Thread: My pain

I am british, my wife is Japanese. We have a 2 month old son. Everytime we have an argument or a disagreement, she threatens to leave me, (which i could probably handle) but she threatens to take my son to Japan, and says stuff like "Have a good look at him, it might be the last time you ever see him."

Why the hell do women behave like this ???

i'm not sure it's women who behave like this, it strikes me as more childish than feminine.

Originally Posted by leohopkins

I am british, my wife is Japanese. We have a 2 month old son. Everytime we have an argument or a disagreement, she threatens to leave me, (which i could probably handle) but she threatens to take my son to Japan, and says stuff like "Have a good look at him, it might be the last time you ever see him."

Why the hell do women behave like this ???

Are you sure she is not related to the Japanese Mafia?

You really don't deserve this sort of behavior, and you need to get it sorted out. We're really not the right people to talk to about this sort of thing, though. Talk to mutual friends, a marriage counselor, someone who knows you or is trained to help you work things out?

She is using a tool to get you to behave. One that she knows you will respond to. I agree with serpicojr. You should seriously consider a marriage councillor. I do not know you, but more often than not, it is both parties that are guilty of trying to hurt the other. A prerequisite to truly working out your differences is just listening to each other. More than listen, try to understand each other’s viewpoints. This part is very important. This is only my humble advice.

You have to stop winning the argument. Lose a few, even if deliberately.

Originally Posted by leohopkins

I am british, my wife is Japanese. We have a 2 month old son. Everytime we have an argument or a disagreement, she threatens to leave me, (which i could probably handle) but she threatens to take my son to Japan, and says stuff like "Have a good look at him, it might be the last time you ever see him."

Why the hell do women behave like this ???

you ask: "why do women behave like this?"

this might be part of the problem, lack of respect for women.

now, i'm not sure what your problem actually is.
are you complaining about the constant arguing, or are you complaining about she threathening to leave you and taking your son with you(while you don't mind the occasional argument)?

she obviously feels cornered by you for some reason,
maybe its some deep-rooted childhood issues, maybe she's frustrated that you haven't turned out to be her dream husband after all, or maybe she simply has a stressful job, and need to lash out.
it could also simply be PMS.
my mother, the controlling bitch that she is, started an argument over me washing the dishes by hand after dinner, instead of using the dishwashing machine, so that i wouldn't be responsible for taking out the dishes.

Traditional Japanese culture is not one in which women have a very high place. I don't know what her background is, but it's possible that in an argument, she quickly begins to feel overpowered and reaches for the only leverage she has over you to get a sense of control over her own life. This is only a guess, since as I say, I have no idea what her background is.

I repeat the advice of others that, in order to truly help yourself and your wife, you should seek some kind of professional counseling.

Japanese mafia ladies are pretty hard to work out.

Thanks guys. You all have valid points.

Originally Posted by leohopkins

I am british, my wife is Japanese. We have a 2 month old son. Everytime we have an argument or a disagreement, she threatens to leave me, (which i could probably handle) but she threatens to take my son to Japan, and says stuff like "Have a good look at him, it might be the last time you ever see him."

Why the hell do women behave like this ???

She cannot take your son back to Japan without your written permission. She will be stopped at British customs, especially if you let them know she is attempting to take the child back to Japan.

As for your problem, Japanese women, who grew up in Japan are to be treated differently from British or North American women, for example. They don't get sarcasm, they don't get our humor, our slang or many other such concepts we take for granted.

And, they are easily upset by the most trivial of things you might say, usually throwing them into tears.

Japanese women are quite feminine, for the most part, and have little masculinity as might be found in the attitudes of other women. They are usually quite shy and abhor confrontations.

Thrusting them out of their closed society is huge for them, culturally, and many wind up going back to Japan if they can't handle the culture shock.

After time though, they start to adjust somewhat.

Originally Posted by (Q)

As for your problem, Japanese women, who grew up in Japan are to be treated differently from British or North American women, for example. They don't get sarcasm, they don't get our humor, our slang or many other such concepts we take for granted.

And, they are easily upset by the most trivial of things you might say, usually throwing them into tears.

Japanese women are quite feminine, for the most part, and have little masculinity as might be found in the attitudes of other women. They are usually quite shy and abhor confrontations.

Thrusting them out of their closed society is huge for them, culturally, and many wind up going back to Japan if they can't handle the culture shock.

After time though, they start to adjust somewhat.

