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Thread: breakdown of mutual respect

  1. #1 breakdown of mutual respect 
    has lost interest seagypsy's Avatar
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    Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that it seems to be the trend to bad mouth significant others among friends online or in person. This is a big reason why I cannot tolerate socializing. Constantly hearing people talk about how stupid their spouse is in one way or another as if it is cute or makes them seem cooler to their friends. I made the mistake of reactivating my facebook account today to look up an old address and ended up browsing "friends" pages. Every single one of them that was in a relationship talked about their partner as if they were complete idiots. Which left me thinking, 1. Why are they with them if they think so little of them, and 2. Why does the partner stay with someone who bad mouths them and disrespects them everywhere they go?


    It makes me wonder how anyone can be shocked at the high divorce rates in this country. If two people can't even grasp the concept of mutual respect how do they expect to have a warm loving marriage.

    I only talk about ex's poorly in public.

    But too often I see people say ,"My hubby is a moron but I love him" or "My wifey is only good at sex but that will work for me". WTF! PEOPLE! But then these same people get upset if you say anything remotely bad about their significant other. Hell they are just joining in bashing them. And why do we call people friends who go out of their way to make you see the tiny imperfections in your spouse. I am not talking about friends who urge you to leave someone who is abusive. I am talking about friends who make you nag your husband because he is wearing out of season sandals or some stupid crap like that. Or those who give you crap because your gf/wife has a lisp.

    I call these people nags. They aren't happy with what they have and they don't want you to be happy with what you have either.

    I don't know if I posted this in the right forum. maybe it should have been in general discussion.

    Mods feel free to move it if you like.

    So is there any psychological explanation for why people insult those they love in public? It used to be unheard of. But now it seems to be the IN thing to do.

    When I see people do this, I tend to think really low of the person who is doing it and assume they don't deserve the partner they have and would find it hilarious if they found their asses out on the street, traded in for someone who actually respects their partner. Especially when the person doing it is being financially supported by the one they are insulting.


    jocular and wegs like this.
    Speaking badly about people after they are gone and jumping on the bash the band wagon must do very well for a low self-esteem.
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  3. #2  
    Genius Duck Moderator Dywyddyr's Avatar
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    My ex-wife was spot on when she referred to me as an idiot.
    After all I married her.


    "[Dywyddyr] makes a grumpy bastard like me seem like a happy go lucky scamp" - PhDemon
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  4. #3  
    ▼▼ dn ʎɐʍ sıɥʇ ▼▼ RedPanda's Avatar
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    Many people are in unhappy marriages/relationships.
    I think it is because they feel trapped by marriage/children/mortgages/self-esteem issues.

    tbh, I don't know how people can meet and get married and have children when their relationship is not even 2 years old.
    I would need at least 4 years to even begin to judge the longevity of a relationship.

    In the past, people were definitely trapped by marriage and children, but they didn't have Facebook to post hints about how unhappy they are.
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  5. #4  
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    Wow. I would never talk that way about my wife. She's a better woman than I deserve and I am well aware of that.

    I don't think airing your dirty laundry is a good way to deal with issues in the home. Funnily enough, with every aspect of our lives posted to social media nowadays, people are getting a taste of what celebrity must be like. I would never want my personal problems on Facebook and it certainly isn't a good medium for opening communication between you and your loved one.

    I don't understand why people have such a hard time communicating with people they love about awkward topics.
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  6. #5  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dywyddyr View Post
    My ex-wife was spot on when she referred to me as an idiot.
    After all I married her.
    I can call my spouse anything I want.

    No else is allowed that however.

    They aren't freaking married or F***ing them!
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  7. #6  
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
    Many people are in unhappy marriages/relationships.
    I think it is because they feel trapped by marriage/children/mortgages/self-esteem issues.

    tbh, I don't know how people can meet and get married and have children when their relationship is not even 2 years old.
    I would need at least 4 years to even begin to judge the longevity of a relationship.

    In the past, people were definitely trapped by marriage and children, but they didn't have Facebook to post hints about how unhappy they are.
    I don't think anyone is always 100% happy in their relationship.

