I also hope it wasn't any kind of negatively charged ion... as the loss of an electron would more than likely leave it neutral.

    I must ask, in the name of science, that you be more specific...

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  8. #7  
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    Quote Originally Posted by question for you View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by arKane View Post
    Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
    I do hope that atom wasn't hydrogen... as if it lost it's electron the it is no longer an atom strictly speaking. I also hope it wasn't any kind of negatively charged ion... as the loss of an electron would more than likely leave it neutral.

    I must ask, in the name of science, that you be more specific...


    Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?
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  9. #8  
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    This ones different.

    A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

    One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

    Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.
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    Thats how sheldon from the big bang sitcom learnt about the birds and the bees?

    Somebody somewhere knows too much about electricity and has too much time on there hands... resulting in creative genius.
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  11. #10  
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    Optimist: The glass is half full.

    Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

    Engineer: The glass is twice the size it needs to be.

    Physicist: The glass is completely full, half with liquid, half with air.

    Alcoholic: Better make it a double, then.
    Last edited by SpeedFreek; November 3rd, 2012 at 04:07 PM. Reason: typo
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  12. #11  
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    The following is a little known, true story about Albert Einstein (attributed to Paul Harvey).

    Albert Einstein was just about finished his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to take a break and go on vacation to Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco. Each day, late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the fresh Pacific sea air. On the last day, he paused during his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun set. When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him. The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work. "What symbol should I use for the speed of light?" he asked himself. The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some other purpose. Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something to her. Almost out of desperation, he asked as he lowered his dark sunglasses, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is zery fast?" The woman smiled at Einstein (which, by the way, made his heart sink) and replied, "Si."
    And know you know the rest of the story.
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  13. #12  
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    Found these for this thread....

    Science One-liners

    Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.023 E23
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
    (Picture Einstein in a police uniform with caption): 186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.
    Feathers are light.The sun gives off light.Therefore, the sun gives off feathers.
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  14. #13  
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    Oh well.

    An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar.

    The first mathematician says to the barman, I'll have a pint, please. The second mathematician says, I'll have a half. The next mathematician says, Mine'll be a quarter, thanks.

    OK, says the barman, I see how this is going. So he pulls 2 pints and puts them on the bar.
    "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." Winston Churchill
    "nature is like a game of Jenga; you never know which brick you pull out will cause the whole stack to collapse" Lucy Cooke
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  15. #14  
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    Question: What is "IT"?

    Astronomers do IT all night.
    Chemists do IT by bonding.
    Newton did IT with force.
    Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
    Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
    Volta did IT with a jolt.
    Watt did IT with power.
    Joule did IT with energy.
    Ohm did IT with resistance.
    Pascal did IT under pressure.
    Hooke did IT using springs.
    Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
    Hertz did IT frequently.
    Boltzmann did IT in heat.
    Ampere let IT flow.
    For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
    Edison claims to have invented IT.
    When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
    For Darwin, IT was natural.
    Freud did IT in his sleep.
    Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
    When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
    Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
    Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
    Bohr did IT in an excited state.
    Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
    Schrödinger did IT in waves.
    Bose did IT with partners.
    Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
    Oort did IT in a cloud.
    Hubble did IT in the dark.
    Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
    Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
    Theorists do IT on paper.
    Wigner did IT in a group.
    Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
    Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
    Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
    Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
    Feynman did IT in fields.
    Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
    And supersymmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.

    Answer: IT = science, of course.
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  16. #15  
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    From The Smpsons:

    Ms. Mellon: Well don't you get it Bart? Derivative DY equals 3R squared, DR over three or R squared, DR or RDRR.
    [Ms. Melon does a jig dance]
    Ms. Mellon: Hardy-har-har. Get it?
    It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
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  17. #16  
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    The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula

    Power = Work / Time

    Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain

    Knowledge = Work/Money

    Solving for Money, one finds

    Money = Work / Knowledge.

