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Thread: Funny Oneliners

  1. #1 Funny Oneliners 
    AI's Have More Fun Bad Robot's Avatar
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    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..


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    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.


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  4. #3  
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    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
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  5. #4  
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    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
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  6. #5  
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    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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  7. #6  
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    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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  8. #7  
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    The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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  9. #8  
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    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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  10. #9  
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    Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
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  11. #10  
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    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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  12. #11  
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    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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  13. #12  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bad Robot View Post
    Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
    Warmaking doesn’t stop warmaking. If it did, our problems would have stopped millennia ago. — Colman McCarthy

    Everyone’s a pacifist between wars. It’s like being a vegetarian between meals. — Colman McCarthy
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    Grief is the price we pay for love. (CM Parkes) Our postillion has been struck by lightning. (Unknown) War is always the choice of the chosen who will not have to fight. (Bono) The years tell much what the days never knew. (RW Emerson) Reality is not always probable, or likely. (JL Borges)
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  14. #13  
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    PETER KAY ONE LINERS (proving that comedians have an awesome ability to see the truth)

    Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

    You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

    It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

    If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

    Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

    Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

    What do you call male ballerinas?

    Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

    Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

    Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

    Why is a person who handles your money called a ‘broker’?
    Grief is the price we pay for love. (CM Parkes) Our postillion has been struck by lightning. (Unknown) War is always the choice of the chosen who will not have to fight. (Bono) The years tell much what the days never knew. (RW Emerson) Reality is not always probable, or likely. (JL Borges)
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  15. #14  
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    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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  16. #15  
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    Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
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  17. #16  
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    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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  18. #17  
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    He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
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  19. #18  
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    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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  20. #19  
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    We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
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  21. #20  
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    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
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  22. #21  
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    My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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  23. #22  
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    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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  24. #23  
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    When in doubt, mumble.
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  25. #24  
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    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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  26. #25  
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    Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
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  27. #26  
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    My Dad's schizophrenic, but he's good people.

    I remember once he took me on a picnic, I was about 8, he was... Mussolini

    I'm mixed race, my dad prefers the 100m, my mum is Pakistani

    (All from Stewart Francis)

    and this guy is a genius for one-liners:

    Milton Jones Quotes & Stand-Up! Top Comedian Jokes
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  28. #27  
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    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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  29. #28  
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    Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
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  30. #29  
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    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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  31. #30  
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    Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
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  32. #31  
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    Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
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  33. #32  
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    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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  34. #33  
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    I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
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  35. #34  
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    Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! An alcoholic racist! -- Frankie Boyle
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  36. #35  
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    What do you call a pink flower that comes back from the dead? A re-in-carnation.”

    I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”

    20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.

    Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

    I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

    Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yeah, I thought so.

    Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.

    I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.

    Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly.

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

    Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

    To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
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    Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it. - confucius
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  37. #36  
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    There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
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  38. #37  
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    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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  39. #38  
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    You're never too old to learn something stupid.
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  40. #39  
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    If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
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  41. #40  
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    When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
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  42. #41  
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    "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
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  43. #42  
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    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
    electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
    models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
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  44. #43  
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    "I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy." - Tommy Cooper


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  45. #44  
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    "I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail." - Unknown Origin


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  46. #45  
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    • I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.
    • Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
    • Women should be obscene and not heard.
    • I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

    Groucho Marx
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  47. #46  
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    Will's 10 Favorite Groucho Marx Quotes

    1. Room service? Send up a larger room.
    2. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
    3. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
    4. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
    5. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
    6. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
    7. Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
    8. How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
    9. From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
    10. I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
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  48. #47  
    Northern Horse Whisperer Moderator scheherazade's Avatar
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    "What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic." - Unknown Origin


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