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Thread: How to not be socially awkward? Aspergers

  1. #1 How to not be socially awkward? Aspergers 
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    Often times I come into new social situations I have not encountered before and sometimes I literally have no idea what to do.

    I just stand there and even I feel awkward myself let alone how the people around me feel.


    How can I train myself to know what to do? Are there any criteria that people follow and I will just match that criteria?

    I guess I have been diagnosed with aspergers several times throughout my life even at a very young age, but I do have A LOT of emotion towards things.

    I am very compassionate and I like volunteering and such so I don't really understand that part I guess.


    I usually try to just do what the people around me are doing but sometimes I don't know how.

    Thanks!


    Newbie to Science, trying to educate myself on this forum and further my scientific knowledge.

    I like to ask a ton of questions so please be understanding!

    I like to think of new stuff and in new ways.
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  3. #2  
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    Having Asperger's too, I've learned a few tricks.

    My answer is just fake your emotions. Never show your real emotions. They never come out right. I took a couple of acting classes, and now I just use the facial expressions associated with the emotions people expect me to have.

    It can be kind of difficult in certain situations. Like if I'm trying to listen to someone tell me how to do something, I have to concentrate on continually making the "interested and paying attention" look while I also try to take in what they're saying. Often times I completely miss what they're saying because I'm so busy concentrating on making that face.

    I also have a poker face and an inquisitive "I don't understand what you just said" face which I can use when the appropriate response is unclear. Sometimes I just shut down and stop talking, and stare at a wall or something until I can leave. Better that than make a fool of myself.


    It's a kind a "jury rig" workaround, but that's the options I have so I take it.


    Some clocks are only right twice a day, but they are still right when they are right.
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    Forum Masters Degree DianeG's Avatar
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    What type of social situations are the most uncomfortable or bewildering, and what kinds are easier? I myself find it easier to interact with people in situations where there is some kind of activity or purpose besides just purely socializing. For example, it's easier for me to strike up a conversation with someone while fishing off a dock, or lifting weights at the gym, or even waiting in line some where, than at a party. When I'm actually doing something, it gives me a ready-made conversation starter ("Last week someone caught a four pound bass here" or "I wonder why this place is so busy on a Tuesday morning.") Since you like volunteering, whatever work it involves will give you something to chat about and something to focus on, or physically do, if the conversation lapses, it may also give you experiences to talk about in other social situations.
    Last edited by DianeG; August 4th, 2014 at 09:42 PM.
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    Forum Masters Degree DianeG's Avatar
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    PS. It kind of makes me sad that people with Asbergers sometimes feel socially handicapped. I know it involves some difficulty reading social cues and responding appropriately, but every person with Asbergers I've ever met, I really enjoyed taking to. Their comments always seemed unique, insightful, and sincere. And ironically, because they usually gave me something interesting to think about and respond to, they made me feel less self-conscious. For many people, content matters more than style and poise, so build on your strengths.
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    Northern Horse Whisperer Moderator scheherazade's Avatar
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    Hello ScienceNoob.

    New social situations are awkward for many people, so firstly, realize that you are not alone. A good place to start to improve your social skills is in an area where you are comfortable. I note that you list computer programming and weight-lifting as interests and also that you are a student. Are there any related associations or clubs that you could participate in, as a starting point to expand your comfort level?
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  7. #6  
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    Quote Originally Posted by kojax View Post
    Having Asperger's too, I've learned a few tricks.

    My answer is just fake your emotions. Never show your real emotions. They never come out right. I took a couple of acting classes, and now I just use the facial expressions associated with the emotions people expect me to have.

    It can be kind of difficult in certain situations. Like if I'm trying to listen to someone tell me how to do something, I have to concentrate on continually making the "interested and paying attention" look while I also try to take in what they're saying. Often times I completely miss what they're saying because I'm so busy concentrating on making that face.

    I also have a poker face and an inquisitive "I don't understand what you just said" face which I can use when the appropriate response is unclear. Sometimes I just shut down and stop talking, and stare at a wall or something until I can leave. Better that than make a fool of myself.