    If they say so they are lying.

    I just gave my spouse a two day silence for being an asshole....and when he knows he has been one, *L* Mr. Quiet becomes Mr. Conversation

    There aren't perfect relationships!

    I met my husband in September, started dating in November, got engaged in February and we married in May.

    39 years later.......we don't always agree....but he thinks I am hilarious and calls life with me an adventure, and I make him be silly ...something that isn't in his genetics it's called life!
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  8. #7  
    ▼▼ dn ʎɐʍ sıɥʇ ▼▼ RedPanda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    I don't think anyone is always 100% happy in their relationship.

    If they say so they are lying.

    I just gave my spouse a two day silence for being an asshole.
    I don't view being angry at your partner as the same as "being in an unhappy relationship".
    e.g.
    I can be angry at my best friend but that doesn't stop them being my best friend.

    To use your example, if my GF had been a bitch to me (which, for the record, she has never been) then I would be unhappy with her.
    If my GF was always a bitch then I would be unhappy with the relationship.

    I am not sure I am successfully communicating the nuances of my position.
    But it's the best your gonna get from me.
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  9. #8  
    Forum Radioactive Isotope cosmictraveler's Avatar
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    Sometimes people become upset with their partners and do not want to vent their rants cabout them with others that they know that are close to them. theu just come online and vent their fustrations to others they know won't tell their partners about their statements. That is just another opinion about this matter. Sometimes people do not have a partner and still vent about someone who pissed them off which happens allot I'd bet.
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  10. #9  
    has lost interest seagypsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cosmictraveler View Post
    Sometimes people become upset with their partners and do not want to vent their rants cabout them with others that they know that are close to them. theu just come online and vent their fustrations to others they know won't tell their partners about their statements. That is just another opinion about this matter. Sometimes people do not have a partner and still vent about someone who pissed them off which happens allot I'd bet.
    I'm not talking about venting frustrations, that I can somewhat understand. I am talking about when people are insulting their partner but saying it in a playful tone that they think is cute or flirty. For instance, referring to their partner as a child or a pet.
    Speaking badly about people after they are gone and jumping on the bash the band wagon must do very well for a low self-esteem.
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  11. #10  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    I don't think anyone is always 100% happy in their relationship.

    If they say so they are lying.

    I just gave my spouse a two day silence for being an asshole.
    I don't view being angry at your partner as the same as "being in an unhappy relationship".
    e.g.
    I can be angry at my best friend but that doesn't stop them being my best friend.

    To use your example, if my GF had been a bitch to me (which, for the record, she has never been) then I would be unhappy with her.
    If my GF was always a bitch then I would be unhappy with the relationship.

    I am not sure I am successfully communicating the nuances of my position.
    But it's the best your gonna get from me.
    Fair enough.
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  12. #11  
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    Quote Originally Posted by cosmictraveler View Post
    Sometimes people become upset with their partners and do not want to vent their rants cabout them with others that they know that are close to them. theu just come online and vent their fustrations to others they know won't tell their partners about their statements. That is just another opinion about this matter. Sometimes people do not have a partner and still vent about someone who pissed them off which happens allot I'd bet.
    ANYONE who knows me, knows I am very straightforward.

    I rarely get angry, but if I do, it is for a good reason, not on a whim.

    I don't stay angry, and believe we should always talk these things out be it with sig other or friend, or partner.
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  13. #12  
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    For instance, referring to their partner as a child or a pet.
    Part of that is cultural. A way of dealing with or dismissing aspects of people's behaviour which isn't optimal but isn't cause to end or to challenge a relationship. It's also an indirect method of 'testing the waters' without openly asking am I unreasonable to expect this thing or to be irritated by that thing.