    Therefore, the less you know, the more you make.
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    Quote Originally Posted by arKane View Post
    Therefore, the less you know, the more you make.
    I didn't manage to follow the logic... but I definitely agree with the conclusion

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  19. #18  
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    David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Network News Producers Do Not Give Science More Air time:

    Number Ten: They are unable to locate file footage of the Big Bang.
    Number Nine: They think that high-temperature superconductors are too hot to handle.
    Number Eight: El Niño is covered by the weather department.
    Number Seven: They already did the O.J. DNA story.
    Number Six: They are unable to find information about semiconductors in the music section of the library.
    Number Five: They are afraid of reporting on dark matter because they think it is contagious.
    Number Four: They are waiting for cold fusion.
    Number Three: They think that the greatest scientific achievement is Tang.
    Number Two: They wouldn't know the superconducting supercollider from a hole in the ground.
    And the number one reason why network news producers do not give science more air time: Scientists are from Mars . . . Journalists from Venus.
    "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati"
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  20. #19  
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    A statistician
    is a mathematician
    who doesn't have
    enough personality
    to be an accountant.
    Grief is the price we pay for love. (CM Parkes) Our postillion has been struck by lightning. (Unknown) War is always the choice of the chosen who will not have to fight. (Bono) The years tell much what the days never knew. (RW Emerson) Reality is not always probable, or likely. (JL Borges)
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  21. #20  
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    A man, complaining of headaches, entered a hospital for diagnostic tests. A doctor examined the results for a brain scan and told the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment. The good news is that this hospital has developed a new procedure for brain transplants and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available: one is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist. The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95." Puzzled, the patient asked, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?" The doctor replied, "It's used."
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  22. #21  
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    I taught my chem recitation in a shirt with "NaCl" on it and I had a knife on my belt. I said, "First person to guess my costume gets 5 bonus points for the day."

    Anyone?
    "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." -Calvin
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  23. #22  
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    ... You are a salty dog?
    It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
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  24. #23  
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    A salt with a deadly weapon.

    *rimshot*
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    "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." -Calvin
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  25. #24  
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    Oh dear where can dark mater be
    Galaxies rotating oh far too rapidly
    There’s not enough glow to make the things go
    Or there’s a glitch in our theory of gravity
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  26. #25  
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    What's this guys T-shirt really saying? Answer in a couple of days if needed.

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  27. #26  
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    What's this guys T-shirt really saying? Answer in a couple of days if needed.
    Depends if I can get my magnesium iron silicate dihydroxide rocks off tonight!
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  28. #27  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricewind View Post
    What's this guys T-shirt really saying? Answer in a couple of days if needed.
    Depends if I can get my magnesium iron silicate dihydroxide rocks off tonight!

    Very Good

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  29. #28  
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    Three freshman-engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.

    One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.

    Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pulleys is ingenious.

    "No," the third student said, "you're both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
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  30. #29  
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    A photon walks into a hotel and the bellboy asks if he can take his luggage. The photon replies "No, I am traveling light" ba dum dum chh
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    Not all who wander are lost... Some of us just misplaced our destination.

    I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of a man is to live, not to exist.
    -Jack London
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  31. #30  
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    I keep trying to tell this joke about Sodium Bromate, but everyone keeps saying NaBro...
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  32. #31  
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    Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
    A: Sherlock Ohms

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  33. #32  
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    Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
    A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
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  34. #33  
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    an opinion without 3.1415...
    is just an onion
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  35. #34  
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    Quote Originally Posted by sculptor View Post
    an opinion without 3.1415...
    is just an onion
    pi
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  36. #35  
    New Member Mr. Knowmore Niceguy's Avatar
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    I like Psychiatry jokes.

    Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: One to hold the lightbulb still, while the world revolves around him!
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    There are 10 sorts of computer scientists:
    -Those who can count in binary
    -And the others
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  38. #37  
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    how many rogerian psychologist does it take to change a light bulb?
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  39. #38  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Knowmore Niceguy View Post
    I like Psychiatry jokes.

    Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: One to hold the lightbulb still, while the world revolves around him!
    Welcome to the forum. I like your avatar and ID.
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  40. #39  
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    Mitt Romney was never lying. Scientifically, he was vibrating his vocal chords and moving his lips. Obama is so fair, he belongs in the Renaissance. Hillary Clinton is the Devil because she held responsibility for what happened in Libya but the FBI found no physical evidence of it.
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  41. #40  
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    Quote Originally Posted by sculptor View Post
    how many rogerian psychologist does it take to change a light bulb?
    I hear you. We seem to share a common interest in how many rogerian psychologists it takes to change a lightbulb.
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  42. #41  
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    Quote Originally Posted by arKane View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Knowmore Niceguy View Post
    I like Psychiatry jokes.

