Thread: Science Jokes

who has good science jokes?

Originally Posted by Dkav

who has good science jokes?

The Discovery Institute?
The Creation Museum?
The replica of Noah's Arch in Kentucky?

^ nice!

more maths rather than science proper, but this xkcd item had me in stitches :

http://www.thescienceforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=29521

Not a joke but pretty close. ...from Cheers:

Cliff: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Originally Posted by zinjanthropos

Not a joke but pretty close. ...from Cheers:

Cliff: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Scientific one !! good
Though, i'll always oppose alcoholism but it was fun reading this joke !!

You need to kill some more weak brain cells, then read it agin

Originally Posted by jrmonroe

hmm thats true isn't it? mathematics is fundamental for any discipline.

^^^^^
^^^
^^


looool ..that was really nice joke =D Biology was defeated =C

I've got a few

one electron says to another: I think I want to try a new atom. Kinda tired of this one
Says the other electron: Stop being so negative.


a doctor, a biologist and a mathematician are walking on the streets when they see a man walk into a beautiful house. They stop at the sidewalk for a while to admire the house when a few minutes later 2 men come out of the house.
All 3 are equally amazed since they are sure no-one else was home and only 1 person went in.
The doctor says: Classic case of damaged eyesight. We have double vision.
The biologist says: No, I can still only see 1 house, so it's not double vision. It's asexual reproduction. We just witnessed a miracle of nature.
Both the doctor and the biologist argue over this for a while, when suddenly they noticed the mathematician started walking away from the house again.
When they ask him if he isn't intrigued, he simply states: There are -1 occupants now.


When a chemist has diarrhea he has
(Take your time and figure it out )

one electron yelling at another: What are you doing all the way up there. Get back down here.
Says the other electron: I can't, I'm way too excited.

Got it. (The answer not the ailment.)

Originally Posted by toonb

One electron says to another: I think I want to try a new atom. Kinda tired of this one

Says the other electron: Stop being so negative.

Here's a new one for you then:



A hydrogen atom walks into a bar. He morosely walks up to the bar and says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The barman says, “Are you sure?”
The hydrogen atom says...


...“Yes, I’m positive.”

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...
A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Originally Posted by marnixR

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course,rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...
A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

taha

Thought of this in chemistry class, may not actually be scientifically correct but whatever. Astronaut is outside of a shuttle, which is somehow in an absolute zero environment. Astronaut inside the shuttle says via radio "Don't worry mate, it's absolute zero, no pressure." The joke of course being, that pressure decreases as temperature decreases. :P

Originally Posted by PhDemon

Not really a joke but an observation:

Chemists are the only people who wash their hands before going to the toilet as well as after...

I do too, but the first time is with lotion and the second time is with kleenex.

Originally Posted by shlunka

Thought of this in chemistry class, may not actually be scientifically correct but whatever. Astronaut is outside of a shuttle, which is somehow in an absolute zero environment. Astronaut inside the shuttle says via radio "Don't worry mate, it's absolute zero, no pressure." The joke of course being, that pressure decreases as temperature decreases. :P

I don't get it. Could you explain it, again?

Originally Posted by Neverfly

Originally Posted by shlunka

Thought of this in chemistry class, may not actually be scientifically correct but whatever. Astronaut is outside of a shuttle, which is somehow in an absolute zero environment. Astronaut inside the shuttle says via radio "Don't worry mate, it's absolute zero, no pressure." The joke of course being, that pressure decreases as temperature decreases. :P

I don't get it. Could you explain it, again?

Dialog:
Astronaut outside of spaceship is repairing ship. Astronaut inside of ship tells him "Temperature is absolute zero, no pressure captain." Absolute zero in terms of temperature would have very little/no pressure.

Originally Posted by shlunka

Dialog:
Astronaut outside of spaceship is repairing ship. Astronaut inside of ship tells him "Temperature is absolute zero, no pressure captain." Absolute zero in terms of temperature would have very little/no pressure.

Wait.. slow down. I'm still not following. So... the punchline is that he has to pee? No wait... you said "No pressure."
Hmmm...
He's not pressuring the captain?
Hey got it- you meant cabin and not captain. Because the ship is pressurized, right?

No, no... Don't tell me... I can figure this out...

Originally Posted by Neverfly

Originally Posted by shlunka

Dialog:
Astronaut outside of spaceship is repairing ship. Astronaut inside of ship tells him "Temperature is absolute zero, no pressure captain." Absolute zero in terms of temperature would have very little/no pressure.

Wait.. slow down. I'm still not following. So... the punchline is that he has to pee? No wait... you said "No pressure."
Hmmm...
He's not pressuring the captain?
Hey got it- you meant cabin and not captain. Because the ship is pressurized, right?

No, no... Don't tell me... I can figure this out...

No no no, he's bleeding out of his left big toe. He was getting ready to put a turnikit on to stop the bleeding, but the captain radioed not to, because it would be much easier to use fire and carterize it.

Originally Posted by Neverfly

Originally Posted by shlunka

Dialog:
Astronaut outside of spaceship is repairing ship. Astronaut inside of ship tells him "Temperature is absolute zero, no pressure captain." Absolute zero in terms of temperature would have very little/no pressure.

Wait.. slow down. I'm still not following. So... the punchline is that he has to pee? No wait... you said "No pressure."
Hmmm...
He's not pressuring the captain?
Hey got it- you meant cabin and not captain. Because the ship is pressurized, right?

No, no... Don't tell me... I can figure this out...

Or perhaps it's Brokeback Starship and the captain is trying to pressure the other crew members into homosexual actions.

Originally Posted by shlunka

No no no, he's bleeding out of his left big toe. He was getting ready to put a turnikit on to stop the bleeding, but the captain radioed not to, because it would be much easier to use fire and carterize it.

You can't fool me. I know there is no air in space. Astronauts train to hold their breath. I saw it on Discovery.

Originally Posted by Neverfly

Originally Posted by shlunka

No no no, he's bleeding out of his left big toe. He was getting ready to put a turnikit on to stop the bleeding, but the captain radioed not to, because it would be much easier to use fire and carterize it.

You can't fool me. I know there is no air in space. Astronauts train to hold their breath. I saw it on Discovery.

Not if he lights a zippo inside his suit, and then drops it down into his boot.

Unfortunately, I think many individuals think science itself is a joke...

Getting the priorities right:

Originally Posted by Bad Robot

Look at poor Pluto...

Oldy but goody related to math:

Math is good.