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Thread: Is there a scientific way to get over hurt feelings?

  1. #1 Is there a scientific way to get over hurt feelings? 
    Forum Masters Degree DianeG's Avatar
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    Today I was wondering why we get our feelings hurt. At least anger is protective or motivating, and doesn't tend to last very long, but this just feels like pointless suffering, and not easy to rationally talk ones self out of. It doesn't happen very often to me. I'm not thin skinned, but boy when it does, its sure painful.


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  3. #2  
    Forum Cosmic Wizard
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    Sometimes it helps to vent.
    You can choose entertainment, howling at the moon, a good cry or cold revenge.
    Violence and seeking revenge usually just make the problem worse though.

    There is an old saying that misery loves company, so you should go visit with a friend instead of moping over whatever is bothering you.


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    Northern Horse Whisperer Moderator scheherazade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DianeG View Post
    Today I was wondering why we get our feelings hurt. At least anger is protective or motivating, and doesn't tend to last very long, but this just feels like pointless suffering, and not easy to rationally talk ones self out of. It doesn't happen very often to me. I'm not thin skinned, but boy when it does, its sure painful.
    My thoughts are that we get our feelings hurt because we form attachments and have expectations. We get attached to people, our own ideas and often how we see ourselves. We have often been conditioned to expect respectful response from others, considerate interactions and acceptance or at worst, constructive criticism. When the words or actions of others breaks pattern or contradicts what we expect, it is quite normal to feel hurt and depending on the situation, even very angry.

    When our strong emotions become invoked by a situation, I see that as a signal that something needs to be addressed although it may take a bit of time and ponder to determine precisely what action is appropriate and when and how to apply it. Emotions are primal. Logic, while helpful, can be hard pressed to keep a rein on emotion.

    I hope you are soon able to sort through your feelings DianeG, and that equanimity is soon restored to you.
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    Forum Masters Degree Implicate Order's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scheherazade View Post
    My thoughts are that we get our feelings hurt because we form attachments and have expectations. We get attached to people, our own ideas and often how we see ourselves. We have often been conditioned to expect respectful response from others, considerate interactions and acceptance or at worst, constructive criticism. When the words or actions of others breaks pattern or contradicts what we expect, it is quite normal to feel hurt and depending on the situation, even very angry.

    When our strong emotions become invoked by a situation, I see that as a signal that something needs to be addressed although it may take a bit of time and ponder to determine precisely what action is appropriate and when and how to apply it. Emotions are primal. Logic, while helpful, can be hard pressed to keep a rein on emotion.
    Nice response scheherazade.


    As mentioned when your feelings get hurt the brain's natural defense mechanism is to suggest the problem lies with the other person, but inevitably when you dig deep and think why your feelings have been hurt, the emotional response usually can be associated with a past event where the current symptom is simply a reinforced conditioning response. When faced with this situation it often pays for me to attempt to impartially assess my own thoughts and identify possible reasons for why a strong emotional response was triggerred as it provides clues to the way my thoughts can evoke negative behavioural responses.

    IMO thoughts are an amalgam of a persons life experiences and are frequently biased by these experiences. Thought often seems to interfere with common logic without you being actually aware of it as you tacitly assume that your thoughts are just telling you the way things are...however this is not necessarily the case when I look into my own. My thoughts like to run me and give me the false impression that I am in control when in fact frequently I am simply a servant to my thoughts. You naturally think that your mind is seperate to your body as something abstract but in reality your thoughts ultimately are manifested with behavioural and physiological responses. So if it helps you, be aware of strong negative emotional responses and seek to impartially investigate them to attempt to determine the reasons for the very strong response as it often helps me to correctly address these symptoms.
    Quidquid latine dictum, altum videtur
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    Forum Professor astromark's Avatar
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    Every circumstance requires a adjustment.. Making those adjustments some times is impossible without help..
    If you can not put it behind yourself and step away, move forward.. all those glib statements.. To renew your 'happy'
    Happy is the goal worth chasing.. Ask for help from the professionals.. not your mom.. or me..
    Those whom have the training to actually help.. Make the appropriate adjustment..
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    Cooking Something Good MacGyver1968's Avatar
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    There is a chemical compound called "ethanol" that is commonly used.
    Fixin' shit that ain't broke.
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  8. #7  
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    There are certain logical problems that can't be solved practically using logic. An example would be the "traveling salesman problem"

    Travelling salesman problem - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    On the surface it looks fairly simple. The salesman is presented with a number of cities, and wants to calculate the shortest route that will enable him/her to visit all of them. But in practice, if there are more than a few cities, the number of calculations required in order to find that shortest route can get to be staggeringly large. You'd need a very powerful computer and a lot of time.

    Now, when you think about it, keeping track of your personal social connections is not a very different problem from "the traveling salesman". Every decision you make will likely to impact each personal relationship differently, and figuring out what decisions will have the best overall effect on your level of connectedness to your social network would be virtually impossible to calculate using pure logic.

    So we use emotion instead. It's a "quick and dirty" way to come up with an approximately accurate answer to a question we could never hope to solve using a more complete approach.


    So... why do you "get your feelings hurt"?

    Our close personal connections are as valuable to our survival as our arms and our legs. We feel physical pain when we lose a limb. It makes sense that we should feel emotional pain when we lose a social connection.