    It's a kind a "jury rig" workaround, but that's the options I have so I take it.

    Reading this broke my heart. Wow. Do you think you might be creating unnecessary work for yourself?

    I've never been diagnosed with a social disorder (for lack of seeking a diagnosis) but my problem is relevant, if a little different. I've never, ever had trouble making friends, but I have trouble keeping them. I get lost when it comes to the protocols that constitute a friendship and so a lot of my long-term interactions can be really confusing and stressful for me ... so before I give my opinion, I just wanted you to know that I'm not perfect in this department, either. But in terms of participating in conversation ... well, that's my favourite thing to do, so here's my two cents:

    I used to feel so self-conscious in conversation. I was so self-conscious about how these people must be perceiving me that I couldn't concentrate on what was being talked about, let alone formulate my own contribution. It really frustrated me because I'd often walk away with the sensation that I had absolutely no idea what I just said. It's almost like you're not actually present in the conversation.
    The way I managed that, was firstly acknowledging it. Beyond the basics like being courteous, you can't positively manage the impressions people have of you. They will superimpose their experiences onto you whether you like it or not. Accept that it is beyond your control, and let it go. Be yourself. Be who you are when you're alone with yourself.
    Then, really focus on what they're saying. It's not how you look that will affect the flow of conversation, it's how you respond. For example, I went to see my accountant the other day. We've only met twice. The first time I met him, I felt that he was so incredibly shy and nervous, and it transferred right into me! I became stressed because I could sense how staggered and forced the interaction was for him, and I mirrored it, making both of us uneasy.
    The next time 'round - the other day - I knew what to expect from him. Again, he was shy and nervous; couldn't maintain eye contact for very long. What I knew this time, though, was that in his mind, he wasn't being awkward. I was perceiving him to be awkward because he was exhibiting characteristics that I associate with awkwardness. He was actually perfectly comfortable! So I chose to completely overlook the way that he was telling me what he was telling me, and focused purely on what he was saying. He wasn't trying to be rude or awkward, it's just part of his nature that he seems very nervous. I'm sure he was very comfortable! (We were in his office, after all, talking about what he specializes in).

    It can be so easy to get caught up in what people might be thinking, and it can really inhibit your interactions. Don't pretend. Don't try to cope. Just relax, and focus on what is being said, and relate the best you can with your own experiences. I promise you, people will walk away feeling good about you, because they felt listened to. Just remember that we're all human. We're different enough, but when you really boil it down, we can all relate to one another on some level. It's just about finding that level on which you can relate, and running with it. It's a big subject and I could go on ... but I hope this helps.
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  8. #7  
    Northern Horse Whisperer Moderator scheherazade's Avatar
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    hadams raises some good points.

    The one thing that most people have some confidence in, is themselves and what they have experienced. If you can politely ask about their interests and get them doing the talking, you take a lot of burden off yourself in maintaining the social flow. If people ask you about yourself, it is rather customary to give response and then before long, direct a question back to them. With a bit of practice, you can learn to extrapolate this technique from shared interests to virtually any topic.

    The weather has always been a pretty safe topic and with all of the weird weather activity around the globe, one will not soon run out of conversation material.
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  9. #8  
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    In a social gathering try to relax, move around and look casually at other people. Before long, you will notice someone glancing at you. If they are talking to others, don't jump in, but if they are on their own or in an open group, looking around the room themselves, then stroll over to them. As scheherazade alludes to; a useful "gambit" is to have a couple of simple questions prepared.

    For example, (smile) "Hello, I'm {your name}". (Pause for them to introduce themselves, maybe shake hands) "So, are you a work colleague of {the host}, or.......?" (pause to let them answer). If they say yes, you can ask something about their work. ("Oh right. What does your work involve?) If they say they're not a work colleague but tell you how they met, you can ask them a follow up question about that.

    Also have a finishing statement or gambit ready to use if the conversation has ended or is not working: "Well, nice to meet you, (then smile, nod and walk away.)

