Thread: Your Favorite Insults, Put-Downs, Sarcastic One-Liners, etc.

Not trying to steal Arcane's thunder over there with his "Quotations" thread, I have started this thread for all of you who want to share your deliciously cold or cynical insults, put-downs, etc. I sincerely believe that I'm going to get a great many laughs out of this if you people contribute frequently, and I believe that while it may be love that makes the world go 'round, it's sarcasm that keeps it on its axis.

Take it away, you jerks. :P

Ahem. I shall begin.

a) Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

b) Sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?

c) I heard that you changed your mind...so what did you do with the diaper?

d) Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma?

e) Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

f) Is your name Maple Syrup? Well it damn well should be, you sap!

g) Awww, I'd love to, except I just don't like you!

h) It's nothing personal, I just can't stand retards.

i) Gullibility kills, and you're at high risk.

j) Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?

k) Do you get laughed at a lot and never know why?

l) Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic; just really, really stupid.

m) You're IQ's lower than your shoe size

n) You! Out of the gene pool!

Oooh, you guys are amazing!
***
o) Looks like I over-estimated the number of your brain cells.

p) Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

q) I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.

r) Aw, did I step on your poor, itty, bitty, little ego?

s) Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

t) Did it hurt?
Did what hurt?
When you fell from heaven!
That must be the lamest pick-up line ever! Beat it, loser!
Too bad you landed on your face...

u) Don't worry, they can vaccinate against gullibility.

v) They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts.

w) Let's just say, you tried to eat in a maths lesson...

x) (upon being called fat) I can lose weight, but you'll always be stupid.

y) Opposites can't attract, because I'm fairly smart and I don't like you at all...

I have a T-shirt that says:

"I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing"

Are you out of your mind?!! Sorry, I forgot you didn't have one.

z)you wanna go out-
I'm busy.
I didn't even ask you when.
I'll be busy whenever you want to go out, so it doesn't really matter, does it?

Responses to the question- Want to go to the movies;

1)will you be there?

2)will you pay for my date?

3)what makes you think a movie will help your chances?

4)only if you promise not to sit near me.

5)Okay, but I get to be the man!



Don't worry Tri, my thread is assuredly trash, and I doubt its ever going to come out of there. And besides, the two threads are asking for different things, mine asks for the innane comments and supersilious crap spead on this forum to be collected, and you want insults, put downs, and whatnot. Good to have atleast one humor thread alive and well, eh?

I don't have any insults, because I don't generally insult people. I make observations, and you don't have a prepared list of those. A prepared insult, like these "gems", is only engineered to degrade. To further harm an already harmed individual. For some reason, few people seem to understand this, and it constantly perpetuates throughout society in each generation.

I think the fact so many of you have "insults" suggests something.

I think the fact so many of you have "insults" suggests something.

Yeah, we have a sense of humour. These insults are designed to be funny, that's all. Nobody's actually advocating the use of these insults or have actually used some of them before (hopefully).

I'm sorry, I don't experience epicaricacy.

Originally Posted by Darius

I'm sorry, I don't experience epicaricacy.

Me neither (had to check the meaning of the word ). These are nonexistent imaginary characters though, so no harm done. I would never personally use any of these insults or simply mindlessly insult people. Btw, making observations can be insulting too, especially considering that it necessarily involves a judgement of another that does not always take everything into account and often makes use of pre-existing character models that we try to fit people to. Laughter/humour often has an element of empathy to it and can serve a positive social function, but this is for another thread.

Originally Posted by KALSTER

Btw, making observations can be insulting too, especially considering that it necessarily involves a judgement of another that does not always take everything into account and often makes use of pre-existing character models that we try to fit people to.

That's the wrong way to do it, yes.

I find no humor in these insults. Most are too corny, anyway.

Originally Posted by (In)Sanity

I have a T-shirt that says:

"I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing"

I have one that says "Warning! contains nut!"

I have to wear it by law, in case anyone is allergic to me :?

I'm sorry, but did Darius just say he never insults people? If you behave in life the way you behave on this forum, you insult a lot of people through your so-called observations... And besides, the ideal behind these insults is humor, not an infliction of pain, and even if that was the basis for them than in this setting that whole mindset is lost, as visiting this thread you would expect to be insulted or read something massively offensive. Drop the stoic act, it's getting old.

Originally Posted by Arcane_Mathematician

I'm sorry, but did Darius just say he never insults people? If you behave in life the way you behave on this forum, you insult a lot of people through your so-called observations...