    What can we do about the pain? Well, we don't want to dull it too much. It's there for a reason. Try and reattach the limb if you can. Either that or get started growing a new limb.

    Or do whatever would be the metaphorical equivalent of treating a similar physical injury.
    Some clocks are only right twice a day, but they are still right when they are right.
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  9. #8  
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    Basically our minds have evolved to think of our social network as an extension of our bodies. If your social network becomes injured, then you will "feel" it, as though your body has become injured. Because the extended body has, in fact, become injured.
    Some clocks are only right twice a day, but they are still right when they are right.
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    Forum Radioactive Isotope cosmictraveler's Avatar
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    I pay no attention whatever to anybody's praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.
    Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart



    Your feelings so are important to write down, to capture, and to remember because today you're heartbroken, but tomorrow you'll be in love again.
    Taylor Swift



    Our heritage and ideals, our code and standards - the things we live by and teach our children - are preserved or diminished by how freely we exchange ideas and feelings.
    Walt Disney



    She goes from one addiction to another. All are ways for her to not feel her feelings.
    Ellen Burstyn



    Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.
    Nora Ephron



    Consider the rights of others before your own feelings, and the feelings of others before your own rights.
    John Wooden
    When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.
    Jimi Hendrix
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  11. #10  
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    Quote Originally Posted by MacGyver1968 View Post
    There is a chemical compound called "ethanol" that is commonly used.
    Can you elaborate?


    Miss DianeG,
    I have developed a conscious self-defense mechanism.
    If you're interested, read my very first blog here:
    mind-slaughter.squarespace.com/blog/ (still has some grammar errors)
    (log in as a visitor)
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  12. #11  
    Forum Professor scoobydoo1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MindSlaughter View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGyver1968 View Post
    There is a chemical compound called "ethanol" that is commonly used.
    Can you elaborate?
    He meant "booze".
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  13. #12  
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    Quote Originally Posted by DianeG View Post
    Today I was wondering why we get our feelings hurt. At least anger is protective or motivating, and doesn't tend to last very long, but this just feels like pointless suffering, and not easy to rationally talk ones self out of. It doesn't happen very often to me. I'm not thin skinned, but boy when it does, its sure painful.
    Usually when pain lasts there is severe damage to something. Some major part of you is not functioning as well as it was, like maybe one of your parents is dying or a lover is attracted to someone else. But hold on to your faith in benevolence. Good will triumph over evil. Evil doesn't want to accept that.
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  14. #13  
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    When one simply analyses the exact thing(s) he/she felt one can rationally work itself through it and come to conclusion what caused it. From there one can start to address, test, and asses the feeling to see wether its rational and how to deal with it. For example, when one starts to feel hurt when a person close to him/her blows off a appointment one can start asking itself why missing a appointment with this person is a bad thing and why one has to feel hurt for this. Then one can start to ask wether its rational to feel this way and if yes why, if no then start replacing this feeling with a more positive emotion and make up for the missed appointment. it's very much like going through a course of questions that eventually lead one to the understanding of the feeling and a more rational/positive feeling to replace it with.
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    Very good question.

    I don't think there is a evolutionary explanation for this. I think hurt feelings are an indication that humans have higher needs.
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    Quote Originally Posted by cezalinho View Post
    Very good question.

    I don't think there is a evolutionary explanation for this.
    Could it be that feeling hurt did evolve ? For example feeling hurt because los of a social connection instead of missing a meal ? (Just a quick thought)
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    Forum Masters Degree MrMojo1's Avatar
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    I usually experiment with different flavors of ice cream and pie. Ice cream and pie does wonders to salve hurt feelings.
    Last edited by MrMojo1; August 13th, 2014 at 07:59 AM.
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  18. #17  
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    Quote Originally Posted by scheherazade View Post
    we get our feelings hurt because we form attachments and have expectations. We get attached to people, our own ideas and often how we see ourselves...
    Yup, the attachment is a - dare I say - neural construct, that got severed from its usual means of refresh. This is really fundamental to neurology: that those cells *must* get stimulated (e.g. refreshed) periodically or they *die*. Tissue literally dies, in the brain. Naturally we'll use any means cognitive, emotional, irrational if necessary, to sustain the greatest number of cells... or, you could say those cells (representing the severed attachment) will do anything to remain active.

    One cell-survival strategy is to get activated by another set of neurotransmitters e.g. play the cognitions with a different emotion. Like we all know sad thoughts that were originally happy ones... to say it in a pop-psychology frame. The construct may need to try several emotions before it settles on the "best" one for its own survival.

    Another strategy is to form a new relevance, so the construct links differently - and perhaps irrationally. Like, I dunno, I'm personally fascinated by images of Hindu elephant gods, because I had a blue sequined elephant doll as a baby.

    Another strategy might be related to "brain-waves", where the severed attachment gets refreshed by music. I speculate this occurs more by chance than any real strategy, the cells affected having already repurposed so they survive anyway without this sort of ...reunion.

    Any gang of neurons will do what it can to remain alive. The basic "game rules" they must play by, that builds complexity in grey matter, allows them to. But what's necessary for the survival of some individual brain cells, is not always nice for the whole person. I try to be philosophical about this unhappy condition of owning a brain: what doesn't kill me makes me stronger... that kinda sentiment.
    A pong by any other name is still a pong. -williampinn
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    Prozac?
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