    Culturally speaking, it used to be quite common for both women and men to refer to their partners in that child/ pet way - but about different topics. I'd have hoped people would have stopped doing it by now, but many of my expectations from 60s70s feminism are falling apart recently. This is just one more indication of how far we have yet to go.
    "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." Winston Churchill
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  14. #13  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cosmictraveler View Post
    Sometimes people become upset with their partners and do not want to vent their rants cabout them with others that they know that are close to them. theu just come online and vent their fustrations to others they know won't tell their partners about their statements. That is just another opinion about this matter. Sometimes people do not have a partner and still vent about someone who pissed them off which happens allot I'd bet.
    When my husband pisses me off, he fully knows it!

    It doesn't happen often, and we rarely fight.

    One good thing, is he totally gets my sense of humor, and we tease each other a lot.

    Laughter is a wonderful part of a relationship!

    Learning to laugh at yourself is a great lesson in LIFE!
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  15. #14  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by adelady View Post
    For instance, referring to their partner as a child or a pet.
    Part of that is cultural. A way of dealing with or dismissing aspects of people's behaviour which isn't optimal but isn't cause to end or to challenge a relationship. It's also an indirect method of 'testing the waters' without openly asking am I unreasonable to expect this thing or to be irritated by that thing.

    Culturally speaking, it used to be quite common for both women and men to refer to their partners in that child/ pet way - but about different topics. I'd have hoped people would have stopped doing it by now, but many of my expectations from 60s70s feminism are falling apart recently. This is just one more indication of how far we have yet to go.
    We were looking at the house I now live in in Hawai'i, as we were seeking for a place a little closer to civilization for me after the earthquake, as I am there alone except for about 2 1/2 months a year.

    We had this REALLY SNOOTY realtor who was the agent selling the property.

    He looked at me, and said, "Do you have any pets? Pets aren't allowed here in the CC&R's."

    to which I replied, point to my husband, "I only have one pet, and he is standing over there."

    He didn't get it, but MY realtor AND my husband did, and both just started laughing.

    No offense was meant. None was taken.

    I was being deliberately facetious!
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  16. #15  
    ...matter and pixie dust wegs's Avatar
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    I read an article about a year ago that talked about a study done on the topic of FB, and it was determined to be the number one site for destroying marriages. Websites don't destroy marriages, people do. The Internet has just made it easier for cheaters...well, to cheat.When I see ppl in committed relationships going on and on about their SO in a disparaging way, it's usually to gain attention from the opposite sex. That's how most affairs start.

    On another note...it could just be our culture too. Ever see commercials or sitcoms making men out to look stupid? Ugh...that bugs me.

    I hear friends of mine say stuff like this too about their partners...and I often say...would you like him to talk about you that way?

    ((Shrug))
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  17. #16  
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    Quote Originally Posted by wegs View Post
    I read an article about a year ago that talked about a study done on the topic of FB, and it was determined to be the number one site for destroying marriages. Websites don't destroy marriages, people do. The Internet has just made it easier for cheaters...well, to cheat.When I see ppl in committed relationships going on and on about their SO in a disparaging way, it's usually to gain attention from the opposite sex. That's how most affairs start.

    On another note...it could just be our culture too. Ever see commercials or sitcoms making men out to look stupid? Ugh...that bugs me.

    I hear friends of mine say stuff like this too about their partners...and I often say...would you like him to talk about you that way?

    ((Shrug))
    Well plus ca change, [sauf que la technologie], n'est ce pas? In the old days, one of the greatest cliches was the man in the pub, or at the company dinner or wherever, saying to some good-looking woman, "My wife doesn't understand me." Now, apparently, the same is done on Faecebook. Quelle surprise!

    I won't have anything to do with social media personally - but then I am an old git.
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  18. #17  
    ...matter and pixie dust wegs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by exchemist View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by wegs View Post
    I read an article about a year ago that talked about a study done on the topic of FB, and it was determined to be the number one site for destroying marriages. Websites don't destroy marriages, people do. The Internet has just made it easier for cheaters...well, to cheat.When I see ppl in committed relationships going on and on about their SO in a disparaging way, it's usually to gain attention from the opposite sex. That's how most affairs start.

    On another note...it could just be our culture too. Ever see commercials or sitcoms making men out to look stupid? Ugh...that bugs me.