This is possible, but I must add it depends on her background. Like I mentioned, someone fresh from a very traditional Japanese family with little experience in English might be like this, but this is not a rule for all women of Japanese descent. I am friends with a Japanese woman who moved to the US several years ago, and she is nothing like this. She gets our humor quite well. Though she is in general non-confrontational, I've yet to see her burst into tears or get very upset over something trivial. Besides, I don't think "abhors confrontations" is a good description of a woman who threatens to take her son away from her husband with a relatively high frequency.

Originally Posted by paralith

I am friends with a Japanese woman who moved to the US several years ago

Key phrase in bold.

Originally Posted by (Q)

Originally Posted by paralith

I am friends with a Japanese woman who moved to the US several years ago

Key phrase in bold.

Thank you, Q. That's exactly my point. We don't know when leohopkin's wife left Japan. If emmigrated a short time ago, then perhaps she would fit your description. But if she's been in England for several years, she might not.

Originally Posted by paralith

Thank you, Q. That's exactly my point. We don't know when leohopkin's wife left Japan. If emmigrated a short time ago, then perhaps she would fit your description. But if she's been in England for several years, she might not.

I've had quite a bit of experience with oriental women. Most certainly there are bitch queens, like any other race of women, and perhaps that's the kind of woman leohopkin's has married. I don't know.

But, overall, most Japanese women are of the description I mentioned. They all have varied degrees of cultural shock acceptance. Some take longer than others, while some adapt quickly.

Perhaps leohopkins could fill us in on some details of his wife.

Yeah.

Have you checked interpol.

Originally Posted by (Q)

I've had quite a bit of experience with oriental women. Most certainly there are bitch queens, like any other race of women, and perhaps that's the kind of woman leohopkin's has married. I don't know.

But, overall, most Japanese women are of the description I mentioned. They all have varied degrees of cultural shock acceptance. Some take longer than others, while some adapt quickly.

Perhaps leohopkins could fill us in on some details of his wife.

This is seriously counterproductive.

There is a "care" factor in this forum, right?

Originally Posted by serpicojr

This is seriously counterproductive.

Why?

In general, why would you think this is productive? In specific, how is calling someone a "bitch queen" productive?

Here's a real answer. This is all fairly obvious. leohopkins needs immediate, dynamic help from a person who knows him and his wife or who is trained to deal with scenarios such as this, and his wife's active involvement needs to be part of the solution. None of these things can be accomplished on this forum, especially if some of us are starting with prejudices such as yours.

Originally Posted by serpicojr

In general, why would you think this is productive? In specific, how is calling someone a "bitch queen" productive?

I never called anyone a bitch queen, I merely pointed out this type of woman is prevalent in any race. Perhaps I'm completely wrong on that one. I apologize if the term offended you.

Here's a real answer. This is all fairly obvious. leohopkins needs immediate, dynamic help from a person who knows him and his wife or who is trained to deal with scenarios such as this, and his wife's active involvement needs to be part of the solution.

Agreed.

But, he is asking our opinions. I agree with yours and I would promote it. I merely offered my opinion based on my observations of oriental women who move to North America and what their experiences have been. I've yet to see one successfully navigate the cultural shock they experience.

True, you didn't call anyone a bitch queen, but it also looked like you were ready to use the term against specific people. However, I never accused you of calling anyone a bitch queen; if anything, I accused you of being willing to do so.

I think the best thing we can do is to encourage him to seek the appropriate form of help. I think any other advice we give has as much potential to hurt as it does to help, so even if he were begging for our advice, I would refuse to give him anything but the above encouragement.

It looks like he may have already decided to solve his problems elsewhere, so this discussion may be moot anyway.

Originally Posted by serpicojr

You really don't deserve this sort of behavior, and you need to get it sorted out. We're really not the right people to talk to about this sort of thing, though. Talk to mutual friends, a marriage counselor, someone who knows you or is trained to help you work things out?

...she sounds unhappy.....

Originally Posted by (Q)

Originally Posted by paralith

Thank you, Q. That's exactly my point. We don't know when leohopkin's wife left Japan. If emmigrated a short time ago, then perhaps she would fit your description. But if she's been in England for several years, she might not.

I've had quite a bit of experience with oriental women. Most certainly there are bitch queens, like any other race of women, and perhaps that's the kind of woman leohopkin's has married. I don't know.

But, overall, most Japanese women are of the description I mentioned. They all have varied degrees of cultural shock acceptance. Some take longer than others, while some adapt quickly.

Perhaps leohopkins could fill us in on some details of his wife.

wow.....................
i thought they were submissive, cleaned a lot and worship grounds that white men walked on.....thats what i heard...maybe leo got a worng one.