An observation is an observation. If someone chooses to take offense to it, that is not my problem. An insult, however, is the intent to offend for the sake of offending. If any of you ever learned from my observations, maybe you'd have more respect for me.

And besides, the ideal behind these insults is humor, not an infliction of pain, and even if that was the basis for them than in this setting that whole mindset is lost, as visiting this thread you would expect to be insulted or read something massively offensive. Drop the stoic act, it's getting old.

Even if construed as humor, it's not funny.

@ Arcane: Forget it. Please. Just....don't argue a lost cause, ok?

@ KALSTER: Thanks for being my, um, beliefguard?

@ Darius: I'm sorry you find this thread tasteless and asinine, but if it aggravates you that much, then kindly ignore this topic. There's no sense in hovering, and it will only irk yourself and the other people participating in this thread. Humor isn't a set-in-stone thing, so it's completely plausible that you might not enjoy what we have here. I know quite a few people who disapprove of sarcasm and obnixiousness. However, they also always make it a point to stay away from anything offensive or sarcastic or cynincal, etc. Could you please do the same?

find no humor in these insults. Most are too corny, anyway.

Well then, I guess this is goodbye. Take solace in the fact that a teardrop is ever-so-slowly making its way down my cheek as I type this.

~*~*~*~*~*~

And on with the original intentions!

α) Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

β) I'd like to plead contemporary insanity.

γ) Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. (SO true.)

δ) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

ε) Hey, you've got a string hanging from your dress...oh wait, that's just your leg.

My passprt picture looks happier than me...

)Once you go greek, you never go back!

It's true, I'm never going back to Greece

a dyslexia for a cure has been found......
anyone who calls you an idiot is no fool.....
OH SNAP!
if your here than that means oh shit...
with that diaper comment tri.... try this one on for size.... why dont you put the diaper on your mouth... thats where the shit is falling out!

with that diaper comment tri.... try this one on for size.... why dont you put the diaper on your mouth... thats where the shit is falling out!