    It helps to have a glass of something in your hand, because this makes you look relaxed and confident.

    The eye contact thing can be difficult, I have this problem too and find it uncomfortable to maintain eye contact. I get round it by nodding, and shooting regular brief glances at their face. You don't have to look at their eyes if that is uncomfortable to do, just look at their nose, or their eyebrows and they will be none the wiser. If you don't look at them while talking with them, they will be uncomfortable.

    Have you read "The Autistic Brain" by Temple Grandin ? (published in the USA by Mariner). I am not suggesting you are autistic, but this book explains that your brain might simply be wired up differently to the norm. She explains, (amongst many other fascinating things), that the brain's wiring for social eye contact is reversed in some people, so they don't make eye contact when most people would and vice versa.

    Good luck !

    OB
    Last edited by One beer; August 7th, 2014 at 03:17 AM.
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  10. #9  
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    Ask open questions which pressure for more than a one word answer. It might be difficult but studying body language is also a good idea, once you know a few tricks you can generally tell when someone isn't in the mood (the old saying they don't bite might not be true in all circumstances) and when someone is more receptive. Also confidence and eloquence of speech, no one wants to listen to someone who struggles to converse, who appears not to care what is being said and who gives the impression of hiding secrets. Don't be afraid of saying the wrong thing, as Churchill said: 'You had enemies? Good that means you stood up for something" If you fear they will not agree with your company you may be talking to the wrong group of people.

    Reflect on every conversation for a while: 'What would I have felt had I been the one being spoken too?' 'Were my gestures or manners of speech rude? Did I use appropriate words? Would I speak about X with etc.
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  11. #10  
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    Folks with asperger's have difficulty reading social cues. For example they may not pick up on when another person is bored and wants to terminate a social interaction so they plow on making the other person very uncomfortable and wanting to avoid them in the future. Tricks: active listening. Ask questions, ask if the other person has an opinion and listen to it.
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  12. #11  
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    Quote Originally Posted by hadams View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by kojax View Post
    Having Asperger's too, I've learned a few tricks.

    My answer is just fake your emotions. Never show your real emotions. They never come out right. I took a couple of acting classes, and now I just use the facial expressions associated with the emotions people expect me to have.

    It can be kind of difficult in certain situations. Like if I'm trying to listen to someone tell me how to do something, I have to concentrate on continually making the "interested and paying attention" look while I also try to take in what they're saying. Often times I completely miss what they're saying because I'm so busy concentrating on making that face.

    I also have a poker face and an inquisitive "I don't understand what you just said" face which I can use when the appropriate response is unclear. Sometimes I just shut down and stop talking, and stare at a wall or something until I can leave. Better that than make a fool of myself.


    It's a kind a "jury rig" workaround, but that's the options I have so I take it.

    Reading this broke my heart. Wow. Do you think you might be creating unnecessary work for yourself?
    It is only "unnecessary work" if it is unnecessary.

    I use the workaround because I can't use the default method. I can't be "in the moment" with other people. I never feel what they feel when they feel it.

    Quote Originally Posted by DianeG View Post
    What type of social situations are the most uncomfortable or bewildering, and what kinds are easier?
    The most bewildering situations are the ones where someone is expressing emotion.


    I've never been diagnosed with a social disorder (for lack of seeking a diagnosis) but my problem is relevant, if a little different. I've never, ever had trouble making friends, but I have trouble keeping them. I get lost when it comes to the protocols that constitute a friendship and so a lot of my long-term interactions can be really confusing and stressful for me ... so before I give my opinion, I just wanted you to know that I'm not perfect in this department, either. But in terms of participating in conversation ... well, that's my favourite thing to do, so here's my two cents:

