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Thread: Big problem with problematic sister

  1. #1 Big problem with problematic sister 
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    Hello everyone, I feel terrible and completely out of any ideas what should be a right choice in this situation..

    Few months ago we had a money missing from Home, first we thought about the random thieves but I realized that money was hidden very well in house so that no one else can find it that easily, anyway to make long story short.. I suspected on my sister. When parents and me tried to talk with her she would act very calm and peaceful so we ( blame the parent affliction and love for kids ) trusted her, but after one or two weeks we noticed money missing again.. this time we pressed her ,we told her about how it hurts the whole family including her, emotionally and materially, we told her about consequences... she admitted that some of that was her part but everything else wasn't her .. if we try any ''aggressive'' method she would just yell kill me or I'll kill myself.. but even if we tried the good method she would still behave very normally like nothing is happening, or acting like she really didn't do it.

    I really can't grasp what could trigger this behavior. Well one week ago she stole all money we have left, she is giving it to some guy who is 2 years older than her.. she is 15 he is 17 and some of them keeping for herself buying clothes,mobile phone, etc... . The most important part is that we caught her , we had to go to police because the big amount of money is 'game' ( at least from our perspective ) . But police simple said that it would be bad to press charges because she gave all the money voluntarily , it must been that that boyfriend and few of others friend had an impact on her, blaming her naivety(maybe) but it's bad in the eyes of laws to press charges, just give up, take care of her.. and that's all.

    Now what should I do? I am really lost and I need to find a right method to solve the solution, man in the police even said that she is astoundingly intelligent but yet very dangerous. She is constantly trying to develop lies .. I thinks she might have some kind of a disorder because I can't believe that someone can behave this way.. unless it has lack of emotions, reasoning , critical thinking but yet she is a 16 old girl that barely know nothing, but still got trapped in a very bad thing.

    Any advice would be good, how should I behave towards her and whole situation now? I doubt that money can be ever returned..


    Last edited by Prolom; April 4th, 2014 at 06:13 PM.
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  3. #2  
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    psychiatric help. parents should take her. quick.


    Last edited by Chucknorium; April 4th, 2014 at 06:16 PM.
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  4. #3  
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    I would like to hear other advises as well, I thought abut psychologist but what would psychiatric have to do with it? Can I blame her boyfriend a little bit as well, he used her..

    I don't know what other methods I can try with her.. I mean she can barely steal anything else because we're almost in bankruptcy, in my focus is how to return some of the stolen money as well and beside that to try to understand what's with her and how can I help her...

    How to behave towards her now, to take her mobile, to isolate her, to ignore her just to make her see that she did a bad thing? To awake pangs of conscience in her? We tried all the good and moral methods we could find....
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  5. #4  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prolom View Post
    We tried all the good and moral methods we could find....
    all the more reason for parents to take her to a doctor.

    but other forum members will add their advice. just wait. Friday night is slow night here
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  6. #5  
    Forum Masters Degree LuciDreaming's Avatar
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    Anyone remember 15? I do. Its a very difficult time for some children (and she is still a child) - the urge to break away from the family is strong, the urge to create an identity for yourself is strong and the urge to 'be' someone is strong. On the other hand the world is scary and people are scary and behaving like you are tough and dont care seems like a good defence. Making new alliances and doing what is cool to them seems the way to go. And this is the problem - she will try to fit in with her new friends and if they are not good people - which it doesnt sound like he is - then things go downhill rapidly.

    I dont agree that a psychiatrist or psychologist is the way forward here - its not an illness she doesn't need medicating and its not a mental defect either. Saddling people with a 'disease' label for their behaviour is a dangerous thing in my opinion - it gives them impression that they need to be cured, that they have no control over themselves and they cant change without medication and that's simply not true.