    I hear friends of mine say stuff like this too about their partners...and I often say...would you like him to talk about you that way?

    ((Shrug))
    Well plus ca change, [sauf que la technologie], n'est ce pas? In the old days, one of the greatest cliches was the man in the pub, or at the company dinner or wherever, saying to some good-looking woman, "My wife doesn't understand me." Now, apparently, the same is done on Faecebook. Quelle surprise!

    I won't have anything to do with social media personally - but then I am an old git.
    oui, c'est vrai ;+)
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    I've been avoiding FB and the like.

    I have a feeling that once grandchildren start arriving that's going out the window. Grannies and grandpas neeeeed to see every photo recording their littlies' lives instantly.
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  20. #19  
    has lost interest seagypsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wegs View Post
    I read an article about a year ago that talked about a study done on the topic of FB, and it was determined to be the number one site for destroying marriages. Websites don't destroy marriages, people do. The Internet has just made it easier for cheaters...well, to cheat.When I see ppl in committed relationships going on and on about their SO in a disparaging way, it's usually to gain attention from the opposite sex. That's how most affairs start.

    On another note...it could just be our culture too. Ever see commercials or sitcoms making men out to look stupid? Ugh...that bugs me.

    I hear friends of mine say stuff like this too about their partners...and I often say...would you like him to talk about you that way?

    ((Shrug))
    Back when I was practicing Islam, I had a friend who was in an arranged marriage. They were Syrian but the girl was my age and she was born and raised in America. Never gave two turds about Islam until after 911. You can find pics of her from the 80s with big hair and Tammy Faye style make up. It's hilarious to see the difference in her from then to now. But she and I were really good friends. I was newly converted to Islam, financially struggling, on welfare and supporting 3 children on the back of being terminally ill myself. So she kinda took me under her wing and since her family was loaded and her husband was a neurosurgeon, she saw it as her Islamic duty to look out for me in any way she could. That usually ended up meaning I was her pet charity, which while humiliating, was extremely helpful considering my situation.

    But as we hung out together pretty much daily she would go on and one about how ugly she thought her husband was and how she hated that he wanted to have sex when he came home. I get that. I can fully understand not loving someone you were simply arranged to be married to. But his guy treated her like gold. He was the complete opposite of hte stereotypical oppressive Muslim husband you hear about. He never made demands of her. He never gave her spending limits. She had a maid. Her house was a mansion that literally cleaned itself, it was one of those smart houses. And it was paid for. He didn't track her every move or anything like that. She called him a nerd. an idiot, ugly, naive, her pawn. It was horrible. Well the more she complained about him and the more I actually observed, the better he started looking to me. I had been single for a while and Muslim men are allowed multiple wives. His homely appearance even started becoming attractive to me because I would see how good he treated her and how rude she would be back to him, and he never retaliated against her. He would just drop his gaze and leave the room.

    Finally one day we were at her mom's house and she was doing her typical bitching about him and her mom was always trying to tell her she needed to learn how to appreciate what a great guy she had. Well that last day I was at her mom's house I started crying while she was talking and her mom asked me what was wrong in front of my friend. And I couldn't help but blurt out how horrible it was that she complained so much about a wonderful husband in front of a woman who doesn't have one and due to being sick would find it very hard to find one. I ran out of the house and didn't go back to see them or to the mosque for a long time. But when I did she and her mother hunted me down to thank me for being so blunt. My friend had never really considered my situation, having been born with a silver spoon in her mouth and everything she ever wanted. And also to let me know she was expecting and that she was learning to love her husband for the first time.
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    Speaking badly about people after they are gone and jumping on the bash the band wagon must do very well for a low self-esteem.
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  21. #20  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by adelady View Post
    I've been avoiding FB and the like.