    I used to feel so self-conscious in conversation. I was so self-conscious about how these people must be perceiving me that I couldn't concentrate on what was being talked about, let alone formulate my own contribution. It really frustrated me because I'd often walk away with the sensation that I had absolutely no idea what I just said. It's almost like you're not actually present in the conversation.
    The way I managed that, was firstly acknowledging it. Beyond the basics like being courteous, you can't positively manage the impressions people have of you. They will superimpose their experiences onto you whether you like it or not. Accept that it is beyond your control, and let it go. Be yourself. Be who you are when you're alone with yourself.
    Then, really focus on what they're saying. It's not how you look that will affect the flow of conversation, it's how you respond. For example, I went to see my accountant the other day. We've only met twice. The first time I met him, I felt that he was so incredibly shy and nervous, and it transferred right into me! I became stressed because I could sense how staggered and forced the interaction was for him, and I mirrored it, making both of us uneasy.
    The next time 'round - the other day - I knew what to expect from him. Again, he was shy and nervous; couldn't maintain eye contact for very long. What I knew this time, though, was that in his mind, he wasn't being awkward. I was perceiving him to be awkward because he was exhibiting characteristics that I associate with awkwardness. He was actually perfectly comfortable! So I chose to completely overlook the way that he was telling me what he was telling me, and focused purely on what he was saying. He wasn't trying to be rude or awkward, it's just part of his nature that he seems very nervous. I'm sure he was very comfortable! (We were in his office, after all, talking about what he specializes in).

    It can be so easy to get caught up in what people might be thinking, and it can really inhibit your interactions. Don't pretend. Don't try to cope. Just relax, and focus on what is being said, and relate the best you can with your own experiences. I promise you, people will walk away feeling good about you, because they felt listened to. Just remember that we're all human. We're different enough, but when you really boil it down, we can all relate to one another on some level. It's just about finding that level on which you can relate, and running with it. It's a big subject and I could go on ... but I hope this helps.
    It's a popular misconception about Asperger's that people with Asperger's are shy, or fail to connect socially because of a lack of self confidence or fear of public speaking... etc.

    I know for a fact that I will offend everyone if I am not careful. It's not an irrational fear of the unknown. Relaxing is nice, but "being myself" is only a good idea sometimes.

    Asperger's is more akin to being like Spock, in Star Trek. You know the guy must feel something under his logical exterior, but if he does feel it he doesn't express it. However, in real life, people would not get along with Spock. You could be pouring your heart out to him, telling him about some life changing experience you had, maybe explaining how you felt when your child died of cancer, even crying, and he'll just keep looking at you with that inquisitive stare of his. The third or fourth time that happens you'd want to kill him for being so cold.

    However, I am a step ahead of Mr. Spock. When I realized that my emotions weren't showing on my face, I took up acting, and now I can at least pass for a normal human being, even if I'm faking the actual expressions.


    Quote Originally Posted by One beer View Post
    In a social gathering try to relax, move around and look casually at other people. Before long, you will notice someone glancing at you. If they are talking to others, don't jump in, but if they are on their own or in an open group, looking around the room themselves, then stroll over to them. As scheherazade alludes to; a useful "gambit" is to have a couple of simple questions prepared.

    For example, (smile) "Hello, I'm {your name}". (Pause for them to introduce themselves, maybe shake hands) "So, are you a work colleague of {the host}, or.......?" (pause to let them answer). If they say yes, you can ask something about their work. ("Oh right. What does your work involve?) If they say they're not a work colleague but tell you how they met, you can ask them a follow up question about that.

    Also have a finishing statement or gambit ready to use if the conversation has ended or is not working: "Well, nice to meet you, (then smile, nod and walk away.)

    I find the easiest way to get keep in conversation is to get someone talking about them self, and their life. Since I can't actually live life the way they do, I actually find everything about their life to be interesting. I love to hear their stories, and they seem to love telling them.

    It's like hearing someone tell you about their travels to Egypt or something exotic like that.

    In a way it allows me to live vicariously through them.
    Some clocks are only right twice a day, but they are still right when they are right.
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  13. #12  
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    Quote Originally Posted by kojax View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by hadams View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by kojax View Post
    Having Asperger's too, I've learned a few tricks.

    My answer is just fake your emotions. Never show your real emotions. They never come out right. I took a couple of acting classes, and now I just use the facial expressions associated with the emotions people expect me to have.