I sincerely hope that wasn't really directed at me....... :?

~~~~~~

1) Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

2) Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

3) FOR SPACEY: Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. :wink:

4) FOR ARCANE (who believes he's going to be senile and amazing at the age of 80): You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. (Yes, i am a slight pessimist, but dont judge me. I am capable of being a ray of sunshine through the darkest of nights...except during an eclipse.)

This was just said to me.

We'll see, you clunky bag of boners

and it was too great NOT to share.

Originally Posted by tritai

with that diaper comment tri.... try this one on for size.... why dont you put the diaper on your mouth... thats where the shit is falling out!

I sincerely hope that wasn't really directed at me....... :?

dont worry tri, the comment wasnt directed at you personally... i just thought that i'd "go one better" on your diaper joke

on the other hand, i must agree with the politicians and diapers being changed frequently.... but sadly, it wont really make a difference.... their BOTH still gunna be full of it... it doesnt matter what you do

act your age! your physical one if your mental age is too low

The first one may already have been quoted. I think I may have seen it on this forum some time ago, but I found it whimsical:

If I thought well of your opinion I would be offended.

This one is original (and reflects back on an earlier exchange in this thread).

Are you a sock puppet of Darius?

Of course, while I might use the first one, the last one is too cruel and demeaning to use for real. :wink:

Ok, so this one comes from Goofy:
If somebody hits their head you can tell them:
-You should be glad you didn't wound a more important part of your body.

Ha ha ha ha, John, that second one was quite entertaining!

a. I'll keep my guns, money, and freedom. You keep the change.

b. 333 = only half evil

c. I can't wait to procrastinate.

d. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

e. I'm sorry, did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

f. Don't steal - the IRS hates the competition.

8)

~Terrible sorry, I thought I was talking to a child for a moment there...

~You're full, you say? I think I know what of...

~You have an opinion in something relevant? Fascinating!

Victor Meldrew in "One Foot in the Grave" :

'Letting the pages of the Sun pass in front of your eyes does not amount to reading.'

a) When did I learn I was God? I was praying and I realized I was talking to myself...

b) That's it, no more free will for you.

c) I have a heart...it's just nocturnal.

d) Friends are like slinkys…they are useless….and go away at times…but you can count on them coming back…and you find strange pleasure and happiness in pushing them down the stairs.

Wow, this thread is quite lame.

when someone says "don't blame me, i'm not responsible for ..." (name any possible cock-up that could apply), your reply should be : "and a good thing too, because if you were things would be in an even worse mess!"

I think Mr. Adams said it best. "'the babelfish is so incredibly useful that it can't have evolved by chance and has to have been created by a god, and therefore is proof that God exists!' Upon hearing this, God muttered 'crap' and disappeared in a puff of logic."

Thomas Huxley seems to have wise-cracked when the anglican bishop Samuel Wilberforce was killed after having been thrown off by his horse :

"For once, reality and his [Wilberforce's] brain came into contact and the result was fatal."

oh for the cruel accuracy of the barb ...

-Did you hear that sound?
-What sound?
-The characteristic tone created when air passes through your head.

Originally Posted by Arcane_Mathematician

I think Mr. Adams said it best. "'the babelfish is so incredibly useful that it can't have evolved by chance and has to have been created by a god, and therefore is proof that God exists!' Upon hearing this, God muttered 'crap' and disappeared in a puff of logic."

Yeah, this is definitely a classic! :-D

thats what she said!!
are we allowed 'your mum' jokes?

"I'd say you're suffering from deevolution, but I don't want to insult deevolution...."

Roger Ebert one-liner: "I give it two thumbs up..your ass."

Black man one-liner: "I'm not black I'm just big-bonered."

Penis one-liner: "My best friends are fucking nuts!"

one to use when you have an argument with someone in the pub :

"ok, go step outside and start bleeding while i finish my pint"

make sure you're taller than your opponent though

http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-10-b...s-of-all-time/

probably the single greatest assembly of insults of all time.

don't know who said this one, but it's a good one, if only a bit geeky :

"your head is a black hole : nothing of reason or intelligence passes your event horizon"

your face, your ass... whats the difference?
its time to kick ass, and chew bubblegum....... and im all out of gum.....
hehehe! WASTED!!!

"I'll stick a red-hot poker up your ass cold-end first so you burn your hands when you try to pull it out."
...not so much of a one-liner put down as a more aggressive fightin words.


"Where's my can opener?" (i.e. I'm going to open a can of whoop-ass)

"This is my smart-ass I'm wearing today; my dumb-ass is in the shop for repairs."

"Wow. Civilization made sure Natural Selection got nowhere near you, didn't it?"
(made that one up myself)

And two of Doug Addams', that I also use regularly:
"You know what?"
"More than you could possibly imagine."
and my favorite:
"It gives me a headache just thinking down to your level."

i need a technical report written that an idiot could understand - so i'll ask you to write it

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception

"your face reminds me of a headless chicken"

"You can't chop a chicken's head off - it still runs around for 10 minutes!"

"Not if I cut its legs off first!"

its not 'Rape' if they say NO!!! 3 times......
thats why you cover their mouth the first time :P

sorry in advance for anyone who might of been raped

Shout surprise first, and try in court to call it surprise sex, not rape.

Originally Posted by drowsy turtle

Shout surprise first, and try in court to call it surprise sex, not rape.

I believe the technical term is "surprisebutsex".

Surprise buttsecks? More like Wednesday, am I right?

"may i remind you that the official language in the company is english, not gibberish"

Originally Posted by KomradRed

Surprise buttsecks? More like Wednesday, am I right?

More like: prison + soap-on-floor = surprisebuttsex.

i got this one the other day from a class mate during IT lessons...

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support