    I have a feeling that once grandchildren start arriving that's going out the window. Grannies and grandpas neeeeed to see every photo recording their littlies' lives instantly.
    I keep in touch that way with people who have been in my life for a long time, but we don't have the time to write or call all the time. I love seeing my kids pictures of themselves in stuff they are doing and my great neph's and my former touring friends and their families .....I however see no need to tell everyone I shaved my armpits that day.
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    Northern Horse Whisperer Moderator scheherazade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by adelady View Post
    I've been avoiding FB and the like.

    I have a feeling that once grandchildren start arriving that's going out the window. Grannies and grandpas neeeeed to see every photo recording their littlies' lives instantly.
    I keep in touch that way with people who have been in my life for a long time, but we don't have the time to write or call all the time. I love seeing my kids pictures of themselves in stuff they are doing and my great neph's and my former touring friends and their families .....I however see no need to tell everyone I shaved my armpits that day.
    No need. We can simply enlarge your avatar photo to determine this for ourselves, lol...
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    I'm married to an angel! (so said the ladies of the baptist church where she plays drums for their gatherings.)

    not exactly a bed of roses.
    those wings take up a lot of bedspace, in warm weather they make me itch, and when she is molting, I wake up sneezing out pin feathers from my nose.

    jeez
    ain't nothing's perfect
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    I also don't care much for the complaining about loved ones/family, ESPECIALLY in public. I mean, getting something off your chest with close friends is one thing, but repeating or dwelling on anger/hurts is unhealthy, and it's so disrespectful not only to the loved one, but also to those who care about them. I tend to think that the people who do it are simply angry people, and would be angry no matter who their loved ones were.

    I have one friend who was in what appeared to be a really terrible relationship with another friend for four years. We all love J and have known him for many years, so it was really unpleasant to hear her refer to him as an "asshole" and similar language. It seemed like from her perspective he could never do anything right at all. She just didn't seem to like him. We even confronted her about how unpleasant and unhealthy her behavior was, and hoped that she would just leave him. She finally did, and of course she absolutely believes that everything is all his fault and he's a terrible person. And now she tells us intimate details about their sex life and his sexual function that not only do I not want to hear but, frankly, just make me feel sorry for him.

    And now she obsesses and complains about every guy she dates. I just think she's an angry, unpleasant person. I keep hoping she'll grow out of it, or that her therapist will help, but so far, no dice.
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    And now she obsesses and complains about every guy she dates. I just think she's an angry, unpleasant person. I keep hoping she'll grow out of it, or that her therapist will help, but so far, no dice.
    I think there are a lot of people who believe that the best thing to do with anger and other negative feelings is to express them. Even if they don't openly subscribe to notions like catharsis or "getting things out in the open" or somesuch.

    I'm much more inclined to think that the things you say and do are practising and reinforcing those forms of expression. So the more often you say angry or hurtful things, the more likely you are to do so in the future. You're also more likely to interpret your own or others feelings of unease or irritation as outright anger. You can, inadvertently or otherwise, turn yourself into a bitter, angry, unlikeable person who sees the worst in other people.

    The fact is that it's also a bad idea to hold back and let things fester. But there are good, better, best, bad, worse, worst ways to say what's troubling you. Choosing a better, less hurtful, way to express your unhappiness or dissatisfaction is a good thing for yourself as well as the other person, even if it's not perfect.
    "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." Winston Churchill
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    Forum Sophomore Nisslbody's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by adelady View Post
    And now she obsesses and complains about every guy she dates. I just think she's an angry, unpleasant person. I keep hoping she'll grow out of it, or that her therapist will help, but so far, no dice.
    I think there are a lot of people who believe that the best thing to do with anger and other negative feelings is to express them. Even if they don't openly subscribe to notions like catharsis or "getting things out in the open" or somesuch.

    I'm much more inclined to think that the things you say and do are practising and reinforcing those forms of expression. So the more often you say angry or hurtful things, the more likely you are to do so in the future. You're also more likely to interpret your own or others feelings of unease or irritation as outright anger. You can, inadvertently or otherwise, turn yourself into a bitter, angry, unlikeable person who sees the worst in other people.