    It can be kind of difficult in certain situations. Like if I'm trying to listen to someone tell me how to do something, I have to concentrate on continually making the "interested and paying attention" look while I also try to take in what they're saying. Often times I completely miss what they're saying because I'm so busy concentrating on making that face.

    I also have a poker face and an inquisitive "I don't understand what you just said" face which I can use when the appropriate response is unclear. Sometimes I just shut down and stop talking, and stare at a wall or something until I can leave. Better that than make a fool of myself.


    It's a kind a "jury rig" workaround, but that's the options I have so I take it.

    Reading this broke my heart. Wow. Do you think you might be creating unnecessary work for yourself?
    It is only "unnecessary work" if it is unnecessary.

    I use the workaround because I can't use the default method. I can't be "in the moment" with other people. I never feel what they feel when they feel it.

    Quote Originally Posted by DianeG View Post
    What type of social situations are the most uncomfortable or bewildering, and what kinds are easier?
    The most bewildering situations are the ones where someone is expressing emotion.


    I've never been diagnosed with a social disorder (for lack of seeking a diagnosis) but my problem is relevant, if a little different. I've never, ever had trouble making friends, but I have trouble keeping them. I get lost when it comes to the protocols that constitute a friendship and so a lot of my long-term interactions can be really confusing and stressful for me ... so before I give my opinion, I just wanted you to know that I'm not perfect in this department, either. But in terms of participating in conversation ... well, that's my favourite thing to do, so here's my two cents:

    I used to feel so self-conscious in conversation. I was so self-conscious about how these people must be perceiving me that I couldn't concentrate on what was being talked about, let alone formulate my own contribution. It really frustrated me because I'd often walk away with the sensation that I had absolutely no idea what I just said. It's almost like you're not actually present in the conversation.
    The way I managed that, was firstly acknowledging it. Beyond the basics like being courteous, you can't positively manage the impressions people have of you. They will superimpose their experiences onto you whether you like it or not. Accept that it is beyond your control, and let it go. Be yourself. Be who you are when you're alone with yourself.
    Then, really focus on what they're saying. It's not how you look that will affect the flow of conversation, it's how you respond. For example, I went to see my accountant the other day. We've only met twice. The first time I met him, I felt that he was so incredibly shy and nervous, and it transferred right into me! I became stressed because I could sense how staggered and forced the interaction was for him, and I mirrored it, making both of us uneasy.
    The next time 'round - the other day - I knew what to expect from him. Again, he was shy and nervous; couldn't maintain eye contact for very long. What I knew this time, though, was that in his mind, he wasn't being awkward. I was perceiving him to be awkward because he was exhibiting characteristics that I associate with awkwardness. He was actually perfectly comfortable! So I chose to completely overlook the way that he was telling me what he was telling me, and focused purely on what he was saying. He wasn't trying to be rude or awkward, it's just part of his nature that he seems very nervous. I'm sure he was very comfortable! (We were in his office, after all, talking about what he specializes in).

    It can be so easy to get caught up in what people might be thinking, and it can really inhibit your interactions. Don't pretend. Don't try to cope. Just relax, and focus on what is being said, and relate the best you can with your own experiences. I promise you, people will walk away feeling good about you, because they felt listened to. Just remember that we're all human. We're different enough, but when you really boil it down, we can all relate to one another on some level. It's just about finding that level on which you can relate, and running with it. It's a big subject and I could go on ... but I hope this helps.
    It's a popular misconception about Asperger's that people with Asperger's are shy, or fail to connect socially because of a lack of self confidence or fear of public speaking... etc.

    I know for a fact that I will offend everyone if I am not careful. It's not an irrational fear of the unknown. Relaxing is nice, but "being myself" is only a good idea sometimes.

    Asperger's is more akin to being like Spock, in Star Trek. You know the guy must feel something under his logical exterior, but if he does feel it he doesn't express it. However, in real life, people would not get along with Spock. You could be pouring your heart out to him, telling him about some life changing experience you had, maybe explaining how you felt when your child died of cancer, even crying, and he'll just keep looking at you with that inquisitive stare of his. The third or fourth time that happens you'd want to kill him for being so cold.