you said that u needed tech support right marnixR?

nice, but it's not exactly a one-liner, is it ?

nice story

Originally Posted by marnixR

nice, but it's not exactly a one-liner, is it ?

i know sorry guys but when i saw it i immediately thought u guys would understand this and like it....

found on a list of things not to write on an performance appraisal form :

"has delusions of adequacy"

tbh i don't see why you shouldn't write that type of stuff

your mommas so fat she ate the punch line

Originally Posted by marcusclayman

your mommas so fat she ate the punch line

yo mumma's so fat that her shadow weighs 100 pounds....
yo mummas so fat that, she has to put mayonaise on her asperins...
i could go on..... for ever......

when someone tells you "you could have fooled me !" your reply should be : "it doesn't take much to fool you ..."

Originally Posted by marnixR

when someone tells you "you could have fooled me !" your reply should be : "it doesn't take much to fool you ..."

i didnt think it would....

"you would be good-looking if your weren't so damn ugly"

Originally Posted by marnixR

"you would be good-looking if your weren't so damn ugly"

"before i started drinking you were ugly..... and since i have been u havent gotten any more beautiful then i think ill go have another drink.... but sadly i dont that will improve the situation either......"

"that is fascinating".

(the correct tone takes years of practice)

it works best with a slight hesitation between "that is" and "fascinating", and with a hint of a questioning intonation towards the end - as if you're grasping for the right word but are not really sure that "fascinating" is the correct one

"A fully paid-up member of the 'pull yourself together' brigade".
Of course some individuals (rednecks for example) might not regard this as an insult.

What does this one mean?

He does the work of three men: Curly, Larry and Moe


I never understood it.

"ahhh, youth is wasted on the young".

Tritai: He's a complete and total stooge

Sorry, I wasn't listening: I was far too busy procrastinating.


(after someone says something you said is sexist) Actually, that was post-misogynistic irony, so don't worry your pretty little head about it.

A) When god gave out Brains, were you still at the food table?


B)1. Say have you seen that retard over there?
2. that's a mirror...
1. yes I know


C) Stop waving your ass at me and get back to... oh wait, that's your chin


D) did you hear they x-rayed your skull? all they found was an I.O.U

Some men are born mediocre,
some men achieve mediocrity,
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

One would think for $50k they would include turn signals.

not exactly a 1-liner, but i've always liked this one :

Originally Posted by marnixR

not exactly a 1-liner, but i've always liked this one :

HAHAHAHAHA ive seen that one around a few times before and it ALWAYS gets a chuckle out of me

"the ego has landed"

Found this the best insult ever. Taken from the show "Black adder"

Man: They call me the man with a thousand faces!
Black adder: Then why did you pick the ugliest one?

It's not an insult or a put down, but a good way to interupt someone randomly

"here it comes! there it goes! you missed it!"

if you ever happen to meet a B-list celebrity who utters the immortal words "do you know who i am ?" your reply should be "sorry, but it isn't my job to remind amnesiacs of who they are"

time to revive this thread - i've always liked this one :

"my friends call me Ed, but you can call me (whatever comes to mind that isn't Ed)"

go elf yourself

Reading your posts is like navigating a hedge maze while wading through molasses.

Just thought it up and might use it on cypress. Effective or not? :?

Originally Posted by KALSTER

Reading your posts is like navigating a hedge maze while wading through molasses.

Just thought it up and might use it on cypress. Effective or not? :?

No. Only Joking it was quite funny :P

"Reading your posts is like sitting down on a bed of nails; A PAIN IN THE ARSE".

Might use that on GIA... nah really I don't usually put people down, just walk away if they tick me off.

Originally Posted by Darius

I find no humor in these insults. Most are too corny, anyway.

Too bad for you then.

I happen to be a fan of ironic humor. For example, here's my insult:

Originally Posted by Darius

I think the fact so many of you have "insults" suggests something.

When someone is reluctant to do something, I like to say, "Where's your sense of adventure?"

Originally Posted by Wild Cobra

When someone is reluctant to do something, I like to say, "Where's your sense of adventure?"

Validation/Qualifing Prod.

That's a manipulative tactic. Tsk tsk...

"Try to get hit in teh head rather than anywhere else: that way, you won't suffer from any real damage"

"While I, of course, most likely agree with your point wholeheartedly, I must insist first that you put it into coherent sentances"

"Don't be silly, that can't cause you brain damage..... what is there to damage?"

(When someone says they're thinking) "careful... Are you sure you know how?"


I pretty much make them up as I need to, when I actually use them, but...

But what?

Originally Posted by Quantime

But what?

but... orange you glad I didn't say banana.

Originally Posted by Quantime

But what?

But at that precise moment I was driven temporarily insane, by attempting to empathise with you all 8)

Originally Posted by drowsy turtle

Originally Posted by Quantime

But what?

But at that precise moment I was driven temporarily insane, by attempting to empathise with you all 8)

Awww, let me get my Doctors bag and heal your bleeding heart.

:P

i'm conservative when it comes to all things except condiments

Originally Posted by Quantime

Originally Posted by drowsy turtle

Originally Posted by Quantime

But what?

But at that precise moment I was driven temporarily insane, by attempting to empathise with you all 8)

Awww, let me get my Doctors bag and heal your bleeding heart.

:P

You're welcome to try, but my heart doth bleed freely

Originally Posted by drowsy turtle

Originally Posted by Quantime

Originally Posted by drowsy turtle

Originally Posted by Quantime

But what?

But at that precise moment I was driven temporarily insane, by attempting to empathise with you all 8)

Awww, let me get my Doctors bag and heal your bleeding heart.

:P

You're welcome to try, but my heart doth bleed freely

I will try. The world is cruel I know, I find it great to look on it as to make us all better. What things do you think are holding you back? That are making it bleed often?

My insult to a friend in Drama class:

"I would kick your ass but I can't afford to pay for the facial reconstructive surgery."