    I dont know where you are from so I dont know how feasible this is but arent there any other activities that she enjoys doing where there are other people that will have a good influence on her? A youth club, a sports club or some volunteering activities that might show her the way. Has she got a favourite aunt or other more distant relative that can gently show her her behaviour is wrong? But you have to make sure she knows she is still safe - 'I love you but I dont like your behaviour right now' is a lot better than just telling her she is bad.
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    "And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh" Nietzsche.
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  7. #6  
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    Well we tried all methods but they're not working, it seems like she's having distorted perception of moral values and reality. She is a pathological liar, I can't trust her a word anymore .. she is still redirecting the blame to others.
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  8. #7  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prolom View Post
    Well we tried all methods but they're not working,.
    Maybe thats the problem - that you are trying all methods and not sticking with one. You cant expect things to work straight away you have to persevere and you/your parents have to be consistent.

    Perhaps its time you objectively and honestly examined your own behaviour towards her - do you all give the same message, do you threaten consequences for behaviour and then not follow through, do you set realistic expectations, do you shout a lot? What about the language you use - you call her problematic in the thread do you say that to her? Do you tell her she's bad? Remember she is 15 - she will be whatever you tell her she is.

    Clearly she is unhappy - happy people dont behave like this do they? What she probably needs is for you guys to set boundaries and stick with them - even when its getting difficult for you (which is when most people give in). But most of all she needs to know that you love her you just dont love her behaviour.
    "And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh" Nietzsche.
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  9. #8  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope cosmictraveler's Avatar
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    Put your money in a safe deposit box instead of trying to hide it in your home. Try to take away anything by other means so that she can't cause vany problems.

    As was suggested you need to get her to a therapist for consoling so that she receives help from a professional in one form or another. Good luck.
    When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.
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  10. #9  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prolom View Post
    I would like to hear other advises as well, I thought abut psychologist but what would psychiatric have to do with it? Can I blame her boyfriend a little bit as well, he used her..

    I don't know what other methods I can try with her.. I mean she can barely steal anything else because we're almost in bankruptcy, in my focus is how to return some of the stolen money as well and beside that to try to understand what's with her and how can I help her...

    How to behave towards her now, to take her mobile, to isolate her, to ignore her just to make her see that she did a bad thing? To awake pangs of conscience in her? We tried all the good and moral methods we could find....

    I sympathize with your financial problems, but the money is water under the bridge at this point. I agree with the police that if she gave the money to her boyfriend voluntarily, your only LEGAL recourse is against her, which for obvious reasons you'd rather not do. But even if it was a large sum of money, that is not nearly as serious as the possibility of her destroying or wasting her life if she continues down this road.

    From what you've told us, there seem to be two big issues:
    1) trust
    She needs to realize that it is impossible to have a close, loving relationship, to be a "family" with her if you can't trust her, if she steals, or lies, and basically doesn't care if her actions harm you. Nobody can have a close relationship with someone who does this.

    2) her choice of friends. You or a mental health professional should ask her to think long and hard about why she is with these people. Why does she like them? Do they really have her best interests at heart? Do they give a shit what happens to her? Why would would a "friend" ask or expect you to steal from your own family? Why would a friend expect you pay for their stuff, even if it didn't involve stealing? Is she afraid that if she stops hanging out with them, she'll be all alone, and never meet anyone else? And does she really truly think that there are no other kids, no other boys, in her entire school or the town you live in, who might be fun to hang out with and not treat her like a jerk?

    I know you are angry with her for stealing from you and feel betrayed (You should.)There is certainly nothing wrong with telling her that, because nobody else in this world will put up with that behavior from her in the future. That's just reality. But I think it's also important to let her know you are worried about her, and that she is worth more than this. She deserves better friends and a better life than what she is settling for.

    I agree with Lucidreaming that she is not mentally ill, but a therapist could help her look at her behavior and her choices and decide if that is the path in life she wants to continue going down, or if there are better, even more fun, things she could be doing and nicer people she could be doing them with.
    Last edited by DianeG; April 5th, 2014 at 12:53 PM.
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  11. #10  
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    I'd add that the family should go to therapy not just her alone. That way she see's that others are there to listen to her as well as discuss with her the problems they all face.
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  12. #11  
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    Thanks for replies.. I'll write a little bit more about my sister situation and behavior..