    The fact is that it's also a bad idea to hold back and let things fester. But there are good, better, best, bad, worse, worst ways to say what's troubling you. Choosing a better, less hurtful, way to express your unhappiness or dissatisfaction is a good thing for yourself as well as the other person, even if it's not perfect.
    I agree with this, very much so. Anger begets anger, and that isn't a mere platitude, that's observable science about human behavior. I agree with the principle that you are what you do, because what you do shapes who you are. This can walk a very uncomfortable line relating to blaming the victim, but in most cases, the people who are deeply entrenched in a victimizing situation are not the angry people.
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  27. #26  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scheherazade View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by adelady View Post
    I've been avoiding FB and the like.

    I have a feeling that once grandchildren start arriving that's going out the window. Grannies and grandpas neeeeed to see every photo recording their littlies' lives instantly.
    I keep in touch that way with people who have been in my life for a long time, but we don't have the time to write or call all the time. I love seeing my kids pictures of themselves in stuff they are doing and my great neph's and my former touring friends and their families .....I however see no need to tell everyone I shaved my armpits that day.
    No need. We can simply enlarge your avatar photo to determine this for ourselves, lol...

    WHACK!!!
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  28. #27  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sculptor View Post
    I'm married to an angel! (so said the ladies of the baptist church where she plays drums for their gatherings.)

    not exactly a bed of roses.
    those wings take up a lot of bedspace, in warm weather they make me itch, and when she is molting, I wake up sneezing out pin feathers from my nose.

    jeez
    ain't nothing's perfect
    You old softy!

    When she looks at you with mischief in her eyes, don't you kind of feel like you are courting again? When she makes your favorite meal, that she loves you? Oh.....by the way....that wasn't her molting....you forgot to change your underwear.
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  29. #28  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by adelady View Post
    And now she obsesses and complains about every guy she dates. I just think she's an angry, unpleasant person. I keep hoping she'll grow out of it, or that her therapist will help, but so far, no dice.
    I think there are a lot of people who believe that the best thing to do with anger and other negative feelings is to express them. Even if they don't openly subscribe to notions like catharsis or "getting things out in the open" or somesuch.

    I'm much more inclined to think that the things you say and do are practising and reinforcing those forms of expression. So the more often you say angry or hurtful things, the more likely you are to do so in the future. You're also more likely to interpret your own or others feelings of unease or irritation as outright anger. You can, inadvertently or otherwise, turn yourself into a bitter, angry, unlikeable person who sees the worst in other people.

    The fact is that it's also a bad idea to hold back and let things fester. But there are good, better, best, bad, worse, worst ways to say what's troubling you. Choosing a better, less hurtful, way to express your unhappiness or dissatisfaction is a good thing for yourself as well as the other person, even if it's not perfect.
    Most of the time, I think rational adults sit down and hash it out, in a calm way.

    I DO think, however, that once in awhile, people just blow!

    I always have told my husband this. "What you say in anger, may be forgiven, but it is not forgotten. You can't take back words."
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    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by adelady View Post
    And now she obsesses and complains about every guy she dates. I just think she's an angry, unpleasant person. I keep hoping she'll grow out of it, or that her therapist will help, but so far, no dice.
    I think there are a lot of people who believe that the best thing to do with anger and other negative feelings is to express them. Even if they don't openly subscribe to notions like catharsis or "getting things out in the open" or somesuch.

    I'm much more inclined to think that the things you say and do are practising and reinforcing those forms of expression. So the more often you say angry or hurtful things, the more likely you are to do so in the future. You're also more likely to interpret your own or others feelings of unease or irritation as outright anger. You can, inadvertently or otherwise, turn yourself into a bitter, angry, unlikeable person who sees the worst in other people.

    The fact is that it's also a bad idea to hold back and let things fester. But there are good, better, best, bad, worse, worst ways to say what's troubling you. Choosing a better, less hurtful, way to express your unhappiness or dissatisfaction is a good thing for yourself as well as the other person, even if it's not perfect.
    Most of the time, I think rational adults sit down and hash it out, in a calm way.

    I DO think, however, that once in awhile, people just blow!