    Q: How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: One to hold the lightbulb still, while the world revolves around him!
    Welcome to the forum. I like your avatar and ID.
    Thanks arKane, it's good to be here. Ditto on the avatar and ID, BTW.
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  43. #42  
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    answer:
    only one, but the light bulb has to want to change
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  44. #43  
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    'A Virus Walks Into a Bar...' and Other Science Jokes - Brian Malow



    Very funny, give it a view.
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  45. #44  
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    Here's a funny one.
    at the top of my page it says Welcome asspain!
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    Quote Originally Posted by arKane View Post
    I like the following one.

    A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
    I like this one.
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  47. #46  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim Colyer View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by arKane View Post
    I like the following one.

    A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
    I like this one.
    That's a classic. It can be further extended.

    A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender, a proton, replied, "For you, no charge." The neutron asks, "Are you sure?" The proton replied, "Yes, I'm POSITIVE!"
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  48. #47  
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    argon walked into a bar
    and the bartender said get the hell out of here
    but argon didn't react
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    When you replace a battery, isn't that revolting?

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    A Higgs boson walks into a church and the priest says "We don't allow your kind in here." The Higgs boson says "Then how can you have mass?"
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  51. #50  
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    When a certain nuclear physicist went on holidays he hung a sign on his laboratory door which read: "Gone Fission."
    Last edited by arKane; December 24th, 2012 at 08:12 PM.
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  52. #51  
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    This sign was hung up in a physics / electricity room
    "Hangin' With My Ohmies"
    Last edited by arKane; December 24th, 2012 at 08:12 PM.
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  53. #52  
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    "gone fission"


    is funnier
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  54. #53  
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    Quote Originally Posted by sculptor View Post
    "gone fission"


    is funnier
    Yes, now that you mention it.

    I made the suggested edit.
    Last edited by arKane; December 24th, 2012 at 08:13 PM.
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    Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
    Last edited by arKane; December 24th, 2012 at 08:11 PM.
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    Q : Did you hear about the murderous mathematician?
    A : He went on a killing spree with a pair of axis!
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    Quote Originally Posted by arKane View Post
    Q : Did you hear about the murderous mathematician?
    A : He went on a killing spree with a pair of axis!
    Next time he strikes, we'll try to outnumber him.
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    Teacher: What is the formula for water?
    Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
    Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
    Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
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    I like this one.

    A frontiersman went into an Indian village to purchase a wife.
    The chief showed him three young women. The first was seated on a deer skin and could be purchased for the sum of five ponies. The second was seated on a buffalo skin and could also be purchased for five ponies. The third young woman was seated on a hippopotamus skin and could be purchased for ten ponies.
    "Why does this one cost so much more?" asked the man.
    "You know," replied chief Pythagoras, "the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."
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    OK. It's Xmas Day - otherwise known as the weak jokes from xmas crackers day.

    What's half of infinity?

    ..... Wait for it ....

    nity
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    "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." Winston Churchill
    "nature is like a game of Jenga; you never know which brick you pull out will cause the whole stack to collapse" Lucy Cooke
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    I thought I knew a really good joke of Heisenberg's, but now I am uncertain.
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    How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two, one to screw the lightbulb and the other to hold the Cock, Mother, I mean ladder.
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    Science-ify your breakfast with a Möbius bagel



    You’ve probably heard of a Möbius strip before - it’s a continuous shape that only has one side and one edge. You can make one pretty easily by cutting a strip of paper, giving it a half twist, and taping the ends together to form a loop. However, if you want to really impress, make a Möbius bagel. By following the instructions, you can cut your bagel (or your donut!) into two interlocking bagel halves. From now on, eat your breakfast like a Scientist!
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    Got any science jokes?
    Negative
    "If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe". - Carl Sagan
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    Managerium

    The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

    This element has no protons or electrons,
    but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons,
    5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons,
    and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going
    round in circles.

    Managerium has a half-life of three years,
    at which time it does not decay but institutes
    a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

    Its molecules are held together by means of
    the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
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    Following after ArKane: Another version...

    New Element Discovered



    Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.



    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every useful process with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a productive process that would normally take minutes, to take from four days to four years to complete.



    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.



    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.



    When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that absorbs twice as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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