    She was spoiled by parents when she was little, they would usually conform her every wish.. Even when she enrolled in the first grade she showed no sympathy for school, she said that she is bored to be studying and learning in school, she always tend to hang out with older girls at least 2-3 years older.. considering friends her age boring?

    She has no fear of authority. Teachers,police,parents and she can be very cheeky.. my mother said that she recall one situation.. they were in small market buying goods and when saleswoman ask her to pack goods in the bag, she would replied something like ' why would I do that, it's your job so you do it' ( I am just trying to demonstrate her behavior through many situations )

    She wants to be famous and to have final word when surrounded by friends, she is very manipulative and constantly lying even when it's needed and when it's not. When she is caught in big lies she would act hysterically ..

    We live in a wealthy family, but we're living pretty ordinary life(when it comes to money spending) , my parents are very sparingly and modest , even I am.. but when it comes to my sister she somehow (this is my personal idea) justified her acts because she is not getting as much money as she should.

    Father is way to stingy, and at one chance she told my mother that it's a good deed to steal our father when she denied to buy her some clothes.

    She started stealing from herself and us , mostly buying her clothes/mobile phones/ buying stuffs to her friends/boyfriend.. but she is considering stealing from others to be very bad and immoral.

    She would usually give money to other people telling people that she is rich and have a lot of money.
    She is very emotional but she is because of some reason suppressing emotions, one might say that she has no emotions but on the contrary.. she could cry all of a sudden when something bad happens to someone.
    At one opportunity she told my mother that she would behave better if father was more aggressive towards her ..

    I was always in good relationship with her, but we don't have (at least from my perspective) the closer relationship.. I think it has to do something with gap between years, I am seven years older. I need someone to direct me and to tell me what should I do? Should I place myself as an authority ? Should I hang out with her a little bit more.. trying to explain her basic moral things, causes / consequences, true values in life.. what tactic should I try..I am completely lost.. even a little bit more when parents told me that I'm the only one who can direct and 'save' her.
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  13. #12  
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    OK - so she has had 15 years of getting her own way and never learning the value of things and never learning boundaries. I doubt she will take very kindly to authority now because she has never had it in her life - and besides its not very fair of your parents to absolve their responsibility on you. They are the parents and should have shown her how to be a kind decent human being and not leave it until now and then expect you to 'save' her.

    I think she might welcome you as a friend if you think you are able to take that role on. I think if you come on as an authority figure she will just kick against you and you wont get anywhere. What about asking her to do some volunteer work with you or alone - sometimes people just need to see how bad things are for other people to turn themselves around or volunteering for an animal charity? Or maybe just taking her out and chatting to her as a friend/brother? Can you find a youth club she might be interested in?

    I really think your parents need to step up to the plate now and they need some counselling to learn how to parent properly.
    "And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh" Nietzsche.
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  14. #13  
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    A lot of teenagers go through a rebellious phase, don't like being told what to do, and are by nature a bit self centered. She may grow out of it. The stealing, however, is more worrisome, since it suggests that she feels the rules only apply to other people and not her, or she doesn't care if her actions hurt others. This will definitely get her into more trouble if it doesn't change.

    Some young people adopt a certain life style, if they have feel like they have nothing better or more interesting to do, or if they feel they have nothing to look forward to, so it doesn't matter what they do. It might help to encourage her to think about her future. What does she want to do with her life? Where does she see herself in five years? Does she want to continue her education? Does she want a job and a nice apartment and a decent car? She can't live off mom and dad for ever. Although she sounds like a "rule breaker," sometimes that rebelliousness and strong mindedness can be turned into a positive if you can convince a kid that the best way to become free and independent is to make choices that will give her lots of options in life - like education and being able to support herself. If she ends up still living at home in her 20s , or she's poor, her options will be limited and she will pretty much have to live by other people's rules all of the time. (And if she ends up in jail or on probation, she better really get used to being told what to do.)