    I always have told my husband this. "What you say in anger, may be forgiven, but it is not forgotten. You can't take back words."
    THAT is a lesson hard-learned for very many people, I think.

    I have friends who are currently embroiled in one of the uckiest relationships I have ever seen. She talks unmitigated shit about him to her friends, he steals her phone and reads it. BOTH are violating each other's trust, and both are using those violations as an excuse to continue doing so.
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  31. #30  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nisslbody View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by babe View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by adelady View Post
    And now she obsesses and complains about every guy she dates. I just think she's an angry, unpleasant person. I keep hoping she'll grow out of it, or that her therapist will help, but so far, no dice.
    I think there are a lot of people who believe that the best thing to do with anger and other negative feelings is to express them. Even if they don't openly subscribe to notions like catharsis or "getting things out in the open" or somesuch.

    I'm much more inclined to think that the things you say and do are practising and reinforcing those forms of expression. So the more often you say angry or hurtful things, the more likely you are to do so in the future. You're also more likely to interpret your own or others feelings of unease or irritation as outright anger. You can, inadvertently or otherwise, turn yourself into a bitter, angry, unlikeable person who sees the worst in other people.

    The fact is that it's also a bad idea to hold back and let things fester. But there are good, better, best, bad, worse, worst ways to say what's troubling you. Choosing a better, less hurtful, way to express your unhappiness or dissatisfaction is a good thing for yourself as well as the other person, even if it's not perfect.
    Most of the time, I think rational adults sit down and hash it out, in a calm way.

    I DO think, however, that once in awhile, people just blow!

    I always have told my husband this. "What you say in anger, may be forgiven, but it is not forgotten. You can't take back words."
    THAT is a lesson hard-learned for very many people, I think.

    I have friends who are currently embroiled in one of the uckiest relationships I have ever seen. She talks unmitigated shit about him to her friends, he steals her phone and reads it. BOTH are violating each other's trust, and both are using those violations as an excuse to continue doing so.
    A little co=dependency?

    Oh....when I am major pissed at my spouse, my best friends hear about it...but not joe blow q public...

    My husband and tease a lot and have a lot of self-deprecating humor with each other. We know the boundaries....and we know each other's humor. If we offend the other, we say those three words..."I AM SORRY."
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    In all honesty, if I truly don't respect a guy, I won't remain with him and trash him to people. If I don't respect someone, I usually have good reason and I just end the relationship. If you're truly unhappy with your partner, either try to work on things or end it. To remain in an unhealthy relationship and complain endlessly to others has never made sense to me.

    I like your story above, seagypsy. You are in a good place now; it's cool how things have a way of working out. :-)
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    There was a fistfight in the US Senate in 1902. One should not assume things are worse today than they were a hundred years ago or a thousand years ago. Human nature doesn't change.

    U.S. Senate: Art & History Home > Historical Minutes > 1878-1920 > Senate Fistfight
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    Quote Originally Posted by someguy1 View Post
    There was a fistfight in the US Senate in 1902. One should not assume things are worse today than they were a hundred years ago or a thousand years ago. Human nature doesn't change.

    U.S. Senate: Art & History Home > Historical Minutes > 1878-1920 > Senate Fistfight
    I can understand a fist fight in the Senate, those people make decisions that affect millions of people. And the people in the senate are not emotionally endeared to one another. They are often at odds with one another and insults often do fly back and forth between politicians, that's how politics works.

    I am specifically referring to intimate relationships. Couples. Married or at least in long term romantic commitments with each other.
    Speaking badly about people after they are gone and jumping on the bash the band wagon must do very well for a low self-esteem.
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  35. #34  
    Theatre Whore babe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by someguy1 View Post
    There was a fistfight in the US Senate in 1902. One should not assume things are worse today than they were a hundred years ago or a thousand years ago. Human nature doesn't change.

    U.S. Senate: Art & History Home > Historical Minutes > 1878-1920 > Senate Fistfight
    They weren't in a personal i.e. intimate relationship. That is just ego's getting testosteronic!!
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