    However, I am a step ahead of Mr. Spock. When I realized that my emotions weren't showing on my face, I took up acting, and now I can at least pass for a normal human being, even if I'm faking the actual expressions.


    Quote Originally Posted by One beer View Post
    In a social gathering try to relax, move around and look casually at other people. Before long, you will notice someone glancing at you. If they are talking to others, don't jump in, but if they are on their own or in an open group, looking around the room themselves, then stroll over to them. As scheherazade alludes to; a useful "gambit" is to have a couple of simple questions prepared.

    For example, (smile) "Hello, I'm {your name}". (Pause for them to introduce themselves, maybe shake hands) "So, are you a work colleague of {the host}, or.......?" (pause to let them answer). If they say yes, you can ask something about their work. ("Oh right. What does your work involve?) If they say they're not a work colleague but tell you how they met, you can ask them a follow up question about that.

    Also have a finishing statement or gambit ready to use if the conversation has ended or is not working: "Well, nice to meet you, (then smile, nod and walk away.)

    I find the easiest way to get keep in conversation is to get someone talking about them self, and their life. Since I can't actually live life the way they do, I actually find everything about their life to be interesting. I love to hear their stories, and they seem to love telling them.

    It's like hearing someone tell you about their travels to Egypt or something exotic like that.

    In a way it allows me to live vicariously through them.
    If you ask them about their family you are pushing at an open door.

    Also I would say it would be a help if you can detect any strong lack of interest on their part and extract yourself pronto.

    Rudeness is fine when necessary and within limits in my opinion but I always try to spare people's feelings as much as I can.

    Most people are very open in my opinion ,unlike myself who am very judgemental.
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  14. #13  
    Forum Freshman shazzy's Avatar
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    i just want to ask because recently i know one of my friend are having this syndrome (he told in his fb account).
    At first we met, it took great effort for him to talk to me because usually i ignored him when i enter his lab to do work(usually his alone). i will talk to him just to borrow something without bother to know his name because i found him a weird quiet person. then one day he come to my lab when i'm alone and greet me and called my name ( i never told him my name before). and that is the start of our friendship even after so many months doing work at the same place. i found that he will not greet me when i'm with my friend. he is very kind, and i know i always taking advantages for his kindness. after longtime friendship, he recently add my facebook account. now he already finish his research project. what i dont understand is why he's acting like he's isolating himself and removed me from his facebook friends list, what have i done wrong. i talk to other lab mate, no body really talks to him like i did. he didnt have friends at the workplace. i got bad news told by lecturer that he wants to drop his master degree (he already reach thesis writing process) just help me to try to understand him and can i just contact him because i want to try to help him, encourage him to finish his study
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  15. #14  
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    I once cut off my connection to an entire group of friends just because I had a problem with one person. So there's a good chance you're not the one he has a problem with.

    I didn't know any other way to handle the conflict. I didn't want my other friends to have to choose which side to take. It seemed that this person was intentionally trying to take advantage of me, but of course I can never be sure what another person's intentions really are. I didn't want to falsely accuse that person, but I also didn't want to stick around and let that person keep trying to take advantage of me.

    Also sometimes I meet people who are just plain sadistic personalities. The type of person who gets really mad if they don't see a specific emotion, and keeps trying to hurt you until they get it. I used to find them difficult to deal with because I was more of a pacifist, and didn't want to hurt them. Now I don't care. Of the last 3 such people I encountered in the workplace, I think one of them lost his job, another got demoted to somewhere I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore, and the other never attempts to interact with or make eye contact with me.

    When I encounter a person like that, it quickly becomes apparent to everyone else around me that either they must go or I must go. I consider that third person to be my most successful interaction because he didn't end up having to leave. He just learned he needed to leave me alone. I still feel kind of bad about the other two.

    But when I was younger, I would have just quit.
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