    I realize it is hard to get a 15 year old to think that far ahead.

    In the meantime, I would encourage any interests or hobbies she has, whether its sports, or art, or dance, or music, or even invite her to try new things - go horse back riding or kayaking some Saturday, explore a different part of the city, take her along once in a while to meet some of your friends (since she likes older people,) go to a cultural event, show her where you work and what you do for a living, or take her to hang out on campus for a day with you if you are in school. You can't "save her," and ultimately, she is responsible for her choices. But you can encourage her, maintain contact, and try to open up her world a bit. Teenagers often have tunnel vision. They feel like they and their small group of friends is the whole universe, nothing else matters, and it may help to show her that there is a great big world out there beyond that. And what she gets to do in that world someday depends on the choices she is making now.
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    Thanks for answers I highly appreciate it.. I'll have sooner a deeper conversation with her about everything .. and I will be back with a lot of details, I am terrible brother, but after all I am lost in finding myself in this huge society as well. I guess this is my chance to cure even myself by helping her.
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  16. #15  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prolom View Post
    Thanks for answers I highly appreciate it.. I'll have sooner a deeper conversation with her about everything .. and I will be back with a lot of details, I am terrible brother, but after all I am lost in finding myself in this huge society as well. I guess this is my chance to cure even myself by helping her.
    I dont think you are a terrible brother at all - in fact by posting this you are showing you are anything but a terrible brother. Life is difficult and confusing and what you are trying to do for your sister is also a difficult thing. Let us know how you get on.
    "And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh" Nietzsche.
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    I want to add one more thing, lately she is starting to have tics, like winking on one eye all of a sudden or lifting both shoulders up.. is there any reason behind it, or it's just a normal thing?
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  18. #17  
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    It's starting to sound like you should have a neurologist check her out. There could be a deeper underlying issue.
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  19. #18  
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    Quote Originally Posted by LuciDreaming View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Prolom View Post
    Thanks for answers I highly appreciate it.. I'll have sooner a deeper conversation with her about everything .. and I will be back with a lot of details, I am terrible brother, but after all I am lost in finding myself in this huge society as well. I guess this is my chance to cure even myself by helping her.
    I don't think you are a terrible brother at all - in fact by posting this you are showing you are anything but a terrible brother. Life is difficult and confusing and what you are trying to do for your sister is also a difficult thing. Let us know how you get on.
    I agree, as well, and I commend you for your care and concern. Some people would have washed their hands of the matter, and walked away. Another thing I'd like to add is, don't become too discouraged if you don't see immediate results. Looking back at my life, many relatives or teachers did things for me that I really didn't deserve or appreciate at the time, but never the less changed how I turned out. It was some times years later when I remembered advice they had given me and acted on it, or was grateful for what they had done for me. Sometimes when you plant a tiny seed, it may be a long time before you see what it becomes.
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  20. #19  
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    It could be simple motor tics that come on through stress or sleep deprivation but you really must get her checked out if these are new symptoms.
    "And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh" Nietzsche.
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  21. #20  
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    I am sorry I couldn't respond earlier... I managed to take a roll of psychologist and detective.. There were truth in her words, she stole part of it but the bigger part was stolen by someone else, probably brother of her friend( her friend knew where the stash was hidden) I managed to connect dots and to gather some evidences..but some police detectives are saying that they are close to finish this ( at least I hope so ).

    Now, my sister all of a sudden started eating like never before ( I think the reason is obvious, she was under pressure before ) ..
    I asked her why she did it and when she did it first time.. and she replied the first time she took a small amount of money..and after that she took more because she saw that we didn't notice, she liked to have money and power and to be in center of attention.. I just need to take care that she won't do something similar..
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  22. #21  
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    I read through this tread yesterday and it got me somehow pretty emotional. I recognized alot of sister's behaviour in myself and i know how hard this must be for you. You are a amazing brother for helping her through this! I hope it all works out. As was said earlier it would probaply help to give meaning to her life and making her realise there's more. Good luck !
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